Monday, June 29, 2020

Summer is here... yoohooo

On Wednesday the restaurant's patios in Toronto are opened to public. I met my friends in Dark Horse. My first going out in the last 4 months. On Thursday we went to old Kennedy's pub, on Friday I met my friends at George's place for a steak barbecue and last night we went to another friend for yet another grill party.

Lots of talking and laughing and of course drinking. I've missed those moment. Last night I met a very nice woman, a friend of a friend. She is my neighbor, she lives here at High Park. We had an interesting conversation. I like her a lot.

She had to go early and I drove her back home, she promised to come to my place. She is 48, Serbian woman. She looks amazing and I am excited to see her again. I returned to my friend's place and I had more wine...

I'm back home now, it is well passed 2am and I cannot sleep.

Moving forward...

After almost twenty years of dedicated and honest spiritual search for the answer of "who am I?", after reading tons of spiritual literature and practicing yoga and meditation, I had an expectation that heavens will somehow open up with bliss and love, carrying me up into celestial glory. My expectation never materialized.

What has life given me lately? Just pain. In April, every night I went to bed around 2 am, after receiving the news how my sister was doing. On May 9 that was over. She has lost the fight.

Finding the motivation to move forward after the loss of loved one for some people can take a long time. My father will not move forward. In conversation with him I've seen that he is giving up on life. The motivation for living is not there anymore, my sister was everything to him.

However, I want to move forward and pass the grief and painful emotions. "Moving forward" means living a simple lifestyle but with a different perspective on life.

With the death of my twin sister, I have lost part of myself. This broke up my world, just like it did to my father, but I'm not giving up.

My understanding of life has been earned by 20 years of spiritual search and lots of losses. I've no more concerns toward the world and what is happening don’t matter to me anymore.

The enlightenment is not written in the script of daily life, nor is it writable at all, because the enlightenment demands a slightly different syntax. I have recognized the formula of life. All that happens had one purpose - to exhaust us of our personal self, to break up our pride.

My massive facade of self-pretense is broken down and I'll not pick up the pieces. I'm moving forward without it. As old spiritual song say...

Man, you've got it all wrong,
there's no creator or creation here,
no gross and fine, no wind or fire,
no sun, moon, earth or water,
no word, no flesh, no faith,
no cause and effect,
not any thought of knowledge.
No God or devil.
No mother, father or son here.
If you understand now, you are master,
I am your follower.

There is nothing to worry about, life is nothing. How can nothing touch me? When I have no thoughts and I feel just the presence of "I AM", I am bliss and love. Then I forget everything, my worries and the world.

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