Tuesday, December 29, 2020

Year 2020 in Review

It is the end of the saddest year of my life. In 2020 I lost my twin sister. She passed away and she left empty space to stay in my heart forever. I can truly say that after her death I'm not the same man I was before.

I've noticed that I have no more patience for bullshit. The bullshit related to love and relationship, dating, friendship, life and world events. After her death I say things as they are, it does not matter I or anyone else like it or not.

In 2020 I did not travel, I did not go anywhere, for more than 6 months Toronto was under total lockdown. I drunk a lot, I smoke a lot and I did sporadic yoga practice. I was healing my wounds in the presence of my friends.

I realized that besides my daughter I only have few close friends to spend time with. Good as well as bad times. I see that friends are everything in life.

But let's go from the beginning. On 1st January I put my profile on match.com and second day I met a wonderful Romanian woman. Our dating was incredible, a lot of passion, going out and partying.

I was fully infatuated with her. We were partying every weekend from January to beginning of March. I intentionally use the word "infatuated" not "love" because we did not have time to get to know each other better.

But when we were left alone, somehow we could not connect. We were different make up and only in common thing was the like for partying and going out.

Most of the time with her I was drunk and when I am drunk I laugh and I dance a lot. We were going to 3030, Pravda club, Reservoir Lounge, Fregatta. We made large house parties where I called my male friends and she called her girlfriends. So it was really interesting.

Our dating ended just before my birthday party in March. I bought a ticket for us to go for Dominican Republic but due to pandemic we did not go and I still have a voucher for that trip. Later in July we reconnected for a three weeks but the old communication problems stated to show up again and we finally say goodbye to each other.

In Toronto the lockdown started on the day I had birthday party with my friend. Our party was on March 14. Only the half of people  we called actually show up but we had a nice time.

On the end of March disturbing news came from my country, my sister was sick but we thought it is nothing serious. She was having fever and she was coughing. Doctors said it was okay it will pass but she developed pneumonia.

I was in contact with her until April 4th, when she was put on respirator. From then things from bad went to worse. Toronto was under deep lockdown and I went to bed every morning after I hear the news how she was doing.

My daughter was working from my place and she made me company in April. I was drinking a lot in the night talking to my friends on the messenger.

The sad spring was coming. Something what I could not imagine in my head became reality. My twin sister, someone I knew all my life was fading away and there is nothing that I could do. I walked a lot in the beginning of May thinking about life and the meaning of all this. 

I don't believe in God, I don't believe in destiny. Her sickness was simply a consequence of her fear of COVID-19. I blame pandemic and the whole situation of panic for her death.

On May 9, my sister passed away. She died from COVID-19 due to blood sepsis. The oxygen level in her blood was on 55% and that was the end.

The end of May and June were difficult for me. I took 10 days of my vacation and I got 5 days for family death but I did not go anywhere. All those days I spent in silent walking, doing yoga and drinking in the nights with my close friends. I cried every night.

In July I continued to party with my friends. The lockdown in Toronto was finished and we could see each other again. I was going to bars and restaurants mostly meeting them on various patios.

During summer time I had great opportunity to sit on my balcony and see my real life position. I decided to have a simple goal - living life without self-concerns. And I'm doing pretty good job in that. True, I must pay more attention to live more healthy, smoke less, drink less and walk more. Also I need to pay attention to saving money and getting rid of my debt. But that is all secondary.

Only important thing is ashtanga half primary series practice. I mean, what else I have? Something more important going? Like what? My plans? What plans? I have no plans, neither short term nor long term. My career? I have no interest improving myself...

All there is is a bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. What I have learned so far, in a gradual manner with lot of mistakes, is that by being alone I have left the ordinary life behind and that I must adopt a new way of life if I am going to survive. I have to proceed strategically with a great care for my well being.

So first, I learned to cook. I'm a good one, I can work in restaurants, actually a long time ago, I had an offer to work there. In July and August I used to make goulash and beans soup in traditional, army, way for me and my friends.

In August, I went for online dating again and I had 3 or 4 unsuccessful dates and I have concluded that my dating is finished, that never-satisfying, semi-delusional, train-wrecking cycle of relationships. I'm alone. I've no hope that future will bring something better.

I have nothing against being with a girlfriend, sometimes waking up together, loving each other, enjoying long conversations, cuddling, watching movies, going out but for living together... and sharing everything, well, that's a big problem for me.
Since I got divorced I did not meet such person to make me wish to change my life. I have dated a lot of women but I did not have a slightest wish to share my deepest life with them.
I was and probably I am still, an emotionally unavailable person. The scars from my marriage are still not forgotten and they never will be. I do not believe in love and sometimes I am wondering what is love all about.

In September I have stopped all dating endeavors. Constantly seeking out relationships, finding them, and ultimately getting let down or letting someone else down was taxing me a lot, literally. September, simply put, was exhausting. Dating sucked the time, energy and money from my life.

This shitty year introduced the lockdown in March and it is finishing in the same way. In October and November I used this as an opportunity to slim down and to strengthen my body. I was about 92 kg. I did yoga practices regularly.

In November I did a home modernization project.

In December I have started weight lifting before yoga practice. My intention is to go to gym once they open it after the lockdown. I want to look good and I wish you to look good too. So I started practicing, started moving again, getting out from the couch...

We are living in an interesting times. And this can be a beautiful thing or a curse. Just like every time so far, in December we review the passing year and we make a resolution for the next.

Every new year brings a cycle of hope that things will be better. January is when we commit to exercise more, eat healthier, quit smoking... become the person we always wanted to be. We believe in the power of change and promise ourselves: “This is our year”.

I'm doing the same thing but this time, the first time in my life, I am not looking forward to the new year. 2020 was bad, a year where we were alive but not really living. Our basic, human rights have been cancelled in the name of protecting others.

2021 is expected to be a post-pandemic year where things might be better, where life will be returned to the "normal". I don't see any evidence for that. 
How things were different last year:

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