Monday, July 13, 2020

It was always a journey and never a destination

I'm done with dating.

My online dating subscription has expired and I did not renew it. There is no reason to renew it. In the last month I did not meet anyone and I can live without those sporadic messages with who-know-how-to-please, 40-something women.

Since my divorce in 2013, my dating adventures have been well documented. Mainly by me on this or previous blogs and at drinking parties with my friends. I told them my hilarious dating stories. Some my friends were jealous. Most of them laughed and some felt sorry for me.

The most of my dating was a cliche, but it was fun. Heartbreaking now and then. A great drinking party conversation, the stuff perfect to hide the way I really felt. Degrading. Hilarious. An emotional roller coaster. If you’ve ever dated for a long period of time you know what I’m talking about.

My stories lift me up but also tear me down. It’s time for me to pack my shit and go to deep dating isolation.

Monday, early summer morning, sipping a coffee in this quiet time, I'm looking back at the whole experience. I was on birthday party last night and I observed couples and their bored relationship and had an epiphany. I realized that I don’t actually need any middle aged, hormonally unstable woman in my life anymore. 

As I pack up my dating portfolio, I'm looking for the reason I had all those women in my life. Right now, I’m still not sure why they were in my life at all and what I should have learned along the way.

I have never really had a girlfriend that I would stay with. It has always been a sexual thing. The longest, friends with benefits, relationship was with a toxic narcissist, for three and a half years. Everything else were one-month sexual encounters and one night stands. In total 28 women.

The last woman I met, 48 years old, told me openly that she is overworked, overtired and mentally unstable (the exact word was - crazy). And, I believed her. Finally, she admitted upfront what other women were trying to hide all along.

It’s been fun. Sort of. I’m just done. I need to focus on other things I have in my life, not the tiny little thing I don’t.

The sweet bitterness in my tone here is very appropriate. I’m adding a little bit of drama, like the closing scenes of a bad soap opera. I’m grateful that I’ve had so many adventures. I’m not sure that was necessary at all. I had to find something else to occupy me in my life. A new hobby. Maybe.

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