Nostalgia means the pain of missing something wonderful. There is a sense of loss, and a sense of appreciation that stays as a memory you can still enjoy.

Here I am. Sunday, 4 am in the morning, I spoke with my girlfriend, she arrived in Amsterdam and heading for Belgrade. She will be to her home soon.

Our honeymoon vacation is over, I am alone again. I'm not sad, we had a good time, but this vacation has shown all my shortcomings... I'm overweight, I have a belly fat, a large stomach which I can't pull in. Most of the time, I talk stupidities, I present myself as unstable and lazy, I so often change my mind, I say one thing and do something else. 

My girlfriend, being a straightforward as she is, has pointed out those things on several occasions. It all culminated couple days ago with her remark that she is a premium for me. She meant that she is much better in look and behavior than me. 

She has hit me directly in my self-confidence, without pardon. It was not pleasant experience to hear it but I have to agree. As I stand now, she is a way better than me.



I've made changes in my relationships more times than I can count. I've been dumped and also I've broke up relationships myself many times . In the process, I learned one thing over and over again...it is my attitude, my point of view, that defines the value of people in my life.

I certainly don't want to be in relationship with someone who thinks it is better than me. I have to feel equal and on the same ground without an irrational fear that may lead me to believe that I'm undervalued.

In his novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera says there are two types of men: men who are looking for the perfect woman and can never find her, and men who convince themselves that every woman they meet is already perfect.

I love this and believe it applies to just about anyone who consistently finds themselves in bad relationships. They desperately try to see their partner as a perfect being by “fixing” them or changing them in their own eyes, they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is perfect.

It is all wrong. Nobody is perfect.

I love my girlfriend. I don't take her words as something insulting rather I'm accepting them as a sign of true intimacy. 

I have to change my look and behavior. It is not for her but for myself that I want to look better, feel healthier and be a stable person.



I must stick to my basic philosophy: Nothing is important!!!

Lets stop this waste of my energy by worrying about being liked. She can think about me whatever she wants. I'm going to be very careful, crystal clear and deadly sure of myself of what and why I am saying something to her. 

At present, my whole being is bent toward this change. Like many others I was under impression that  change comes by merely reading nice articles, a little subsequent reflection on what was read, to the point of acceptance, that automatically grants me the change. Well, that's so simple and it is a lie.

A clear and intellectual understanding of Who I Want To Be is essential but still, it is only a first step. I must notice the contradictions between of what I want to be and my daily self.

Only when I see myself in right manner, the final and the most significant step towards attitude change is the actual daily behavior. Thoughts-words-action is the order of things.

Without thinking on anything, thoughts will come and go I should not attach importance to them, I should remain quiet. I have to learn to act with a sense of self. Never talk or do anything without this sense of Presence of my Self.

The core of my change is being in the state which is prior to the sprouting of words!