I have concluded that writing a blog to help others reach self-realization is a useless task. It is stupidity, actually. All those blogs, YouTube videos, articles, self-help books, all those "enlightenment" fellows and their preaching are nothing more than entertainment.
And what is entertainment? Killing time!
People are so bored in their empty lives that different kinds of entertainment are necessary. This can be traveling, watching a soccer game, listening to music, songs, books, Netflix series, a couple of seasons the longer, the better or studying, or just listening to podcasts, or just scrolling Instagram reels... so yeah, the search for enlightenment is entertainment too.
Nothing will come from entertainment.
We can hear some new information, think about it, decide if it is true or not, try to verify it, and finally act on it. But we do not do such things.
I have too much information, too much spiritual knowledge, mostly unnecessary and not useful for anything. Instead of teaching it, writing about it, telling people what to do and what to think, I am going to stop that bullshit, here and now.
I am 60 years old, and for the rest of my life, I am going to concentrate on myself and myself only. Total and complete selfishness! I don't need to help anyone anymore. I have no duties in this world anymore. My daughter is okay; she has her own family now. My wife is protected and safe. My father is on his own, and he's doing perfectly fine.
The time has come to consider myself already dead. My desire to be something in this world, to accomplish anything, has died. To be honest, I have almost no desire for anything. I pretend; I wish to visit Porto; I want to go on a trip to see my family and friends in Serbia. The fact is, all that is irrelevant to me.
It is not depression; it is a feeling that comes when boredom has gone. The bottomless boredom of daily life is a main engine, so-called the thirst for life. And I don't have this anymore. I can sit behind the computer, browse YouTube videos not actually watching anything or read news headlines without reading the articles. Most of the time, I am not thinking anything, and I am not bored at all.
I used to like YouTube, and I watched videos before, but in the last year, I just scroll the computer mouse over it, superficially observing the content. Most of the videos on YouTube are Psy-Ops that try to instill certain opinions in the masses. I looked at the sources, the authors of the channels, most of them arrived in the last 5 months.
The biggest change in myself happened in my relation to friends. I have lost all interest in meeting them and having chit-chat. You know, in a bar or restaurant. I noticed when I do go there with my friends, I drink too much because I don't talk at all. While they talk and talk, I drink, so I have started to avoid meeting them.
At work, I do my job as a real professional; I complete my tasks fully and responsibly. I help others in their work, but I am not emotionally pulled toward my job or tasks. When 5 PM comes, I turn off my computer and forget all about it.
There is something that bothers me. In meditation, when I feel awareness flowing like golden honey, I feel fear. Something in me fears discovering new things. I have to overcome this fear and move on beyond. Is it a feeling that my personality is dying? Or is it something else? I don't know. It comes with shortness of breath that spreads through my heart, causing it to shrink. It is definitely a physical, unpleasant sensation.
In October, I have to increase physical activities. I have been repeating this for the last 3 years. Walking longer walks, doing yoga regularly, going to the gym. After 60, it is so important to keep muscles active and engaged as much as possible. I am old, and I feel it. Let's try to fix this tiredness and laziness one last time. I don't believe there will be another opportunity; in my 70s, I can't do much.
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