A Quiet Life of Self-Discovery

I live a quiet life. On most days, I usually go to sleep early, around 8 or 9 pm, sometimes even 7 pm. I read for some time, maybe half to one hour and then I fell asleep. Having no TV I don't watch movies, not even on the internet, I don't follow any sport and I read only news headlines. Most of the time I listen to music and watch interesting documentaries on YouTube.

During day, from 8 or 9 am I am at work until 4 or 5 pm. I like my job and I'm so glad when I do new things but most of the time it is just regular daily work I pay no or very little attention to. After work I do yoga practice or go to gym (if my arm does not hurt me). Yoga practice used to be done before work but it was so long ago. Now I do it mostly after work.

I wake up after midnight and I am up and running all night going to sleep again in the early morning. This is my routine after covid lockdown madness. I kept this crazy way of life because I like it.

I can freely say, I am not interested in this world.

For the last 13 or so years I read only my own writing I made from the last six Nisargadatta Maharaj's books. They are transcripts from his conversation with spiritual seekers in his last days. It is his teaching before he died, very different from I am That book. These conversations are recorded and written by two different authors so I have view from two different perspectives.

From those six books I have removed unnecessary things and concentrated Nisargadatta's teaching in 70 handwritten pages. It is a difficult, never boring read that keeps reminding me for the most important thing in life. 

When I have no distractions from outside, from my personality or from other people, this is how my days are passing. And... I am happy with a strange peace surrounding me producing bright light reflected clearly as a shine in my eyes.

I know I have not arrived at the end of my journey, I'm not self-realized yet because I still have this shitty personality following me everywhere I go. My personality makes me restless to do things unnecessarily, sometimes even things that I don't want to do. 

My false personality creates boredom making me so ridiculous. All my problems are created by myself and my stupid urge to say things. It looks like there are several different persona that made up my false self. The each one has it's own opinion and desires. 

It appears to others that I often change my mind and I don't do things I say I will do. That is true, it is because the promise I made was done by my false personality in the moment when I was willing to promise anything just to gain respect, like or love from others. I have seen that so many times, I'm unable to change it; I'm so tired of this behavior.

I go out to meet my friends being so excited just to find out later that old stories has been repeated all over again and that again these 3 or 4 beers will make me hard to get up in the morning. I try to laugh and make jokes but I end up disappointed, over and over again.

I promise things to my girlfriend and she, being so strict and non flexible, takes it for granted. So when I change my mind I disappoint her. That makes me unstable and fickle in her eyes. In such moment she reminds me that I am childish. What can I say, she is right, it is the very thing I want to get rid of in myself.

So this is where I am. 

I am able to see it but I have no clue how to stop this kind of behavior. It's look like impossible. Events go, I say stupid things regardless of my intention not to, regardless of my rejection or approval, words just flow out of my mouth.

My friends, if you think you are different than me, you are wrong. Each one of you has many persona inside with so many opposite interests. You take yourself to be reasonable and one and the same at all times but that is not the case. Only real difference between us is that I see my shortcomings but you don't. I'm upset because of this and I admit you have an advantage over me. Maybe indeed... the ignorance is bliss.