I am writing this fully awake

My twin sister

I write these posts to you my reader, with clear picture in my mind, I am writing for you. I can imagine you. I can imagine you sitting there. Reading this on your phone or comp. Sometimes you agree but most of the time you disagree with my words. Oh well. It's natural.

Sometimes I write the posts to the universe at large. I send these words asking for help, for understanding. I voice my frustrations and doubts asking for guidance and directions.

But most of the time I write post just so I can go back in time and read it. After a month or a year, it does not matter. I write these words for myself only, like someone else is writing them for me. I do this intentionally, particularly when I am writing about something I don’t fully understand.

My sister calling for kitchen revolution 😀

One of those things I don’t fully understand yet is death. My sister is dying right now. I can’t ignore it. She is in hospital more than a month. I would like to see her so much, for the last time and say goodbye. This goodbye is a hard one. Words are the starting point, the finish is in tears. After this the world for me will never be the same.

I have just received information from my niece. My sister's oxygen level in blood is just 74% and the pneumonia is much worse than a week ago. Writing this, I feel empty, purposeless, lost, it’s looks like this is happening to somebody else and not to me.

My sister is out of my sight, but she will never be out of my heart, I may not see her again, but I will always remember her smile, I will never hear her voice but she will sometimes whisper in my ear. I am going to let her go by telling her how much I love her and how much she really meant to me.

Only memories stay

I am writing this fully awake

Grieving is an individual process. I maybe feeling numb and disoriented, however I will not indulge in these emotions. I know the truth of life and existence. "I" is nothing but a rumor. Birth and death do not exist. Birth and death apply to the body and mind but "I" is, was and will be before all that, forever. I draw this understanding from 19 years of my spiritual search and use it as a guidance of my life.

Man, you've got it all wrong,
there's no creator or creation here,
no gross and fine, no wind or fire,
no sun, moon, earth or water,
no word, no flesh, no faith,
no cause and effect,
not any thought of knowledge.
No God or devil.
No mother, father or son here.
If you understand now, you are master,
I am your follower.

There is nothing to worry about, life is nothing. How can nothing touch you? When you have no thoughts you feel just the presence of "I AM", you feel bliss and love. Then you forget everything, your concepts and the world.

Once, I had conversation with God

Couple years ago, I was sitting in the morning meditation when suddenly God came to visit me. Wow, God finally came to me. I was overjoyed but only for a little while...

Have you ever suspected this Zee? Everything is but a vision, it has no existence.

I could hardly breathe, "A vision"?

Life itself is only a vision Zee, a dream. Nothing exists, all is a dream. Me, man, the world, the sun, moon, stars - all a dream, all without existence. Nothing exists except you. Only you exist!

"I!"?

But you are not you. You have no body, no blood, no bones, you are awareness, all pervading thought "I".

I myself have no existence, I am but a dream you dream, creature of your imagination. I am going away. You will remain a thought, only existent thought, and by your nature inextinguishable, indestructible. Here and now, I have revealed you to yourself and set you free.

Dream nice dreams Zee!

Strange, indeed, that you should not have suspected that your universe and the world were only dreams, visions, fiction! Strange, because they are so frankly and hysterically insane - like all dreams. 

Do you see that the world is pure insanity, the silly creation of an imagination that is not conscious of its freaks. Haha Zee, it is your dream, you are maker of it.

It is true, that which I have just revealed to you, there is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all dream, and very foolish one. Nothing exists but you. And you are but "I" thought, wondering the empty eternities.

He vanished and left me alone realizing that all he had said was true.