Saturday, June 27, 2020

I dated a narcissist

Last night, while searching for a document in my old e-mails, I came across a startling e-mail from my narcissistic ex. She wrote, after my first decision to leave her: “you ruined a good woman.” For the first time in 4 years, since I’ve known her, the meaning of her words sank in: she thinks she’s a good woman.

I stayed with her three and half years. It took me awhile to pinpoint what was exactly wrong with the relationship. In that period I broke up multiple times but every time, she turned me around and brought me back to her. Finally, I have realized - she was an extremely malignant narcissist.

My friends, I'm going to describe a female narcissist, how she thinks and behaves. It is not going to be easy but I will try. If your relationship is not going well you should read it but you have to remember that not all women are narcissist. You just need to consider that maybe you're dating one.

Please read this article from healthline - 11 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist — and How to Get Out. It is an excellent introduction to my story.

Right from the beginning in our relationship, there is something I simply could not figure out - she kept me in hiding, which lead me to believe she did not want to have anything serious. When I confront her, on numerous occasions, she had countless and I mean countless excuses.

In our relationship, what she wanted more than sex was attention. Lots of it. She would call me whenever she wanted and she did all the talking. I had to listen for hours her bullshit phone conversations and what went on her day.

She was angry most of the time. I think her anger is based on her delusion that she was in control and she was entitled to say and do whatever she like. She hated all the world, her colleges at work, friends, family...

Narcissists are by nature very angry and unforgiving people. The course of their emotional development is affected by intensity of their rage. In turn, the rage is projected so that the narcissist misperceives threats from outside. This is a defensive maneuver which constitutes not only a paranoid structure but, as well, a schizoid style of relating to others. Out of touch with their true self and alienated from the social milieu in which he/she lives has dramatic consequences for interpersonal functioning. - Phyllis Antebi, Ph.D Clinical Psychology (1990)

She was trying to make me jealous, she told me her friend grabbed her ass behind the counter top at a pool party, her ex-boyfriend contacted her on viber and asked her when she's going to meet him, she told me her neighbor asked her was she married or engaged... and many other things.

For narcissist the jealousy is a fuel. She told me those stories because she needed to have power over me. I was not a jealous type of person but I must admit she made me lash out the jealousy. Once, she openly flirted with my friend so I told her to go home and I broke up with her. But we started dating again although after that incident things were not like before. I never trusted her again.

After six months of our dating I called her a cold, calculated and cheap woman. She laughed on those words but unfortunately they were true. She lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others. Whenever we got back together she behaved as nothing, absolutely nothing happened. I was amazed observing it.

In my research of narcissist people I have found a very good article in Psychology Today - Understanding the Mind of a Narcissist where they say - despite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self.

She was thinking a lot about how she was perceived in the eyes of other people. She asked me to delete articles about her on my old blog because she could not swallow my observations. I remember her rage and swearing when I wrote something that she could not stand.

I did love her. The most time I was with her I wondered did she love me. I was torn between my love and confusion, between staying and leaving, and on the end her behavior made me feeling her as unimportant and insignificant.

In any toxic, narcissistic or abusive relationship, there is only one way: out.

Narcissist genuinely don't want to work on problems because they are the ones creating them in the first place. They don’t want to discuss how they wronged, because in her mind I have deserved it — for she was superior and deserving anything she want. My feelings didn’t matter. My needs didn’t matter. I didn’t matter.

In the course of our dating, I have realized that she is not a broken person. My love or anything else was not going to fix her. It’s not my job to save anyone, and even if I want to, she would never change. She can’t be changed because she don’t want to be changed.

She never loved me and she never loved herself either. The concept of love, caring and selflessness is unknown to her - she doesn’t understand it and she doesn’t believe she should try to understand it. She will continue to believe that she is a good woman.

And the song of the day... Somebody That I Used To Know, Gotye



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