Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Slaying the dragon
Tuesday morning, 7 am, Toronto, raining outside. I have a headache, yesterday I was at my friend's place for a barbecue and later we went to MK... for even more beer.

Next four days, I am on vacation, I am going to do 2 yoga practices today. My goal for August is to do 30 practices. In July I did 16 yoga practices. Like I have something else to do? I am really completely free and I have to use this time for the major goal of my life... gaining self-realization.

I know very well that there is nothing to "gain", it is just matter of speech. I just have to be fully aware of "I am" sense and to keep that sense separate from body and mind. That is a practice of slaying the dragon. The dragon represents body-mind attachments.

I have a dream of attaining enlightenment

In this world called daily life, it is this passion that give me a sense of purpose. If I lose it, I will not only lose the purpose but I will also lose myself. So I keep chasing this dream. That is the most important thing of my life and nothing can come even close to it.

I often lose myself in the labyrinth of daily life, in the long hours at work, in drinking, going out, reading daily news and in all kinds of other stupidities...

I am not reading spiritual books anymore. I am not doing meditation, I don't eat healthy food. I don't go to church. I don't pray. I don't follow anyone or anything. I will stop my learned attitude to please everyone around me but I will be kind and humble to others...

My life is ridiculous

I was born on certain date and until around 2 or 3 years old I started knowing "myself". I was not so lucky, I had to go to kindergarten so very early I found out that life is a serious shit.

On the beginning of elementary school I went there on Monday and Tuesday and on Wednesday I said to my sister to tell the teacher I will not come on that and the next day but on Friday I will come for sure. She told me that I had to go to school every day. I could not believe that shit. I started crying and my parents had to calm me down.

Realization that I had to go to school every day was a shock to me. Repetition, competition, grades, discipline, useless tasks... step by step I became a person with a desire to please others around me. Is that my father or my daughter, friends or bosses, it does not matter. I live my life for others.

And this would go on until I'm too old to handle the world and I finally die, again returning to the state of not knowing "myself".

I'm born in this world and since that moment I'm heading towards death, whether I may like it, dislike it, believe it, disbelieve it, I may be atheist, theist, following this religion, that religion, I may claim I'm an incarnation, whatever I say or do, I'm not spared, the death is awaiting me.

If that is so... Why am I serious about anything?

I was conditioned thinking that I'm going somewhere that I'm improving. They taught me that I have to be something, respectful, smart person and that was causing a feeling of lack so I was always seeking something to destroy that feeling. This made me to always look forward to the future for something to come.

Every single day I am facing million little things that encourage me to take the life seriously. I'm so self-centered so many things bother me. I am free to say that my life is nothing but one frustration after another.

I'm turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worry about a bunch of things that simply do not matter.

Slaying the dragon

Truth and the world are two completely different things, and my world was distorted by my beliefs about what it is and what it should be. The world played around my excessive pride in my appearance, qualities, abilities and achievements. And I don't blame myself!That's how they taught me.

Truth is... everything in my world, including my very sense of myself, is FAKE. There is nothing in life to be understood. The life has to be seen for what it is... a lie.

My body/mind meaning my personality is false, my aspirations and desires... my country, my job... my interests, striving, hopes and everything else... are one layer of bullshit on the top of another. I'm clearing my beliefs and seeing through this pile of shit, seeing the falseness of everything. And that is what slaying the dragon practice really means.

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