We returned to Toronto yesterday afternoon. My wife and I were totally exhausted from the long flight. We went to bed before 10 pm, I woke up now. It is 3 am, I checked our expenses thinking is it all this worth at all.
Porto is a nice city, don't get me wrong, but it is too hilly and too many tourists, too many people mindlessly walking up and down those cobblestone streets in all directions. I found myself to be the one of them and I did not like it.
Right there, in the middle of the crowd, on the streets of Porto, I decided to end all my future trips planed for this year. I will not go to Serbia in December. I will postpone the trip for next year when direct flight Toronto - Belgrade starts operating.
My wife is so disappointed with my decision but I am not going to change my mind. Really, there is no reason to visit Serbia. I have nothing there. I hate traveling, airports, waiting lines, and overcrowded destinations. I have lost touch with my old friends in Serbia, I am not in close contact with my family over there.
Besides, Porto was an expensive trip. Food and restaurants prices are a bit cheaper than in Toronto but weak Canadian dollar made everything more costly. My estimate for Belgrade is even higher, I don't want to get into debt due to Belgrade trip.
I am going to return to my way of simple life. Meditation, yoga, walk outside, reading before sleep and generally just be quiet and alone. I'm going to think of things that matter. The world is unreal.
But when it is certified as unreal? Only, when you grab and hold your "I Am" sense, when your attention moves into the sense of presence.
The play is happening, we are not playing any part here. People believe they are playing a part in this world but a player is simply imagination and such belief is ignorance.
There is nothing going on deliberately in this world. Do you think Trump made a peace in Gaza? Think again. All happening in the world is spontaneous. No one can claim anything in this process.
When you stabilize your attention in the sense of presence and stay there, you will come to conclusion that "something" is feeling the presence so you are not the presence, this presence is also an illusion. "I am" sense is the first and the last ignorance.
I will also cut socializing. I become tired of people. For the rest of the year, I will not make parties at home or go to restaurants meeting my friends. What I am is found in solitude, in the presence of others I can only understand false things but not the truth. Solitude leads to truth... that's it.
The spiritual practice, meditation, is observation of self sense. Looking and wondering with the curiosity of a small child - what is it? Just being still and watching.
All worldly pursuits are based on the individual identification. You as an individual want to travel, have this or that, and you want freedom, but you remain as an individual and that itself is prison and bondage.
Keep quiet, and observe. When you recognize that travels are bullshit, you are knowledgeable and you don't say anything about life and the world.
The nearer you get to the truth the more you lose interest in the world. You just act as an ordinary person who loves ordinary things, a simple, boring life.
The sum and substance of awakening is nothing but to come to decision, make a judgment, about yourself and the world, what the world is and what you are.
You must not be interested in dead things as historical cites, churches, streets... Do not worry about the world. Get back into yourself, start with the sense of presence, from your "I am" sense comes everything. Find out what it is and find out who you are.
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