Someday, I am going to write a book and the title will be I'm an asshole

That is the most liberating, beautiful thing in the world. It is wonderful. You may tell: “Zee, you are so wrong.” I can reply: “What can you expect of an asshole?” 

Normally the way it goes, somebody press a button and I am up, press another button and I am down. How many people do you know who are unaffected by praise or blame?

If you find me charming, it means that right now you’re in a good mood, nothing else. 

If I ever let myself feel good when you tell me that I am okay, I am preparing myself to feel bad when they tell me I am not so good. 

As long as I live to fulfill your expectations, I better watch what I wear, how my hair looks, whether my shoes are in fashion - in short, whether I live up to your every damned expectation.


When I saw that I am an asshole, I was shocked

This is what I discovered in my life. I protested but on the end I gave up. I accepted the fact. Disarmed, I let it go.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the final look, I am an asshole, you are an asshole, so where’s the problem?

And that's the end of my spiritual understanding. 

It started 20 years ago, I step the foot on my spiritual path of Self-Discovery. Since then I've changed so much and I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was.

I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, and to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, in one word just an asshole. I was struggling with my beliefs and with no real sense of what really matters in life. I use to drive BMW and wear expensive clothes. However, I was in the constant state of inner dissatisfaction. And that dissatisfaction with life was what I consider to be the most critical first step towards my spiritual awakening.

Maybe it’s because it was my own first step, but I have reason to believe it’s a great place for anyone to begin. 


You begin by being total asshole and then you proceed step by step to find out that for yourself 

Some people may be naturally interested in learning more about themselves and growing as person; however, they may find it difficult to see the ugly truth.

I can trace my path of self-discovery back to a single decision, one that led me to the life-changing events. I wanted to become a Saint. Suffice it to say, I did not know what that exactly means but I felt it was something good to strive for.

Back in January 2002, I started with Theosophy. I read Secret Doctrine of Madam Blavatsky and I like it. I needed more. So I took Gurdjieff and his Fourth Way. The things he discussed I heard them for the first time. I sincerely practiced Self-Observation and Self-remembrance for several years.

I encountered psychological shock after shock about my own personality and my behavior. 

I discovered my inner world of lies and frustrations. I discovered my own walking sleep. Then I started to ask myself consciously questions like: Who am I? Where did I come from? What am I here for? Am I doer or just an actor? Am I at sleep all the time? How can I be awake? Where am I going?

I started to reject questions of general society such as “what you do” and “what you have" and replaced them with with questions that get at the purpose and meaning of life. In 2005 I discovered Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi and they told me that I need to be... just be. 

I was in shock when I read Nisargadatta for the first time. So there I was, in the middle of my desperate search for purpose and meaning, and there was Nisargadatta. His words may not seem profound or earth-shattering to you, but they were for me at the time. They were the beginning of my conscious awakening. I also practiced zazen meditation for several years.

Mistake again. 


I can not become what I already am

There are quite a few highly respected teachers who say there is no progress to make, that all is the illusion, that we are already fully awake, already enlightened, and that we just have to stop struggling and searching. What we seek is what we already are, and it's only our searching that blinds us to that truth.

If that is the case then billions of people already follow such path. 

They never did any spiritual search on their own. They live their life fully unconscious that there is such a thing as spirituality. They laugh and cry, work, make babies, watch tv, follow sports, enjoy life, suffer pains etc.. until they die. 

On other side, in Self-Discovery there is nothing to discover. 

Even though I might see myself as a spiritual seeker, I am not seeking anything; there is nothing to be found, except that I am an asshole. But I already know that.