I am still too naive!!!

Yesterday, I watched on YouTube an interesting video about remote viewing of the meaning of Moksha (liberation). In that video four remote viewers gave reports seeing our planet on a spiritual level. They all reported the prison-like circumstances of life here, souls imprisonment, reincarnation and repetition of slavery.

I was very much disturbed by watching it because I feel it, it is true - we are living in a prison planet. I want to cut through this reincarnation scam and break free. For that I must solve my life's challenges.

By being married, for the second time, shows that I am still too naive

Since I got married in January last year, my life seems to flow by its own without my slightest influence.

By being married for the second time, it's looks like I lost what I gained in the last 11 years. I didn’t listen my inner guidance and not trusting my gut I ended up atop of this pile of wrong perceptions.

I must wake up, understand my current situation and act.

You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book... or you take a trip... and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness.

The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death.

Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.

~ The Diary of Anaïs Nin

Unfortunately, some people never fully wake up! I am afraid it is my case too. I wonder, after 23 years of spiritual search what did I expect? Expectations are based on wishful thinking.

I started living with my wife in August last year. I’ve slipped into this new way of life, laid out for me with or without my wish, the way a foot slips into a shoe. I clearly decide nothing; there is no conscious choice. I live this life, paying small and large bills.

I don’t know any better, and I don’t know why I don’t know any better

I love my wife fully knowing that she is a woman who does not share the same spiritual values as me.

I value introspection and peace. I try to cultivate calmness and humility.

My wife, on the other hand, is oblivious to spirituality and meditation. She lives in a cocoon of a loud, strong and opiniated personality, caring deeply about what others think and say about her.

Since August, I was failing deeper and deeper into the darkness of ignorance. I’ve started watching TV every night, which I consider a huge step back in my life.

If an unexamined life, as Socrates said, is not worth living, then this married, stagnated, work-home-work, repetitive life is not worth living at all. Most people’s lives are like this, and that should be some encouragement, a bit of good news for me. 😕

Right now, just like everyone else, I was waiting...

We waited and waited. All of us. Didn't the shrink know that waiting was one of the things that drove people crazy?

People waited all their lives. They waited to live, they waited to die. They waited in line to buy toilet paper. They waited in line for money. And if they didn't have any money they waited in longer lines.

You waited to go to sleep and then you waited to awaken. You waited to get married and you waited to get divorced. You waited for it to rain, you waited for it to stop. You waited to eat and then you waited to eat again.

You waited in a shrink's office with a bunch of psychos and you wondered if you were one.

~ Charles Bukowski

The time has come to start living this married life with a new attitude, a new way of life.

It is not about my complete control and superiority over my life - not so much control over events and circumstances I find myself in, but superiority in my responses to those circumstances.

My thoughts and feelings are external to me, and I must put in the effort to manage them properly.

There is no "how" here. I simply keep in mind the feeling of "I am," merging into it until my mind and feelings become one. Through repeated attempts, I will stumble upon the right balance of attention and affection.

I am returning to a regular yoga practice and daily meditation practice and spiritual reading before sleep.

I'm dedicating the rest of my life to self-discovery

I am a simple man, a humble computer programmer with a formal education. My life has been ordinary, filled with common desires and fears. Yet, through faith in myself, I’ve found the reason for my existence.

I want my personality to fade away by holding firmly the "I am" sense, staying attentive to a state behind the words.

You may say this isn’t normal behavior but what is normal? Is your ignorant life normal?

You, just like my wife, are obsessed with fears, impatient and loud, filled with strife and struggle, living lives looking what others think about you. Is that normal?

To be torn by feelings and tortured by thoughts - is that normal?

I don't think so.