It’s been 20 years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, I had no idea what really matters in life.

At age of 29, I arrived in Canada with my eight months old daughter, my wife and $10K cash. I was learning English and I worked hard as a dishwasher to support family. My wife did not work. After a year of making salads and washing dishes I got my job as a computer programmer. I bought our first condo in 1999 which I paid off ten years later, and just couple of years later I got divorced.

I hear people of my age talking about retirement, pension plans, and future in general. They are very much afraid of what will happen to them. They are afraid of getting old. I do not worry about such things. What is the future after all? An imagination. The future does not exist, it is just in the mind. People lose present moment worrying about the future, worrying about something that does not exist.

In this life nothing has any value

I am free to say that I have discovered the truth - nothing has value. Events arouse desire, fear, anger, and you think it is "you". You get stuck talking to yourself, explaining, hoping, trying to find any meaning in all this.

Life has no explanations to give. It is an empty, meaningless flow of events that just go on and on. Whatever happens has little or no importance. People are born, they live their pity lives... they eat, shit, fuck, work and work and work more until they die.

Two years ago I made my last will. Upon my death my body is to be cremated and ashes spread in water and earth. No reminder of my existence should be left. That's my last will.

I have no relatives here in Canada, me and my daughter, that's all... I love my daughter and I try to help her as much as I can. I try to talk to her and give her life's advice but it does not work. I have concluded that in life you cannot help anyone especially the loved ones.

To find the truth, to see what is real and to lead a genuine life is a goal of everyone. Life is rarely straightforward as you may wish. Life is both profound and simple, yet process of understanding it tends to be very difficult, if not downright complicated.

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. - Cecil Beaton

A great secret of life is that you exists not in order to achieve something but actually to simplify things. You are here to cut through your crowded thoughts and paranoia, to cut through your confusion and doubt.

Two huge mistakes you make

The heart of all confusion is that you have a sense of self which seems to us to be continuous and solid. When a thought or feelings or event occurs, there is a sense of someone being conscious of what is happening.

The sense of self is actually imagination, transitory and discontinuous "thing". So you end up with this confused view as being real, you struggle to maintain it and do everything possible to enhance this "solid" sense of self. You try to feed it with pleasures and shield it from pain.

So your life became endless pursuit of physical comfort, security and pleasure. The entire human society is organized in this way - you try to control the nature, fear change and try to avoid irritations at all costs.

You always search for the "reason", why things happen the way they happen. You try to rationalize, justify, find set of rules, find interpretation of how and why things happen as they do. And doing that you actually do not see things as they are.

Your interpretation of reality is taken too seriously, so your world looks very much static and rigid place to live in. Such a solid world reassures you that you are a solid, "something", continuous as well. The world exists so therefore you, the seers of the world, exist.

Don Juan categorized people into three types... One was farts, a smelly fart - very assertive, ready to tell you - Fuck you, are you sure that's the way to do it?

The other, golden piss - the sweetest, wonderful beings, they give words. They could die for you, or so they say. They won't, but they say it, which is very nice - nicer than the fart.

The third type, puke. Not fart, not piss, just puke - the kind that doesn't have anything to give, but promises the world, and has you begging ...

- Carlos Castaneda

Hopes and expectations are your main enemies

Get rid of hopes and expectations as well as fears. Drop altogether the idea of security and see the irony of attempts to secure yourself.

Accept yourself as you are, instead of what you would like to be. Fear, hope, loss, gain, good, bad - these are on-going actions of our current life, the self-maintaining structure of our own self-deception

The truth is... you exists only in the present moment and that is consciousness. When you face things as they are you have no hope of something better to come. You are actually living.

Give up the memories and imagination and be nothing, understand nothing, do nothing. No one is coming to save you, to the extent that no one is going magically to enlighten you. The life is a lonely road and you travel alone. You may have a companion or not but you must know, no one will take care of you at the end.

The life experiences are your product and living is nothing else but the process of dismantling, undoing, opening, giving up, of everything. It is the end of struggle to be "something". Once you give up the struggle there is no one left to conquire it.

The world is reflection of yourself

All fears come from uncertainty of who you are, from the panic of forgetfulness. You don't trust yourself, feeling that you are inadequate to deal with that mysterious life that is threatening you. What will happen to you? is always on your mind.

The world reflects your uncertainty and your fears. The world is a mirror projection of yourself, of what you take yourself to be! Your uncertainty is haunting you. To know this, it is wisdom.

Enjoy the world and stop being afraid of yourself by cultivating the good sense of humor. Understand and accept your insignificance, stop all seriousness and enjoy life as it comes, from moment to moment.

Laugh at people making a big deals about small things. Closely observe your own behavior and laugh about it too. Once you are completely familiar with negative aspects of the state of your being, then you know the "way out"... that's it.

Courage and optimism diminish with time

As you grow older, as time is passing by, you are becoming more and more a coward. With age you lack the courage to do or endure unpleasant things. Some of you appear as cynics but actually you are just timid, easily intimidated person.

The house that you own, the money in retirement fund etc. do not really protect you. It fools you. There is no security or any rest in this world, the picture of old people on the beach is not realistic. It does not show, the pills for high blood pressure, diapers, the lack of sleep, rheumatism etc...

With the age, you start remembering the most embarrassing crap you did in your life with perfect clarity. The kind things you did will be pushed away, you will forget them. The bad things come out from the dirt of subconsciousness. Instead to correct yourself, you start correcting other people in your life, your kids, spouse, neighbors, co workers. With age you have a fleeting sense of superiority over younger people so they start to resent you.

You are nobody

There’s no meaning to life, no reward for achieving all the things you've achieved. And please, stop saying that things were better back then in your youth. When you were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Oh well.

You are on your life journey. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so the answers to questions Is There Truth in Life? is not applicable. Truth is relative. I have concluded that there is not such thing as truth. Everything that you know is false, there are only lies. Life has no other explanation to give you. You may have concluded something else... Does it really matter?