My twin sister, died from covid-19 on May 9, 2020

It makes no sense and it never will. A year ago at 4 am, my niece told me sad news. I laid down on the floor of my bedroom and cried. Nobody prepares you for that.

That was it. The end of her dreams, when her hopes faded away like a piece of paper down the drain. It really hurts. So badly. It makes you scream, it makes you angry. But there is nothing I could do.

I'm fond of life but I have never loved this world. This world is too painful to be a good place for living. I know my sister is in a better place now. I will miss her to the end of my life.

I saw your star faded from the sky
Only the memories I will hold
With my blessing you go
Turn your lights to a path that leads home

I'll see you again I cannot tell
I'll say this last goodbye
We came all this way
But now comes the day

I bid you a very fond farewell

Death is an end to an individual. It is the end of a person. It is a death of a body but the consciousness as an energy continues. We, as a consciousness, exist forever. So death is the end of one person, and at the same time, the beginning of a new life for someone and somewhere else.

Death of my sister have influenced my own life. I have been deeply touched and I'm still trying to turn my life around, to find an explanation, to find a reason, a meaning of all this.

50-something years ago

I face my life and my existence on this planet as an almighty cosmic joke but I am not laughing, I'm damn certain, I'm the subject of the joke.

In this life I am interested in awakening, in getting enlightenment, obtaining self-realization, call it as you wish. That is difficult, no difficult is not right word, it is impossible. 

Know Yourself is a main thing in life and in the process of finding out about myself I see only ugly, unpleasant, hurtful and dishonest things. The whole process of discovery hurts.

Since I started on this spiritual path, 19 years ago, I have discovered my own ugliness, my lies, pretense, hypocrisy, fears... Fortunately, I am not a thin-skinned, heart-oriented and addicted-to-comfort guy so I proceed further. I have no hopes that I will ever rich enlightenment but who cares, I am striving even harder with ruthless self-investigation and self-observation.

Somewhere in this process over the years, I've developed the capacity to see things as they are, and that makes me seeing things with brutal self-honesty. We're stuck with the comfortable day-to-day deception, oppression and depression. 

We're surrounded by lies and we ourselves have became a big lie. I can say this because I've seen for myself, everything I think, say and do is just projection of my lying mind.

August 2019

Waking towards enlightenment is a frightening endeavor. It shatters the beliefs, world view and dissolves day-to-day certainty. You start seeing things you may not want to see. 

The culprit of all seeing is the seeing that we don't exist, the "I" don't exist. Simple words which do not make any sense. Are they? 

I am also looking at others, the humanity as a whole. It is a really sad, miserable situation. A small minority of people, a tiny few, controls all natural resources, money and freedom on this planet.

They killed my sister

They control everything and the most dangerous thing is their control over the information. Every single government of this world is under their influence. The corrupted politicians are just pawns in the hands of few. 

I'm not afraid any more, I can get rid of anything that I own, I can live with one meal a day. I'm training myself for times to come. You are also afraid and you are afraid because of your possessions. "This is mine" is a source of all your fears.

You suffer more for the loss of your old shoes than when you hear that someone's child died. Well, the shoes were yours and someone's else child is not. It is this sense of "mine" that will be downfall of humanity.

May 2020

You are born sane and spoiled by contemporary education, influenced with neo-liberal, corporate values - the values of ego, hypocrisy, self-calming, empty talking, vanity and self-love. Today, you live thinking only about yourself.

There is an enormous contradiction between your intelligence and the stupidity of your beliefs. You stick to your beliefs, ideas of good and evil and social mores. 

You set up hopes and expectations and dreams of success or failure based on such beliefs but you don't see that you have made yourself covetous, greedy and coward.


RIP, I'm fighting for you

I will tell you a terrible truth: You don't want to be free! You're a slave and as the slave you dream of becoming a master rather than of gaining freedom. And the age of mankind will end by required vaccination and the universal nano chip in the body.

Always in my heart