I was born to parents I did not choose (and who did not choose "me") and
received social programming I had no capacity to reject. I had no choice
when or where I was born, nor in the culture or society through which I collected beliefs that I 'think' now define me, based on the customs,
traditions and values.
Within my early childhood, from birth to 5yrs, I had no choice in what
experiences impacted and shaped my brain. Yet, those experiences and
responses define me continually, even now. As a result, every choice I have
made up to this day, came from a mind shaped completely outside my free-will.
From the birth to 5 I had no free will, I was redirected through positive
and negative reinforcement (punishment and reward schedule) to conform to
specific behavior.
Therefore, every action I engage in, and have ever engaged in, is completely
spontaneous. Not a single action belongs to “me,” but belongs to a force of
causation I have yet to understand. Probably I'll never understood it. The
understanding is also beyond my control.
Spontaneous thoughts lead to spontaneous actions and not one thought have I ever willed to think as I did.
The thoughts that arise in my head are not "me," no matter how strenuously I insist on identifying with them. It is a shame that I find a comfort in the 'story' of what I think I am.
Next time I think I have involved my-'self' over some situation, person
or event, I must recognize that this is exactly what I should be doing, and how I should be, in the very moment it is being done. In addition, if that
involvement causes me to do something different, I'll allow that to be done as
well.
Spontaneous living is happening. But egocentric as I am, I am reluctant
to accept what I do not want, thinking it should not be as it is. Yet,
spontaneity does not look at my decisions, what is “good” or “bad," but
merely happens outside me who struggle to impose and make it otherwise.
I may not like how my life is now but, make no mistake, it is exactly as
it supposed to be and could not be any different and will never be any
different than it is in this very moment...and then the next.
I never really seem to get what I want exactly the way I want it.
Things never seem to happen exactly as planned.
Nevertheless, what I now want, what I now desire for my life, was
formulated in childhood based on conditions outside my control, remember?
Suffering is a product of rejection in the attempt to thwart the flow of life;
to make it go in some other direction, as willed by me who really has no idea
of what it is.
I cannot remove myself from the universe that allowed me to be in the
universe. But the universe can and will remove me, no matter how hard I protest it should be otherwise.
It has been directing my course since the moment of conception, because it
allows for life to be experienced by me exactly as I now experience it.
Because “me” have never been separate from the universe, what I experience,
it experiences, what it experiences, I experience.
Unfortunately, this tends to negate that "me" even exist at all.
Do you think you are different? Well, think along these lines long enough to eventually experience something
different than pure egocentric existence.
And then stop thinking and just be.
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