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The bottom line

Zee
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In this post, there are no new things, I just repeat what I already said on these pages but, if you first time read my blog, this may surprise you...

I'm not a nice guy!

I am straightforward and honest, but there’s something that I just can’t accept, something that makes me want to vomit, it is in the moment when I am called a nice guy. I feel more freedom not being a nice guy. 

I'm extremely selfish and my selfishness is not related to money, I'm not a cheap guy who does not want to pay drinks for friends, no, I will give you a shirt from my back but the fact is I really do not care about you or anyone in particular. 

My selfishness is related to my single minded focus to gain self-realization.

I'm an existential nihilist

I don't like the optimism, you know, hoping that something better will come. Nothing better will come, getting old sucks big way. Whoever told you that with age you will become smarter lied to you. You were young and stupid and then you are not young anymore.

On another hand, I am not a pessimist either. I don't expect bad outcomes, I am not gloomy, joyless and unhopeful. Well, scratch unhopeful, I am a realist.

The attitude is the thing. Forget those glasses that can be half empty or half full, the glass could be filled to the brim or emptied to the last drop, it depends how thirsty you are.

I'm still adapting myself in my second marriage

Two months ago I started living with my wife. We are married since January. There always will be pro and cons for married life. Generally, I am satisfied although sometimes I find myself longing for a quiet, lonely time. 

In life there is nothing to be happy or unhappy about. Life is not a serious thing. It seems to me that the way most people go on living, they think that the world is supposed to be a logical and consistent place. Well, that is not the case. All misery comes from our idea that the world is true.

We assume that if the world is true then we are also true. This self-importance is the main reason for the feelings of depression, sadness, emptiness, and anxiety. No matter how much we understand about life or don’t, we still have to do the living. I've reached a point when I’m happy with small things. I have no more expectations from life.

It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. The meaning of married life is just to have fun. There is nothing here to be happy or unhappy about so I've stopped worrying. Things take care of themselves, so I intend the best. I'll live my life as it comes...

Future... what is coming?

I have no big aspiration for my future. However, I have no plans to travel.

2022 and 2023 were crazy years, I travelled outside Canada every second month - three times to Serbia, I visited Mexico, Italy, Holland, Spain, Malta, Maldives, US, Dominican Republic and Cuba multiple times.... I visited 3 continents and I spend a lot each time. 

I have no wish to travel anywhere anymore. My wife may go to Serbia to visit her family, that's fine, I will stay in Toronto. Her daughter might come to visit us in December and such case my wife will go with her to Dominican Republic or Mexico, I will be ok staying at home.

My future is related to self-realization. This psychological state of no thoughts which I have in my meditation should continue during a day. That's my goal and task NOW and the future.

Ashtanga yoga is a main part of my life

I am doing Ashtanga yoga since May 2006. Now, 18 years after, I still do half primary series. For how long I don't know. I am not an advanced practitioner, far from it. I do struggle a lot in my practice. There is no easy way to say this so let me just say it - Ashtanga Yoga is really hard. The half primary version of this practice is still quite challenging. It takes on average 45 minutes to complete.

The longer you practice the more you notice how hard it really is. It is utterly intimidating and defeating endeavor. In any sport by training it you gain strength and you increase the practice just like running or swimming for example... but that doesn't apply for Ashtanga Yoga.

Practicing daily is boring, dull and hard, it does not allow any creativity and wishful thinking. It calls for a complete and total surrender. It is the practice of hopelessness which says that there is no way out... The postures and breathing are taking me away from myself... and that is most important.

Very few readers understand me!

And that's perfectly fine. 

Writing a blog today is not easy. Everything is already written and all ideas are out there. The Google search just about anything imaginable will reveal thousands of articles. It can be confusing at a time. So I stick to my own message that I want to convey to my readers and I repeat the same words in different ways...

For example, when I say that people are taking the life too seriously, I mean that they're turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worry about a bunch of things that simply do not matter. Our bare needs are a place to sleep, something to wear and to have two meals a day. Everything else is luxury to please our vanity.

The perception of the world is distorted by our beliefs about what it is and what it should be. And yes, the world plays around our excessive pride in our appearance, qualities, abilities and achievements. And I don't blame no one! People were lied to their entire life. They must investigate and find out the truth for themselves.

Truth?

Truth is... everything in this world, including our sense of ourselves, is FAKE

We are false, our world, aspirations and desires, our family, the marriage, friends, neighbors, teachers, our idols... our country, job, interests, striving, hopes and everything else... are just layers of bullshit, the one on the top of another.

We live our life just for one reason - to see through this pile of shit, to see falseness of everything.

But Instead we make our life serious by setting all kinds of goals - to finish prestigious university, to visit Paris, to see the Eiffel Tower, to complete this asana, to run a marathon, to swim with dolphins, to become rich, to be our own boss, to own a mansion, to drive a Corvette, to find true love - the list, mostly mundane and predictable, is endless.

We are trapped, this is what society wants from us. We live the life where goals, timelines, and deadlines are normal thing. Society tells us that setting and achieving is the only way to lead a fulfilling life, and thus the only way to be truly happy, and they say, we also need to enjoy the process in between - the “journey,” they call it.

We're on the journey following "Work Hard, Dream Big" so we have no time for introspection of our life, no time to think what do we really need and to see our real position.

The main reason for writing this blog

I'm not here to open eyes to anyone. I am writing because I am straight-forward. There is nothing here to be understood. With my articles on this blog, I'm NOT trying to set anyone free. I just want to clear up my mind and announce that I'm leading a different kind of life.

I'm only telling to you that your life is a lie just like mine. If I'm not so convincing, so what? Continue living your wonderful life just as you did before.

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