Moving forward...

After almost twenty years of dedicated and honest spiritual search for the answer of "who am I?", after reading tons of spiritual literature and practicing meditation, I had an expectation that heavens will somehow open up with bliss and love, carrying me up into celestial glory. My expectation never materialized.

What has life given me lately? Just pain. Since the beginning of April, every night I went to bed around 2 am, after receiving the news how my sister was doing. Entire last week no good news arrived, I was feeling as I'm falling apart. Now that's over.

Finding the motivation to move forward after the loss of loved one for some people can take a long time. My father will not move forward. In conversation with him I've seen that he is giving up on life. The motivation for living is not there anymore, my sister was everything to him. His state of apathy is inevitable.

However, I want to move forward and stop indulging in grief and these painful emotions. "Moving forward" doesn’t mean healing my wound of a loss, no, it means living a simple lifestyle but with a different perspective.

With the death of my twin sister, I have lost part of myself. This final despair broke up my world, just like it did to my father, but I'm not giving up, instead, as I said, I'm making a fundamental shift in reference point of my identity.

I will live with full awareness of the presence, with "I AM" sense before everything else. This understanding has been earned by 20 years of spiritual search and lots of losses. I've no more concerns toward the world and what is happening don’t matter to me anymore.

The enlightenment is not written in the script of daily life, nor is it writable at all, because the enlightenment demands a slightly different syntax. I have recognized the formula of life. All that happens had one purpose - to exhaust us of our personal self, to break up our pride.

My massive facade of self-pretense is broken down and I'll not pick up the pieces. I'm moving forward without it.