The more I look at things I cannot get rid of the feeling that existence is quite weird. "I" am a little germ that live on an unimportant planet that revolves about an insignificant star on the outer edges of the one of the smaller galaxies.

It strikes me that existence is very very strange. If I am honest I see that the most fascinating problem in the world is Who am I. I don't think there can be any more fascinating preoccupation than that because it's so mysterious it's so elusive. And, there is no answer to that question.

My life's goal is to reach enlightenment, precisely, to know who am I. I'm describing on these pages the struggle to answer this question and to become self-realized. I don't say self-realized person because there is no such thing as "person". 

Since the lockdown started, I have noticed, as the days are passing, I tend to go more and more sad. The sadness became my general mood now. That's not so good so I have to change my attitude.

What should I do with my life?

This is a simple question but I struggle to find answer. Sure, there are lucky people who seem to be so busy that they think they know exactly what they want to do.

It seems to me I am always on the beginning. I went through so many beginnings in my life. I remember that July 1984, after the farewell to army party, I sat with my mom on the bench and I told her, mom I am going to the army service and after that I will never return back to the place where I am born. We both cried because we both felt that was true.

I got out from the army service in August 1985 and in October I started my mechanical engineering studies. It was a new beginning, a new life for me. I completed studies in August 1992 and with my ex wife I went to Sweden. New beginning again. In Sweden we applied for immigration to Canada and we got the papers.

Always a new beginning - when I got married, when I became a father, when we arrived in Canada. In Canada I started as a dishwasher in various restaurants and finished as a computer consultant having my own company. Then I got divorced in 2013, again a new beginning, completely new way of life...

And now when my twin sister died from covid-19 in May last year, I am on the new beginning again. What I have lived so far is finished, I have to find a new way to survive this pain and this anger of what has happened.

You've got your own struggle, no doubt about it. You've probably lived in different places, tried a few different careers already but you haven't found one that you truly like. And now, from a different reasons, just like me, you're asking the same question as me - what to do next?

I cannot help you. I don't know what you and I might do next. Existence is weird. But I have curiosity to find out who am I. In general, most people don't even understand what that means, what actually I am looking, searching and living for; they do not wish to know themselves. For them the curiosity and wonder are dead.

For those who believe in God, this question is already answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula about soul, heaven and hell, the answer is far from the known. In my case, I am my own god. I struggle to unlearn all the teachings of the schools, religion, state, and our society in general.

I have also stopped searching for truth. There is no truth in this wold to be found. It looks like to me that we are here for a short period of time in order to have fun. Life has no meaning unless you want to fool yourself.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace till the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle! Life is but a shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.  - Shakespeare, MacBeth

After 20 years of my sincere investigation I have concluded that existence is not a simple lie, it is a hypocrisy. It gives us the notion of free will. I'd say it's important to believe in free will in our daily lives. We need a concept of free will to hold others and ourselves accountable. But unfortunately there are different factors that govern our behavior — the free will does not exist.

Life is really ridiculous!

I mean, you were born on certain date and until around 2 or 3 years old you didn't know yourself, and then suddenly "I am" notion appears and you start knowing yourself. If you lucky enough not to go to kindergarten, very soon in school, you will find out that the life is some serious shit.

By living your life, every single day you are faced with a million little things that encourage you to take the life seriously. You are so self-centered so many things bother you. I am free to say that your life is nothing but one frustration after another.

When I say that you are taking the life too seriously, I mean that you're turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worrying about a bunch of things that simply do not matter. Our bare needs are a place to sleep, something to wear and to have two meals a day. Everything else is luxury to please our vanity.

Everything in this world is fake.

In my investigation I have concluded that we are living with a wrong sense of ourselves, we are living with false identity. Basically we are fake, our world, aspirations and desires, our country, job,  interests, striving, hopes  and everything else... are one layer of lies on the top of another.

I have clearly seen that we live our life just for the one simple reason - to see through this pile of shit, to see falseness of everything. Instead we do opposite, we make our existence serious by setting all kinds of goals - to finish prestigious university, to visit Paris, to see the Eiffel Tower, to complete this yoga posture, to run a marathon, to swim with dolphins, to become rich, to be our own boss, to own a mansion, to drive a Corvette, to find true love - the list, mostly mundane and predictable, is endless.

Unfortunately, this is what society wants from us. We live the life where goals, timelines, and deadlines are normal thing. Society tells us that setting and achieving is the only way to lead a fulfilling life, and thus the only way to be truly happy, and they say, you also need to enjoy the process in between - the “journey,” they call it.

The existence is weird because we made our life to be a journey following "Work Hard, Dream Big" idea. We have no time for introspection of our real situation, no time to find out who we really are.