Sylvia Kristel was my first love. She was a Dutch model and actress who appeared in over 50 films. She is best remembered as the character in five of the seven Emmanuelle films. For me, at that time, the Emmanuelle movies was my 'Alice in Wonderland' trip.

When she was asked did she regret making those Emmanuelle movies she said:

Oh, I've have absolutely no regrets. Because of her I went on to work solidly for many years, travelled the world and met thousands of people. I worked with directors like Claude Chabrol, Walerian Borowczyk and Roger Vadim. I would say to them: "Well, you know I can't really act?" And they would say: "It doesn't matter, come with us and make a movie, we'll have lots of fun!" That's what I miss about film-making in those days, the fun.

Well, she was a tall, skinny, look fairly androgynous with no tits to speak of. But she did look confident nude and I think that's what attracted people. If she'd had tick lips and big boobs like Marilyn Monroe or Jayne Mansfield I think her life would have been as short as theirs. 

Remember the movies add - "Emmanuelle is sensual, she's elegant ... she's fantasy, she's fun ... the first film of its kind that lets you feel good without feeling bad."

This probably did express my later life's outlook, cheap eroticism that resembels an elegant wardrobes and shiny cosmetics.

That's how my love and sex life started, I'll never forget Emmanuelle movies. Thank you Sylvia for a good time. Now 40 years later I am 56 and I'm single, exactly as I was back then.

All my "big" loves are gone. Angela 1 and 2, Dreamer, Stranger, Metamorphose and others as I call them with funny names... and of course my ex wife. I don't know maybe they are still alive but for me they are dead. I am crossing into 2021 alone.

I don't worry, it really doesn't matter, memories fade away. Every memory dies, the things we did, how many orgasm we had, the good time, the wonderful time, the trips, presents, all gone with the wind. 

The words we said the impacts we made for good or for bad, big or small, they all lost it's meaning and it doesn't matter to anyone anymore.

The last message to the one of my ex girlfriends