Monday, August 24, 2020

I'm going to live alone for the rest of my life

I'm a single again. And so it begins again, the never-ending, semi-delusional, train-wreck relationship cycle in which I'll be alone. There is no frenzy over the misguided belief that the future will bring something better.

Two year ago, my daughter surprised me with a question am I going to live with someone or would I prefer to stay alone. I did not know what to answer. Last week, I got the same question from my niece. It is a very good question, a long-term goals, which, unfortunately, I don't have.

I told to my daughter that I have nothing against being with a girlfriend, sometimes waking up together, loving each other, enjoying long conversations, cuddling, watching movies, going out but for living together... and sharing everything, well, that's a big problem for me.

First, since I got divorced I did not meet such person to make me wish to change my life. I have dated a lot of women but I did not have a slightest wish to share my deepest life with them.

Second, I was and probably I am still, an emotionally unavailable person. The scars from my marriage are still not forgotten and they never will be. I do not believe in love and sometimes I am wondering what is love all about.

my daughterđź’“

The best part about being alone is that you really don't have to answer to anybody. You don't need to listen to partner problems, hopes and expectations. And believe me woman above 45 have a lot of problems.

An unfortunate pitfall of women in the late 40s is that they're disappointed and they feel hurt by life. Kids are left, they're divorced, they are overweight, their sleep pattern is disturbed, they've started drinking, they've started panicking about health issues, they've started asking themselves "is this all there is".

By the 50 women have reached maturity, they see that they cannot improve their reality, they can just lower their expectations. They usually have a dog in order to have somebody to love them because no one else does that anymore.

They have the feeling as if they are unseen and unheard, although they still have hope but dammit if I know what they're hoping for. They are feeling lifeless and lost and I will not be there to help them get through this crap.

let them be! let them deal with their shit

I choose not to be a partner of such women.

I don't panic, it is a good thing, being alone is a not so bad place to be, besides the sense of boredom, or the feelings of isolation, I'm being forced to confront my own thoughts.

It's said... there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Don't try to figure out the meaning of such empty phrases. Being alone is what you make of it.

Generally speaking, life in a long term relationship is a boring thing. Married people need divorce to move them, shake them up, and change their perspective. So sometimes it happens. It is an indication of the beginning of different kind of life. It is the beginning of a life where you meet yourself more clearly.

If you have recently gotten out of a relationship, or are simply not currently interested in anyone, then you are on the verge of wisdom.

Who cares if I ever find what I'm looking for...

Being single gives you a wonderful opportunity to figure out what truly makes you happy and gives you the perfect chance to get to know yourself better.

Not being in a relationship helps you realize and understand that your feelings do not have to depend on someone else’s presence. You need to be able to be happy alone first, and love yourself.

Being single grants you the time and freedom to discover whatever you want on your own schedule and allows you to put your needs, desires, and ambitions above all others.

I told all this to my daughter. I realized that I will stay alone for the rest of my life. And that is perfectly okay.



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