Home Sweet Home

I am back to Toronto. The trip from Malta was nice and everything was on schedule. I slept on the flight from Malta to London and from London to Toronto I watched movies and documentaries. 

I already unpacked suitcase, I'm washing my clothes, the machine is working... things are going into normal state.

What I've noticed my friends is that by growing up, the courage diminishes. I was brave when I was young. And now I am fighting not to be a timid old age man. I am living an interesting life and I'm wondering how many of you travel like I do?

In my 20s and 30s I was unstoppable. In less than 2 weeks after graduation of my Mechanical Engineering Studies, with my girlfriend, later my wife, I went to Sweden, looking for better life. In Sweden we got papers for Canada and with 8 months old daughter, we came to Canada. 

We had $5000 of borrowed money, not much, but I was brave enough to start something new. I had courage to change things...

Now, I'm a divorced man with a good job and decent salary, I have a great girlfriend but she lives very far from me. I'm living in a nice place, practicing yoga and meditation, having bunch of good friends... but I'm far from being satisfied. I'm thinking that I'm not living fully as I would like. 

In Canada I have a daughter and she visits me once in a blue moon. So really, if I see things realistically, I am free to go anywhere I want. I can quit my job and sell the condo and I'll have enough money to live couple years until I find something new. I can move to Florida, my old dream, be on the beach and never again have need for a heavy winter jacket.

But recently I realized that I have no courage to do drastic changes of my life. 

In Malta I have understood that my girlfriend considers her job much higher than our relationship, her real home is Belgrade... and that's fine. I must adjust my attitude accordingly.

I am going to collect all my strength and fight against old age. Slowly, year after year, I have seen the tendency where I find it difficult to take bold action in relevance to making my own path. 

This realization has propelled me to sit and ponder the reasons why I'm losing my courage with time being fearful of what-ifs

I have built up the boundaries of this daily routines as my current way of life. When I was younger, I had room to make mistakes, and that was gone now.

You see, it is not 57 that makes me an old man, it is this creeping cowardice that makes me old. 

For some reason through years, I wanted to keep making something for others, mainly for my daughter, and most recently for my girlfriend, but I should stop that. 

All I want now is to experience something different than this lame, boring life. What stops me is the lack of courage to make the leap, to defy the norms and venture into the unknown. 

I'm holding an image of me, of behavior that I should conform to. But that image is not real, it is a projection of my pussy-mind.