Monday, September 7, 2020

I have chosen a solitary life

Solitude is not chosen, any more than destiny is chosen. Solitude comes to us if we have within us the magic stone that attracts destiny. - Hermann Hesse

Freedom is an individual choice, and each one of us must assume the responsibility of fighting for it

Two days ago I cut my ties with, what I believed were, my friends. I will not go out with them anymore. For quite some time I was tired of drinking beer and listening the same stories over and over again.

On Friday night we met to say farewell to one of my friend who is going back home for a month. We were in Kennedy's, on the patio, drinking as usually, I was wearing just a shirt and it was cold. I suggested to change the tables, to go inside and no one of them wanted that. So I got up and left home.

You may say that I am quite sensitive but really I am not. Friends for me are people who support each other. At that moment, I have realized that we were not friends but just drinking buddies.

 I have chosen a solitary life

Last week, I've also cut my ties with all my ex girlfriends including my ex wife. I had couple of phone conversations with my narcissist ex but I will ruthlessly stop that bullshit.

I have a task in front of me. My task is self-realization that demands all my energy and efforts, and to attempt to fulfill it in my old, lazy, usual way of behaving is impossible. I need determination, persistence, intensity and constancy.

The life as it is lived so far is finished. Since I got divorced and especially now, after death of my twin sister, I've become aware that my ordinary life has been forever left behind, that freedom is indeed frightening affair.

In my daily life I will not set strict rules for my behavior. I have no schedule, no dependents not even a cat. Self-importance and self-pity are my worst enemies. I have learned to think that my actions are important so I've seen such world around me. I've looked at myself taking myself as something.

Nothing is important for me anymore. I have no honor, no dignity, no name, no country but only life to be lived and under this circumstances I have no real ties to anyone. I'll continue supporting my daughter, I'll call my father everyday and I will love my niece and nephew but I will not be concerned for them or anyone else.

I'm not concerned about liking people or with being liked myself. I will not waste my energy by worrying about such things.

It is Monday, September 7, 2020, 5 am, the dark, rainy morning in Toronto. At this moment, I'm crystal clear and deadly sure of myself of what and why I am doing what I am doing.

I have no business following other people in their up and downs.

You may say that I have no compassion towards others, that I am a some kind of sociopath but for me to have compassion means that I want people to be just as I am. The hardest thing in the world is to leave the people and let them be as they are and this is exactly what I am going to do.

In each one of you there is a hidden being, still in the deep sleep of childhood. Bring it to life!

In each one of you there is a call, a will, an impulse of nature, an impulse toward the future, the new, the higher. Let it mature, let it resound, nurture it!

Your future is not this or that; it is not money or power, it is not wisdom or success at your trade - your future, your hard dangerous path is this: to mature and to find God in yourselves.

- Hermann Hesse

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