Saturday, November 14, 2020

20 years of my spiritual journey

I'm not so sure why are you reading my blog. I'm not telling you to meditate, pray or chant. I'm not concerned if you do yoga or not. I'm not trying to purify your soul or get you happy. I'm not trying to save you. Save you from what? From yourself?

Although in January 2021 will be exactly 20 years since I started out on the conscious spiritual journey of self-discovery, I still did not reach enlightenment but I am different than you, somehow.

I can trace my spiritual journey back to a single decision, one that led me to the life-changing events. I wanted to become a saint. Suffice it to say, I did not know what that exactly means but I felt it was something good to strive for. I still do.

After all these years of dedicated and honest spiritual search for the answer of "who am I?", after reading tons of spiritual literature and practicing meditation, I had an expectation that heavens will somehow open up with bliss and love, carrying me up into celestial glory. My expectation never materialized.

What has life given me since then: 2010 - diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, 2013 - got divorced, 2015 - my mother died, 2020 - my twin sister died. Just pain. But, I had a lot of unusual spiritual experiences. I did not grasped any truth, there were no explanations, it was just simple clarity in the sea of confusion and doubts, I call my daily life.

In self-discovery you discover that self does not exists. Even though I still might see myself on a spiritual journey, I have stopped seeking anything because there is nothing to be found. Now I just do ashtanga yoga and try to be humble and aware in interaction with others. That's all.

My life is quite different than your life. I have no schedule to follow. I sleep when I feel like to. I do my work per my own schedule, I'm efficient and fast. I have no one to please and I have no one to report to.

The autumn is passing and no one noticing. Difficult, sad and frustrating times are coming. My friends, unfortunately, I have nothing to tell you to cheer you up. This is just a beginning of dark times. Somehow you have to learn to be alone with yourself. Calm and contended without anxious desire to be somewhere else.

I will live with full awareness of the presence, with "I AM" sense before everything else. This understanding has been earned by these 20 years of spiritual search and lots of losses. I've no more concerns toward the world and what is happening don’t matter to me anymore.

My enlightenment is not written in the script of my daily life, nor is it writable at all. I have recognized the formula of life. All that happens to me or to you is to exhaust us of our personal self, to break up our pride.

I'm almost there. Sometimes I forget myself and I write here things that should not write. It is a difficult situation, by writing a blog I would like to be open and to the point but unfortunately, I cannot reveal all the details of my life. Not because of me, I really do not care what anyone of you who reads this think of me, but because of others.

People care what others would think of them. They prefer lies instead of truth, the lies that feed their self-fantasies.

This year, I have changed my attitude towards life, relationship and particularly love. I'm simply not into it so much like before. I'm free to say I've stopped believing in friendship and love. Nothing lasts and nothing remains. Not even a memory.

I think every relationship is just a passing show of two people, that were complete strangers and they got together by the circumstances and they imagine there are strong ties between them. If something ties the relationship it is sex and nothing else. You may disagree with me and say that there are other factors that make a bond between two complete strangers but that is just your wishful thinking.

After 20 years my spiritual journey has brought me to this point, my time to quit dating has come. The art of loving is described by everyone, books, movies, religion, poetry... you name it, but the quitting dating is not mentioned anywhere.

I'm not attached to the lies anymore. I don't follow anyone and I don't listen to phony gurus and ‘spiritual teachers’ that telling me that happiness is in finding your soulmate, being positive, getting the right job, making lots of money, becoming healthy and having whatever else you may be desiring.

This has nothing to do with awakening. This is only polishing the self centered imagination. This is the road you choose to follow. This road is well traveled but it is not for me. I'm going further, it takes courage for that, and self-honesty, straightforwardness and loneliness, to walk this road to truth and freedom.

You must be brave to walk this path otherwise you'll remain in the herd finding a comfort in the company of other deluded souls.

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