This is my life...

Target 22 yoga practices in May

My life is my story, my book. Yesterday, I tore out couple pages, I deleted moments I was with some people. I will no longer let anyone else write my book; nor will I apologize for the edits I make.

A week has passed since my sister died and I don't have a smile on my face. Not much happen this week. I was so sad, and the sadness is the state of consciousness identified with body-mind.

My friends came last Saturday, they brought food and drinks and we sat talking about our problems, about life and I cannot remember what else; probably nothing important. I met my friend and I had haircut. I enjoyed conversation with her very much.

Last week, my sleep pattern has been completely disturbed. I used to sleep 3 hours and then got up being awake for 3 to 4 hours and again sleep; a day or night, it didn't matter. I want to change that.

I called my boss at work and I asked for two weeks vacation and he granted it. Last week I was off because I got 5 days due to death in the family. Next week and week after I will be officially on vacation. I am going back to work on June 1.

My department from work sent me a basket of sweats

I did 7 yoga practices in May so far and I want to do it every day until the end of May. Today I am going to do 2 yoga practices, the first one is finished at 9 am, and the second will start around 6 pm. I want to be tired and go to bed after midnight. I am trying to sleep for more than just 3 hours. I want to change the bad sleeping pattern.

At present I read my notes from Nisargadatta's books, the Stateless State from Siddharameshwar and Reality and Illusion from Ranjit Maharaj. Every time before I fall asleep I read the one of those books.

Until June 1, 2020 my door is closed for everyone except for my daughter. I want to be alone, process my grief, and start a new life. After lot of thinking of why and why now my sister died I have concluded that her death is wake up call for me. I have to get more serious about enlightenment thing and practice being in "I AM", just being, doing nothing.

At my father's house

If you think that just being and doing nothing is easy, I must tell you have very little spiritual knowledge. Just being is the most hardest thing to be, doing nothing is the most difficult thing to do. The consciousness is constant change and to observe it by being awareness without attention is a very hard thing to do.

But I have to do it. It is my life's goal. I am introducing classic meditation in the early morning from 6 to 7 am. I am returning to the basics of my former spiritual practice - meditation, yoga, reading, contemplation and recapitulation.

I can freely say that the practices for enlightenment are nothing else but the practice to die with full awareness - to experience the transition from consciousness to awareness. As you see I am making a big distinction of those two states.

The time has come for serious work on myself

In India, there is a custom that in old age or a terminal illness, a person gradually withdraws from food, medicine, and any other attachments in a manner that does not disrupt inner peace and dispassionate mindfulness. Religious prayers and scriptures then prepare that person for their final moments.

I like such way of dying. It is controversial in the West because of discomfort with the decision to control a person’s own death. On the West choosing to die is considered a sin so this is a taboo. So my spiritual practices are just tools to be conscious at the moment of my death.

Refusing food in the old age is not a suicide, which is often a result of a mental illness or a passionate reaction to something, I see a person stop taking food in a calm, dispassionate manner with full awareness of what is happening to be a real hero, not eager to die in a helter-skelter way, laying down in some hospital but is willing to face the death with grace and self-control.