Living Together?

This article is in ENTERTAINMENT category because it is nothing more but that. 😀

The more I look at things I cannot get rid of the feeling that the relationship with my girlfriend is quite weird. We are 10,000 km apart from each other and yet I feel like she is besides me. That is a feeling  of real love.

Love should bring happiness but it strikes me, it is not so. Very, very strange, indeed. 

My life's goal is to reach enlightenment, precisely, to know who am I. I'm describing on these pages the struggle to answer this question and to become self-realized. 

But instead that, I have noticed, since December last year, as the days are passing, I tend to go more and more sad. The sadness became my general mood.

I'm longing for her

What should I do?

It is a simple question yet, I struggle to find answer. Sure, there are lucky people who seem to be so busy enough that they think they know exactly what they want to do in life.

It seems to me I am always on the beginning. I went through so many beginnings in my life. 

On July 30, 1984, after the farewell to army party, I sat with my mom on the bench and I told her, Mom I am going to the army service and after that I will never return back here to my birth place. At that moment we both cried because we both felt that was true.

I got out from the army service in 1985 and I started Mechanical Engineering studies. It was a new beginning, a new life for me in Belgrade, where I have never been before. 

I completed studies in 1992 and with my ex wife I went to Sweden. New beginning again. In Sweden we got papers for immigration to Canada.

New beginnings continued - marriage, parenthood, arrival in Canada.

In Canada I started as a dishwasher in various restaurants, salad maker, breakfast chief etc.. and finished as a computer consultant having my own company. 

Then I got divorced in 2013, yet another new beginning, a completely new way of life where I was interested in sex and nothing else.

My twin sister died in May 2020 and what I have lived until than was finished. I decided to live as a single guy, I stopped looking for the significant one.

But then it happened, after so many failed relationships I finally found a woman with whom I would like to spend the rest of my life. But "living together" with her is not possible, not in this moment as she said. 

I know there will always be just that... THIS MOMENT and that makes me so sad.


I love you

When I returned from work around 5 pm, I spoke with my girlfriend for one and half hour. It was an honest conversation, like always, but she was sorrowful and after the phone call I got very disturbed.

She is going to Malta, tomorrow (or when you read this today).She is beginning to live there and she told me that her landlord will pick her up from the airport. She also told me that she said this to her best friend who seriously asked her how guy looks, is she worth something, making some stupid insinuations.

When I heard that I got angry, so disappointed in her best friend who knows that we are in relationship. To make such remarks is so disrespectful towards both, my girlfriend and to me. 

Now, my mind got the stuff to worry about... Why did she tell her that? Does she knows more about her than I?  What if she is right? etc... etc.. and other ridiculous thoughts that come deep from my own insecurity. This is a classic example of jealousy. I stopped that.

But...

There is no living together
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace till the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle! Life is but a shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.  - Shakespeare, MacBeth

By living this life, every single day I'm faced with a million little things that encourage me to take all this seriously. On the top of that, I'm self-centered, so many things bother me. I am free to say that my life is nothing but one frustration after another.

When I say that I'm taking the life too seriously, I mean that I'm turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worrying about a bunch of things that simply do not matter. 

Fuck all this! I will stop all consideration about words, it's all nothing. The relationship with my girlfriend will last exactly as it should. I love her, I want to support her, at present moment her life is not easy. I am not concern about "living together" any more. 


Wonderful woman

In my investigation I have concluded that I'm living with a wrong sense of myself, I'm living with a false identity. Basically I'm fake, my world, aspirations and desires, my country, job,  interests, striving, hopes and everything else...

I have clearly seen that I got this life just for the one simple reason - to see through this pile of shit, to see falseness of everything. 

Instead I do opposite, I make my relationship serious by setting some goals of "living together". As my girlfriend asked me today, Have I made any plan to live together with any other girlfriend that I was with?

Unfortunately, I've made mistake insisting on this. I don't blame myself, I live the life where goals, timelines, and deadlines are normal thing. That setting and achieving is the only way to lead a fulfilling life, and thus the only way for me to be truly happy in current relationship is to have the living together date. But I said now... fuck that!!!