My life after divorce

Quiet, Monday morning in Toronto. 5 am, I just woke up and I am drinking a coffee looking at old photos. I'm still tired from last night drinking with my friends in Dark Horse.

This morning like many other mornings I had a dream about my ex wife. She still comes to me in dreams but this is reality, and here is the second part of our 9 year divorce anniversary.

Divorce is splashing the cold water on your face while you're sleeping, it is a rude awakening. It is a shock when you discover the truth about your situation. And it happened to me in the late afternoon on June 30, 2013.

I agreed with my wife's wish to divorce. I left our home in two weeks and I started completely new life. I always wanted to live at High Park area so I searched for the apartment there and luckily it was available. I took apartment on 23rd floor, I remember 2310.. I liked it.

So I did it. I broke up with the old... and moved the fuck on. I was happy, optimistic and full of energy. I was happy for small things. I didn't have a big dreams to became something, to advance in career, to have expensive car or to change my way of living. I was satisfied with what I have.

And, I did not have much not even a cell phone. I had home phone, stationary one, but not a cell. When I went first time for a beer night and when I met my friends at MK they were shocked to see that I have no cell phone. So on their advise I got a new HTC One phone next day. And that how it started...

The first beer night with my friends - September 22, 2013

I was unprepared, slightly stunned but I began to live different life. I got surprised by divorce and started trying to accustom myself to be alone. In our consumer society I find that the ultimate goal in life is to pair up with another human being and cling to the "coupling" ideal as if your life depends on it.

For a long time in my married life, I felt like I was waiting for something. Things were uncertain. In my beginnings after divorce, some days were very difficult, sometimes I struggled immensely through being alone, but I made it through.

I had emerged from 22 years of being together with my ex, still wild at heart, I was ready for that last minute trip, I was ready to be spontaneous, for the random exciting hour or day and I was ready to be completely alone. I had introduced the rules in my life and living by the rules has given me freedom. The rules though, are my own values, my own truths.

I have been leading my life after divorce very consciously, practicing detachment and having in mind the impermanence of everything. It is a big shit, I mean, detachment and impermanence.

I moved away from the wreckage of divorce. In October 2013 I met my first serious girlfriend. Our relationship was full of breakups and re-connections but it is true, she gave me space and a lot of time to deeply reflect on my inner personal challenges, and address them one by one. In between our breakups I had many women that I did not care about.

In December 2013 I went with my girlfriend for my first vacation after divorce, St. Marten, Christmas time and it was very nice. After that we went 4 times to Mexico, Mayan Riviera, Los Cabos, Cancun... We were going twice a year for a vacations and every time we had a blast.

When I was married, I've enjoyed spiritual books. But after divorce, I slowed down on reading them. They simply stopped to motivate me the way they once had.

What’s more, since my divorce, I have begun to believe that spiritual ideas and practices are a big joke and after 12 years of reading spiritual books and doing daily meditation I have concluded - it is all bullshit, it comes to nothing.

So I started blogging writing about stupidity of New Age spirituality. But nobody wanted to read about that. So slowly I changed the format and I started writing about yoga and daily life. The personal posts have the largest number of views. Last year I introduced dating series and it was a big success too.

Anyway, through the pages of my posts you can see that I always want to change myself. This is a good thing, it shows I am not so old in my heart. I have stopped searching for Truth.

I put all my efforts toward myself in the most selfish way. There is no Truth to be found. We are here for a short period of time in order to have fun. Life has no meaning unless you want to fool yourself.

I have concluded this in December 2014, while I was sitting besides my mother in hospital. She was dying from liver cancer. She was sleeping in a bed unconscious, I was beside her and I was thinking about her life... how beautiful and strong she was... and how her life passed so quickly.

I realized, back then, that life is given to us in order to have fun. Life is not serious. And to have fun I have to be and feel healthy and nice looking for my age; I want to be the handsome one.

What should I do with my life?

This is a simple question but I struggle to answer. Sure, there are lucky people who seem to be so busy that they think they know exactly what they want to do. I know, I went through various struggles in my life. I traveled a lot, played basketball, went to big city for a new beginning, did my studies, married, start working, became a parent, emigrated to Canada, again new beginning, worked various jobs, bought a condo, paid the mortgage, got divorced, again new beginning...

You have your own struggles, no doubt about it. You have probably tried a few different careers already but haven't found one that you truly like. And now you're asking the same question - what to do next.

I went to yoga studio for entire 2013 and 2014

You see my reader, I live in state of constant contradiction; sporadic happiness mixed with frustration. The most important things for me are: yoga, sex and work.

At this age, the sex is sill a big deal of my life. I like it, I like the smell of woman's body, I like woman's lips, kissing, caressing, hugging, a romantic dinner, a waiting before and a laughter after. Sex is the ultimate escape. It is a way of complete self-forgetfulness. For the time being, at least for the moment, I can forget myself.

Sometimes, I start dreaming of a better life where I am not so lazy and where I can do everything what I've planned to do.... And then I remember, life is just a game.

That's what my heart wants... to dance and laugh

Well, life goes on... 😆