I live at High Park area of Toronto in a small, 550 sq. feet, one bedroom, cozy apartment. I'm a simple, straightforward guy and I don't like complications and anything that creates over thinking.

Last night, I went to MK, met my friends and returned early. Around 11 pm I spent time for some serious thinking about my life, a sort of orientation, some quiet sitting, introspection, looking at the present moment.

My friends, as you already know, my girlfriend lives far away, I love her, I want to be with her but that is not possible anyhow my crazy, one-attentional mind, made her my main focus of my life.

I put her on a pedestal, so she has no choice but to look down on me. I became too sensitive for her words. Yesterday, she occasionally mentioned my belly fat and I was so upset. My reaction was not cool.

All these years I dated women in which I was not so interested in, I had a very hard time settling down, and now when I finally met really remarkable woman I'm finding myself tripping and making terrible dating mistakes.


I'm watching myself, what else can I do?

Since November last year, my life is different. Until then, I was trying to put the strings together and move on towards my goal of obtaining self-realization. Since I met her, she has entered into every corner of my existence. My life has became so packed with thoughts and desire for her so it is difficult for me to keep direction.

The truth is I have no one close to me in this world, except my daughter who comes rarely, and drinking buddies, I call friends. I have nothing to do. I am alive, but I don't really have anything to do with this world. I have no ambition, nowhere to go, no one to be or become.

I became unsatisfied with things as they are, some deep longing, desire and sadness became my inner state. 

I've started taking some serious interest in how my girlfriend sees me and that is not so good. I don't blame her, she is perfectly fine, I'm blaming only myself so I guess it sounds weird. So, I want to turn things around...


The truth is, I am lazy, weak... and fat!

Whether I recognize it or not, or maybe I just don't even want to admit it, in this difficult times, I have to leave my old habits, it's time to say goodbye to my lazy self and goodbye to empty words. I have a nice life schedule but I've not been disciplined enough to follow it.

Somehow I've allowed to go with the flow, knowing very well that only a dead fish goes with the flow. It is no surprise that I'm out of balance - hyper sensitive and unsatisfied...  What do I do? The fact is that I am lazy, weak... and I have belly fat. I have ate a lot, drunk a lot and my belly is enormous.

I have slimmed since New Year from 93 to 90 kg this morning, I want to go down 2 kg more, all that is just the fat around my stomach. I must watch closely of what I eat and drink, what I don't do. I need 4 to 8 glasses of water during a day, somehow I've stopped drinking water.

I can brag all day long what I need to do and change and talk about conscious awakening, which is wonderful, but it doesn't make a bit of difference. I'm mad and fed up with this bullshit going on. It’s sickening of what I'm doing and how I behave.

I’m sickened with the crap being so lazy to have only 7 yoga practices so far this year – it’s disgusting. I’m obviously in a pissed off mood this night but it feels good and right.

I need to dig up some serious guts and take things into my own hands, wisely. It’s going to be a combat for my own existence, staying extremely conscious.


Both my life and the world have changed

This changes, and recent events, are generating an exhausting, demoralizing stream of feeling lost and being scared for the future. I've caught myself of being anxious and overwhelmed by my inner dissatisfaction and the incessant barrage of negative headlines.  

Despite such feelings, my spiritual understanding I've acquired in the past, bring me back to stability. Staying engaged with a world is a dangerous thing. 

What I need now is time for self-care and spiritual renewal - at least if I want to avoid being sucked into the wheel of daily inanities, damaging depression and work burnouts.

I should never forget who I really am. I don't necessarily need help for anything. I am complete here and now. 

My cynical negativity in this post is a clear display of my ignorance and not the whole story.