Monday, September 28, 2020

Confidence

It is 4:30 am I just got up, I'm having a coffee and I decided to write about confidence. That is cool thing in life. You see, I've been wrong all my life because most of the time I paid attention to unimportant things like my girlfriends, travels, expensive dinners, clothes, cars....

Do you know I drove BMW 328 IS, sport series, I paid $600 monthly insurance and $700 for monthly lease for that car. Yes, once upon a time I had a lot of money. Not now. Now I am just an average Joe. But I am happy, more happy than before and much more confident, self-confident, man.

I think the most of you think to know what self confidence means: you  usually think that confidence is in relation to what you feel while doing something... Doing things with absent of being anxious, nervous or worried is what you define as self-confidence.

So for you self confidence might be about dancing in the club, freely speaking in public, it might be about making small talk with the strangers. But whatever the situation may be your definition of confidence is always something about absence of being anxious or nervous.

I heard some of you say that self-confidence could easily mean being assertive, getting what you want above all costs, standing up for yourself, about having the demanding presence and regarding yourself as better than others and behaving in a way that reflect this.

My definition of self-confidence is a bit different. I disagree that absence of being anxious while doing something has anything to do with confidence. It could only mean lack of feelings, tick-skinned, morose, personality.


For me the confidence, ladies and gentlemen, is knowing who you are and a behaving in a manner  where you are open to the truth, no matter what the consequences are, no matter what happens or where it leads. It is a complete clearing of any confusion. Every events, interaction, communication is clean and it does not leave any "what if" thoughts. That’s confidence. Not belief, no hiding but straightforwardness with a deep respect and a touch of humor and smiles. In one word largeness.

Last night, I was with my friend for a walk and we had coffee and beer after in a pub. He noticed that I am talking more than usually and he said it. I told him I am happy. I have no thoughts to bother me and that first time in my life I really feel freedom.

I have no expectation. I am back on Bumble online dating and I have a lot of likes but I know very well that all that is just smoke and mirrors. If I meet and if I like just one woman of those 45 that have liked me, it will be fine. The expectation makes you less self-confident. You expecting something to happen and you are automatically eager to make it happen so some a tremor is in your thoughts and consequently in your actions too.

I consciously practiced the self-confident behavior as it is taught by Don Juan described in books of Carlos Castaneda. I used to talk with people while looking at them directly in the eyes, thinking they are just people on their way to death. I practiced this for awhile but I did not noticed any improvement in my self-confidence. It made me less natural and spontaneous.

For being self-confident, the most important practice is not being in control - or at least not feeling that you're in control. The greater the element of unpredictability, the more confident you should feel, since the less control you have over the situation. But this is my theory, you may not find this anywhere else.

As I mentioned before, being confident is easily accomplished when you have nothing to expect, when you do not ask for anything in your interaction with people. Men make a lot of mistakes approaching a woman already seeing her in bed. And that makes them clumsy, less spontaneous and unnatural.

Also the great mistake is made if you're believing that if you're successful in one area of your life such as for example your business, you might find other areas in life easy. That's not the case. The personal relationships are not like business success. The self-image is the killer of self-confidence. They do not go together at all. It is not surprising for a successful business person to be seen as an asshole. Like in the case of Steve Jobs.

Anyway, the life is a dream, acting without consideration for consequences is stupid but acting without self-consideration is confidence. There is a big difference there.



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