I am getting old my friend. Here they are: the gray hair, skin wrinkles, belly fat and also dramatically changed psychology.

The one of early signs that I am getting old was the intolerance to any kind of noise. First I complained in the restaurant that it is too noisy, too much chattering, second I would avoid concerts and parties because the music is too loud... that how aging starts.

I was last night at MK for a beer with my friends. I listened their stories and I was laughing, they are good guys. But I often argue with them. You see, the older I get the less patience I have for bullshit, so the most of my time with my friends and other people, I keep my cool listening to their bullshit stories. But sometimes I voice my point of view.

I start talking with them in a more serious way. I regret after that because that is just another sign of getting old. I should not care, or saying more politely, I should be less judgemental about their bullshit. Their head games may be their perfectly legitimate way of their life. In short, my arguing is just my own bullshit, and I have enough humility to realize that.

So I cultivate the simplicity and patience. Patience is a real deal and something what I really need. Cool is good. But it’s achieved through patience, so I really need to cultivate that. And be kind to everyone, head games or no.

Just before I started to write this post I texted my daughter, she is visiting my ex wife. I told her to say hi to my ex and congratulate her our 8 year divorce anniversary. Yes, June 30 is the day I took my bed out of bedroom and moved it to yoga room... I left our condo in 2 weeks and started living alone.

But my friend if you follow this blog you already know everything about that, for all others, just look in RELATIONSHIP category and find it. I am too lazy to post the links here.

Anyway, my daughter wanted to come today for a dinner but I told her that I am too busy and tired. When she comes I always make her something to eat. But our communication is not good at all - how are you, I am fine thanks... that's all what we talk about.

I have no clue how other divorced parents handle their kids. I wonder am I a good parent. I mean I give her money, I support her in any possible way but something is still missing. I often wonder why she did not defend the marriage with my ex. She was indifferent with our divorce and she did not say a word against it.

I have concluded that in life, there will be some questions left without answers. No matter how much I wonder why, why my daughter did not support my marriage, the answer will remain a mystery. Maybe she don't know it either.

8 years later, I am here, alone and aware. I did 11th yoga practice this morning and I am behind schedule so I will do another 45 minutes of yoga after I finish this post. Somehow, I am always behind my schedule so why I am making schedules at all.

Tomorrow, the second part of my empty vacation starts. I will go back to work on July 11th and in mean time... what? I don't know what will I do, there is nothing planned, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Great. As time pass I am slowly started to realize that "nothing planned, nowhere to go, nothing to do" will be my way of life to the very end.

The great cosmic joke is that human beings rarely come to realization that "nowhere to go, nothing to do" is actually very point of life. Usually, people have to first stuff themselves with information, knowledge, studies, search for happiness, accumulation of everything possible... on and on, until one day they see there is so much poop around them, and in that moment of realization something changes.

What exactly changes I cannot say but the fortunate are those who came to this point. They become aware that nothing they have learned that exists externally could have ever made any difference, and that the shit they smell is actually the smell of their overloaded intellect. 

Yup that's it, happy Tuesday....