My friends,

let me tell you that nothing will be the same anymore in my life because nothing feels the same anymore. Nothing is particularly wrong except this inner dissatisfaction, which is increasingly growing up. I can't stand myself anymore.

Myself, my self-expression, aka personality, is an acquired thing. You get it from the outside. It is established in early childhood, than strengthen up in teenage years, further built up as you are young... and it's finished. Very few things are changed in the middle age and almost nothing in the old age. Yeah, except maybe that you increasingly became sick of everything, tired, depressed, lazy, in one word... coward. The lust for life has faded away.

In 3 weeks I will be 57. I thought I feel like a teenager but when re-read the post from yesterday, I clearly see that a thread of my negative personality is taking over my life.

OK, fine. This usually happens to the ignorant people. I know that personality is a changeable thing and exactly that I am going to use to make myself according to my own wish. When you know what do you want, the universe has no choice but to deliver it.

So lets start from the beginning and the begging of my new life happened when I got divorced, 9 years ago.

After my divorce I still did not accustom myself to be really alone. I always do something like browsing YouTube, listening to music and documentaries, I non-stop listen the radio, reading daily news, reading Facebook, texting on the phone.

When I go out, on a rare occasion, I drink a lot and talk stupidities. Somehow, it is embedded into my psyche that I need to be smart, serious and respected and that is causing a feeling of lack so always I seek approval of others to destroy that feeling.

My girlfriend eloquently described me yesterday as a "vain person" having and showing an excessively high opinion of my appearance, abilities and worth... I am in need of constant approval, as she said, even more than her. She smiled, but damn, it was a really hard thing to swallow.

In any way, I'm not going to change my personality, like be more polite, be more considerate, less vain, lead healthy life, quit smoking, shit in the toilet...

I'm conditioned thinking that I'm going somewhere that I'm improving, becoming better. So I get into trap of wanting to be something other than what I really am. I don't need to change anything, what I need is to get rid of these bullshit personality altogether and remain as an empty being being just awareness.

I always look forward to the future for something to come. That is a terrible mistake. My bare needs are to have two meals a day, a warm place to sleep and something to wear, nothing else.

I'm born in this world and since that moment I'm heading towards death, whether I may like it, dislike it, believe it, disbelieve it, whether I'm atheist, theist, following this religion, that religion, I may even claim I had hundreds of incarnations, whatever I say or do, I'm not spared, the death with complete forgetfulness is awaiting me.

I have one dream. It is a dream of attaining enlightenment. I'm so close, a blue universe is there when I'm gone. I'm longing for that. My goal of attaining self-realization is my passion, my lust for life. If I lose it, I will lose the purpose for living. So I keep chasing this dream.

I have to be careful not to lose myself in the labyrinth of daily life, in the long hours at work, in drinking, going out, reading daily news and in all kinds of other stupidities.

I'm keeping in my mind real question... How is possible? My "I am" sense is the same as the world? That is what want to find out, to discover and move on.

I am going to exercise more being kind and humble to others and of course, shit in the toilet, that's all that matters in this visible world. Other than that, I don't follow anyone or anything.