My dear friends, are you sure we live in the same world?

I do not mean nature, the land and the sea, buildings and streets. They are not the problem, nor the endless space, the ever passing time in this universal boredom. 

Do not be misled by my drinking and smoking, reading and writing, working and masturbating. That's just on the surface, my mind is not there, I'm not there.

My outside world is full of desires and their fulfillment, of fears and their escapes, is definitely not my real world. It is my private dream world and my only wish is to stop dreaming.

All the three states of my consciousness, that of waking, dreaming and sleeping, are deeply my own, they are subjective, personal and intimate. They all happen to and are contained within the little bubble in my sense of self, called "I am". My real world lies beyond this sense of self.

Of course facts are real but wrapped inside this "I am" I don't live among them. I live with fancies, not with facts. Facts never clash, while my life and world are full of contradictions. Contradiction is the mark of the false; the real never contradicts itself. 

After my post that I'm moving to Malta, I opened LinkedIn account, updated my resume and I have started sending and applying for Senior Programmer job positions in Malta. However, my profile is visible here in Canada too so some recruiting agents started contacting me for other job opportunities. 

And needless to say, I got a great contract opportunity with salary of more than $100 per hour. Of course I got interested and I will go for an interview for those positions next week. I also got an interview for Malta's job opportunity with considerable less salary. 

In conversation with my girlfriend I have concluded that her job in Malta is still up in the air, not well defined and very much uncertain so I may end up being there before her. I would not like that to happen. So now I'm very much confused.

I'm fully aware of my present life. I see this as a wrong approach to circumstances created by my misunderstanding and misuse of my desires. It is a vicious circle. I want to broke this confusion. Is it just enough to see it as it is, as non-existent? I have no clue.

Insanity is universal, sanity is rare. Yet there is hope for me, because the moment I perceive my insanity, I'm on the way to sanity. This is the function of my daily meditation, of being aware and quiet. Awakening is to be used in daily life, it is for us to see this madness of our daily living. 

Life makes me conscious, but the awakening makes me aware. On Friday in two days I'm starting yoga retreat in order to make myself more aware. I will do meditation and silent walking in High Park. I need moments of full awareness.

At this moment, on this crossroad of my life where everything is unknown I remember the great words of my teacher: "in every concrete situation there is only the necessary and the unnecessary".

He told me that the needful is right, the needless is wrong. The situation decides. Every situation is a challenge which demands the right response. When the response is right, the challenge is met and the problem ceases. If the response is wrong, the challenge is not met and the problem remains unsolved. My unsolved problems - that is what constitutes my destiny. I have to solve them rightly and be free.

I love my girlfriend and she loves me, I feel that. I love her because she is just like me, a realist. She told me that her job in Malta needs to be built from ground up and that requires time. I have to wait and be patient. She is a Sagittarius, she can do that but I'm an Aries, the patience is not my thing.

So here I'm. I don't know what to do and I don't know what will come up from my job search here in Toronto or in Malta. 

The world problems are created by numberless people like me, each full of own desires and fears. Who can free me of my past, personal and social, except myself? And how will I do it unless I see the urgent need of my being first free of cravings born of illusion? How can I truly help anyone, as long as I need help myself?