Monday, November 9, 2020

It is six months since my twin sister passed away

It makes no sense and it never will. Six months ago at 4 am, my niece told me the sad news. I laid down on the floor of my bedroom and howled. Nobody prepares you for that.

That was it. The end of her dreams, when her hopes faded away like a piece of paper down the drain. It really hurts. So badly. It makes you scream, it makes you angry. But there is nothing I could do.

I'm fond of life but I have never loved this world. This world is too painful to be a good place for living. I know my sister is in a better place now. I will miss her to the end of my life.


I saw your star faded from the sky
Only the memories I will hold
With my blessing you go
Turn your lights to a path that leads home

I'll see you again I cannot tell
I'll say this last goodbye
We came all this way
But now comes the day

I bid you a very fond farewell


Until this day I don't understand what actually happened. She sent me above photo on March 13, 2020. She was visiting our father, who told me that she was not feeling well then. She went to see doctor on March 19. The doctor said all is good, no need to worry. 

On March 31 she was accepted to hospital and she did coronavirus test. She was diagnosed negative but she had a deep, strong pneumonia.


She texted me the last time on April 3 and she sent me a photo. I cried. She said, she was feeling fine and she had no fever. She was in the room with two girls who had tested positive on coronavirus so doctors are suspecting that my sister was positive too. 

On April 4 she was moved to intensive care and she was put on respirator in the infection clinic at Zemun Hospital. Couple times she was feeling better and they tried to get her off the artificial ventilation but with no success.


I have done thorough research of what is coronavirus and I have my opinion about it. I did not find evidence that the virus comes from outside of human body but it is actually produced inside the body as a consequence of fear and toxins.

What is produced inside the body is something called exosomes, I would call it particles that resemble virus. They are produced in order that organism can fight against illness, also they are used for an inter-cell communication and disposal of unneeded proteins, acids, and lipids.

The prolonged psychological state of fear can trigger enormous production of exosomes.


What happened to her was so fast, since March to April, her condition went from bad to worse. The first time she mentioned the sickness was on our birthday, March 27. Seven days later she was in hospital on oxygen and 3 days later she is now in the intensive care.


I think she was under tremendous stress having a flu in this kind of crisis. The stress and the fear from the coronavirus actually created virus itself. I have no other explanation how this all works but this is how I see it. 

My father told me that when he was talking to my sister, while she was at home, he noticed a kind of "giving up" attitude in her. I am not sure but maybe just her fear of having a coronavirus was enough to speed up her illness.


My sister was my twin sister. My mother told us that she was born first, at 6:00, and me second, at 6:05 am. I grow up with my sister and we were so close but we were different in psychological makeup. Five minutes in birth time means a lot for the horoscope because we were really very different.

She was a better person than me. When one my friend called me to express his condolences he said that she liked her more than me. I wasn't angry, she had a golden heart. My grandmother used to say my sister is an angel and I am an antichrist.


In high school she played handball. She was a good player. She was "Vukovac" meaning she was had all best grades n High School. She finished university and she became a genetic engineer. She worked at The Institute for Corn at Zemun.

She was family oriented, she liked my niece and nephew the most in this the world. Upon death of our mother in January 2015, she took such a nice care of my father.

She never wanted to leave Serbia, I called her to come to Canada so many times but she refused. She came here just once, for a visit. She was very loyal friend.


I cannot describe my sister. The words and phrases like caring, compassionate, adventurous, bold, friend, generous, loving, inspiring, strong-willed, determined... fail me. To me, she was the best sister ever.

Her death hit me so hard maybe it's because I had known her since the day I was born. She left me struggling with meaning of all this. I knew her life and death and what is left is just grief.

She's gone. She's no longer around to laugh and cry with me, encourage or share family stories with me. Sometimes, the good memories comfort and make me smile but then sadness comes... in waves.

Rest in peace. 😢

 

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