The Honeymoon Is Over

I know that dwelling on the past or constantly worrying about the future prevents me from fully experiencing my existence but sometimes I have to do it. 

I wanted to be alone

In August 2010, after 17 years of marriage, I left my wife and daughter. My marriage was breaking apart for quite some time, I had my own room we did not sleep together. I was dreaming to be alone, to have my own apartment and my freedom to do what I like. I told to my ex I need to go and lead my own life. 

I moved out in September, Sherbourne street, downtown Toronto. I bought new furniture and I started living on my own. And guess what? The regrets, enormous feeling of guilt and sadness overwhelm me the very same day I stepped in the new apartment. I could not sleep, something was not quite right. I did not find freedom, I was scared and utterly alone. Simply I was not ready to break apart from the marriage. After 5 days I asked my ex wife to return back. She agreed and with all my furniture I went back to our old place.

I came back but our relationship has never was as before. My inner balance was disturbed and I was in great stress. We sold the condo in the same month and moved out to the new place where we stayed 3 years together and then, on her wish, we separated again, this time forever. After 20 ears of marriage we divorced.

Finally, the freedom, I thought

There are two quite different approaches towards life. The first one is that all happened by accident and there is no meaning in anything. The second one is that nothing happens by chance, every single event and person you meet serves some greater purpose.

The former is not so interesting, it does not give you any room for speculation and belief. All is random without meaning. The latest leads you to believe that you need people to make changes in your life. You need other people to uplift you and teach you life lessons.

Ironically, you are not meant to know the purpose of every person you meet in this life, but you are meant to remain open to whatever each encounter reveals. After separation I was like a mad dog just taken from the leash. I was in so many relationship but I was interested just in sex. 

Then I had two longer relationships and that's it... after that the lockdown covid hysteria... and since 2022 I found myself in a long distance relationship with my current girlfriend.

What makes you attracted to another remains a mystery. While there is something of a science to the romantic and sexual partners you choose, at the end of the day, romantic relationship is opposite of spirituality. Unfortunately, the attraction towards another person takes you away from yourself. 

I have given myself a new task

How is my sense of presence (my I AM sense) the same as the world? 

I feel separate from the world but all spiritual teachings point to the fact that there is no separation. Lets not take that for granted but find out is it true. My sense of presence and the world are the same thing! I want to to discover the miracle. How is this possible? I want to find out.

I remember December 2009, I was having a toothache, I took a painkiller. I was tense, concentrated on the pain but then I relaxed. I tried to meditate and hold on to I AM sense. After awhile I was completely without thoughts, and just for a brief moment, I saw without eyes a blue universe with bright planets, and That was the sense of presence.

Now, the task is to discover how That is the world, the manifestation.

It is a tough and difficult task, an abstract one. To resolve it I have to be alone. Being alone is not the absence of company but it is an entrance to freedom.

You may question my choice to walk this path and to lead a different kind of life from the majority but remember it is the only thing worth acquiring in life. Knowledge of yourself! In solitude you find yourself.