Just like yesterday, today is a gloomy, rainy day here in Toronto. I went to bed around midnight, my friends visited me and they left around 11:45 pm. After they left I went straight to bed. The most of the night I was awake while sleeping so I observed thoughts and how they create dreams and pictures. It was quite interesting to witness all that. I noticed that my mind never sleeps it always generates thoughts.

I woke up refreshed, had a morning coffee and then cleaned apartment, washed toalet and mapped the floor...

I am a quite happy guy!

I know what you are thinking: well, you should be happy, you are smart and handsome, you look good, you are healthy... Yes, what you're saying is quite true, yet, my happiness is for another reason.

I am a single. I'm free. There is something more bitter than loneliness - it is being in a relationship with a woman who was not interested in the world I want to see and share, or she was too busy or preoccupied with other things or whatever.

The present events and the world that covers my existence are not really touching me. Not that I particularly approve or disapprove these matters, this condition, this state of affairs, I simply don't care what offends people and what doesn't. It is all imagination, in reality there is no one to be offended.

It's extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any meaning, that life is essentially meaningless. It's very disillusioning to get that no matter what you might accomplish, it will disappear like smoke in the air; that no matter what work you might attempt to perform, it's all insignificant in the end.

I really get this but I realized a thing that most of the people easily miss, because life has no meaning, because nothing really matters at all and everything is purposeless, then my worries and stress don't really matter either.

After writing a blog for almost 9 years I came to realization that whatever I may think I have understood, whatever is my knowledge, it is all bullshit. All teachings, practices, instructions are ideas. A grand idea is that I am growing up, becoming better and wiser, and I have come this way, that way. All that is bullshit.

I am only moving in ignorance, as long as I don't see my own helplessness, my life has no meaning. To become more and more convinced, to get more understanding about the falseness of life and the world, at the same time means to get more understanding of my true nature, and that is the only thing that matters.

What I really want is to continue to live simple, stress-free, healthy life. And those things cannot come from outside, from the world. The world affairs are main source of confusion and doubts. The current situation in the world, this coronavirus pandemic, is planed for years, if not decades. People are now willing to give up basic freedom in the name of not getting flu. But I really do not care about that.

No more wasting time to prove something. I have walked away from opinions of others, not because I don’t care, but because they don’t. I accepted the fact that no one really cares about me. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s necessary for waking up.

I have no desire to make a difference in this world, I am only concerned how to live my life truthfully when everything around myself are lies and hypocrisy. I am consistent, I have a goal, an abstract goal, the one that is impossible to accomplish, the one that no one understands. And yet, I am striving to accomplish it.

At this moment I would like to increase my physical activity. I want to break up this laziness, I am behind 7 yoga practices in this year. And to do regular yoga practice I have to change my life. I noticed that whenever I drink too much in the night, the next day I miss yoga practice.

I am 56 and I cannot afford the laziness and sluggishness because I will be old, just like the rest of my generation. I have nothing against old age, I simply like to take care of myself. And ashtanga yoga is right here for me. 

Practicing ashtanga yoga is a way of life. This practice requires mindful life, going to bed on time, waking up rested and feeling good. Only then the early morning practice is easily done. Getting drank night before or eating too much or not eating at all, are making ashtanga yoga impossible.

I have decided to change my life. Effective immediately I will stop going out to the restaurants, I will stop extensive drinking and it will save me money too. This month alone I have to pay Visa and Master Card $2600, and 65% from that sum I spent on dining out. It is ridiculous, I have no girlfriend and to spend this much has no real explanation except that I am completely crazy. Oh well, my pills does not help.

So from today no more restaurants and no more house parties. I will neither call my friends for parties at my home nor I will go to their places. At least for a month. I have to pull the break for this extensive drinking.

My vacation is finishing today, a weekend is left and then I am back for work. It is a new moon day but I will do yoga practice and I will do it every day for the rest of July.

I have already told my friends that I will not go out to the restaurants and they should not call me. It is now up to me to keep my direction clear. I had many posts just like this one, where I have plan something but later nothing happens. So my friend, you who read my blog, be the witness. In next posts I will follow up how things are going.