Sunday, August 16, 2020

My life after divorce
A day we went to Canada - March 21, 1995

Quiet, Sunday afternoon in rainy Toronto. I just had a nap and I am drinking a coffee looking at the old photos. My girlfriend left around 11 am, we were in Sunset Grill for a breakfast and after that she left. I cleaned up the apartment, read news and then went for a sleep.

I am looking my old photos from 2013 so I decided to write a post about beginnings of my life as a divorcee.

The last photo with my ex wife - April 2013

Divorce is splashing the cold water on your face while you're sleeping, it is a rude awakening. It is a shock when you discover the truth about your situation. And it happened to me in the late afternoon on June 30, 2013.

I agreed with my wife's wish to divorce. I left our home in two weeks and I started completely new life. I always wanted to live at High Park area so I searched for the apartment there and luckily it was available. I took apartment on 23rd floor, I remember 2310.. I liked it.

 
My first apartment - July 15, 2013

So I did it. I broke up with the old... and moved the fuck on. I was happy, optimistic and full of energy. I was  happy for small things. I didn't have a big dreams to became something, to advance in career, to have expensive car or to change my way of living. I was satisfied with what I have.

And, I did not have much not even a cell phone. I had home phone, stationary one, but not a cell. When I went first time for a beer night and when I met my friends at MK they were shocked to see that I have no cell phone. So on their advise I got a new HTC One phone next day. And that how it started...

 The first beer night with my friends - September 22, 2013

I was unprepared, slightly stunned but I began to live different life. I got surprised by divorce and started trying to accustom myself to be alone. In our consumer society I find that the ultimate goal in life is to pair up with another human being and cling to the "coupling" ideal as if your life depends on it.

For a long time in my married life, I felt like I was waiting for something. Things were uncertain. In my beginnings after divorce, some days were very difficult, sometimes I struggled immensely through being alone, but I made it through.

I had emerged from 22 years of marriage still wild at heart, I was ready for that last minute trip, I was ready to be spontaneous, for the random exciting hour or day and I was ready to be completely alone. I had introduced the rules in my life and living by the rules has given me freedom. The rules though, are my own values, my own truths.

I met my first girlfriend after divorce in the end of September 2013, we dated couple weeks, short but sweet, it was fun. You see my reader, the old memories soon fade away, I wonder why couldn’t they be erased completely.

I have been leading my life after divorce very consciously, practicing detachment and having in mind the impermanence of everything. It is a big shit, I mean, detachment and impermanence.

 My first girlfriend after divorce - Jenny, September 28, 2013

I moved away from the wreckage of divorce. In October 2013 I met Angela. Our relationship was full of breakups and re-connections but it is true, she gave me space and a lot of time to deeply reflect on my inner personal challenges, and address them one by one. In between our breakups I had many women that I did not care about.

In December 2013 we went for our first vacation, it was St. Marten, Christmas time and it was very nice. After that we went 4 times to Mexico, Mayan Riviera, Los Cabos, Cancun... We were going twice a year for a vacations and every time we had a blast.

People stay in relationships that have passed their expiration date for many reasons, such as a fear of being alone or due to accustomed feelings. Whatever the reason, in my heart, I knew the connection with Angela wasn’t that strong, so it happened, we finally broke up in September 2016.

 
My first vacation after divorce - St Marten - December 24, 2013

When I was married, I've enjoyed spiritual books. But after divorce, I slowed down on reading them. They simply stopped to motivate me the way they once had.

What’s more, since my divorce, I have begun to believe that spiritual ideas and practices are a big joke and after 12 years of reading spiritual books and doing daily meditation I have concluded - it is all bullshit, it comes to nothing.

So I started blogging writing about stupidity of New Age spirituality. But nobody wanted to read about that. So slowly I changed the format and I started writing about yoga and daily life. The personal posts have the largest number of views. Last year I introduced dating series and it was a big success too.

Anyway, through the pages of my posts you can see that I always want to change myself. This is a good thing, it shows I am not so old in my heart. I have stopped searching for Truth.

 
Agelloni, my favorite girlfriend

I put all my efforts toward myself in the most selfish way. There is no Truth to be found. We are here for a short period of time in order to have fun. Life has no meaning unless you want to fool yourself.

I have concluded this in December 2014, while I was sitting besides my mother in hospital. She was dying from liver cancer. She was sleeping in a bed unconscious, I was beside her and I was thinking about her life... how beautiful and strong she was... and how her life passed so quickly.

I realized, back then, that life is given to us in order to have fun. Life is not serious. And to have fun I have to be and feel healthy and nice looking for my age; I want to be the handsome one.

 
Yes we were happy... October 2013

What should I do with my life?

This is a simple question but I struggle to answer. Sure, there are lucky people who seem to be so busy that they think they know exactly what they want to do. I know, I went through various struggles in my life. I traveled a lot, played basketball, went to big city for a new beginning, did my studies, married, start working, became a parent, emigrated to Canada, again new beginning, worked various jobs, bought a condo, paid the mortgage, got divorced, again new beginning...

You have your own struggles, no doubt about it. You have probably tried a few different careers already but haven't found one that you truly like. And now you're asking the same question - what to do next.

 
I went to yoga studio for entire 2013 and 2014

You see my reader, I live in state of constant contradiction; sporadic happiness mixed with frustration. The most important things for me are: yoga, sex and work.

At this age, the sex is sill a big deal of my life. I like it, I like the smell of woman's body, I like woman's lips, kissing, caressing, hugging, a romantic dinner, a waiting before and a laughter after. Sex is the ultimate escape. It is a way of complete self-forgetfulness. For the time being, at least for the moment, I can forget myself.

Sometimes, I start dreaming of a better life where I am not so lazy and where I can do everything what I've planned to do. So what should I do with my life?

Well, next yoga practice starts now. 😆

Oh I almost forgot... the song for today... Zeljko Joksimovic... Idu Dani


The days are passing by

Once when you come back
everything will be a part of the past
everything but my love

My heart hurts
when I realize that everything is over
everything but my love

I will wait for you until the latest hour
and I will carry your breath around my neck
you just whisper just like last year
the days are passing, the days are passing

There was pain
in those beautiful dark eyes
that I dream about every night

I will wait for you until the latest hour
and I will carry your breath around my neck
until I see you face again
little white lady
little white lady...

The days are passing by

Once when you come back
everything will be a part of the past
everything but my love
My heart hurts
when I realise that everything is over
everything but my love
I will wait for you untill the latest (lit.smallest) hours
and I will carry your breath around my neck
you just whisper just like last year
the days are passing, the days are passing
There was pain
in those beautiful dark eyes
that I dream about every night
I will wait for you untill the latest (lit.smallest) hours
and I will carry your breath around my neck
untill I see you face again
little white lady
little white lady...
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/idu-dani-days-are-passing.html

The days are passing by

Once when you come back
everything will be a part of the past
everything but my love
My heart hurts
when I realise that everything is over
everything but my love
I will wait for you untill the latest (lit.smallest) hours
and I will carry your breath around my neck
you just whisper just like last year
the days are passing, the days are passing
There was pain
in those beautiful dark eyes
that I dream about every night
I will wait for you untill the latest (lit.smallest) hours
and I will carry your breath around my neck
untill I see you face again
little white lady
little white lady...
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/idu-dani-days-are-passing.html
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