Quiet, Monday morning in Toronto. 5 am, I just woke up and I am drinking a coffee looking at old photos. I'm still tired from last night drinking with my friends in Dark Horse.
This morning like many other mornings I had a dream about my ex wife. She still comes to me in dreams but this is reality, and here is the second part of our 9 year divorce anniversary.
Divorce is splashing the cold water on your face while you're sleeping, it is a rude awakening. It is a shock when you discover the truth about your situation. And it happened to me in the late afternoon on June 30, 2013.I agreed with my wife's wish to divorce. I left our home in two weeks and I started completely new life. I always wanted to live at High Park area so I searched for the apartment there and luckily it was available. I took apartment on 23rd floor, I remember 2310.. I liked it.
So I did it. I broke up with the old... and moved the fuck on. I was happy,
optimistic and full of energy. I was happy for small things. I didn't have a
big dreams to became something, to advance in career, to have expensive car or
to change my way of living. I was satisfied with what I have.
And,
I did not have much not even a cell phone. I had home phone, stationary one,
but not a cell. When I went first time for a beer night and when I met my
friends at MK they were shocked to see that I have no cell phone. So on their
advise I got a new HTC One phone next day. And that how it started...
For a long time in my married life, I felt like I was waiting for something. Things were uncertain. In my beginnings after divorce, some days were very difficult, sometimes I struggled immensely through being alone, but I made it through.
I had emerged from 22 years of being together with my ex, still wild at heart, I was ready for that last minute trip, I was ready to be spontaneous, for the random exciting hour or day and I was ready to be completely alone. I had introduced the rules in my life and living by the rules has given me freedom. The rules though, are my own values, my own truths.
I have been leading my life after divorce very consciously, practicing detachment and having in mind the impermanence of everything. It is a big shit, I mean, detachment and impermanence.
I moved away from the wreckage of divorce. In October 2013 I met my first
serious girlfriend. Our relationship was full of breakups and re-connections
but it is true, she gave me space and a lot of time to deeply reflect on my
inner personal challenges, and address them one by one. In between our
breakups I had many women that I did not care about.
In December
2013 I went with my girlfriend for my first vacation after divorce, St.
Marten, Christmas time and it was very nice. After that we went 4 times to
Mexico, Mayan Riviera, Los Cabos, Cancun... We were going twice a year for a
vacations and every time we had a blast.
When I was married, I've enjoyed spiritual books. But after divorce, I slowed
down on reading them. They simply stopped to motivate me the way they once
had.
What’s more, since my divorce, I have begun to believe that
spiritual ideas and practices are a big joke and after 12 years of reading
spiritual books and doing daily meditation I have concluded - it is all
bullshit, it comes to nothing.
So I started blogging writing about
stupidity of New Age spirituality. But nobody wanted to read about that. So
slowly I changed the format and I started writing about yoga and daily life.
The personal posts have the largest number of views. Last year I introduced
dating series and it was a big success too.
Anyway, through the
pages of my posts you can see that I always want to change myself. This is a
good thing, it shows I am not so old in my heart. I have stopped searching for
Truth.
I put all my efforts toward myself in the most selfish way.
There is no Truth to be found. We are here for a short period of time in order
to have fun. Life has no meaning unless you want to fool yourself.
I have concluded this in December 2014, while I was sitting
besides my mother in hospital. She was dying from liver cancer. She was
sleeping in a bed unconscious, I was beside her and I was thinking about her
life... how beautiful and strong she was... and how her life passed so
quickly.
I realized, back then, that life is given to us in order
to have fun. Life is not serious. And to have fun I have to be and feel
healthy and nice looking for my age; I want to be the handsome one.
This is a simple question but I struggle to answer. Sure, there are lucky people who seem to be so busy that they think they know exactly what they want to do. I know, I went through various struggles in my life. I traveled a lot, played basketball, went to big city for a new beginning, did my studies, married, start working, became a parent, emigrated to Canada, again new beginning, worked various jobs, bought a condo, paid the mortgage, got divorced, again new beginning...
You have your own struggles, no doubt about it. You have probably tried a few different careers already but haven't found one that you truly like. And now you're asking the same question - what to do next.
You see my reader, I live in state of constant contradiction; sporadic
happiness mixed with frustration. The most important things for me are: yoga,
sex and work.
At this age, the sex is sill a big deal of my life.
I like it, I like the smell of woman's body, I like woman's lips, kissing,
caressing, hugging, a romantic dinner, a waiting before and a laughter after.
Sex is the ultimate escape. It is a way of complete self-forgetfulness. For
the time being, at least for the moment, I can forget myself.
Sometimes, I start dreaming of a better life where I am not so
lazy and where I can do everything what I've planned to do.... And then I
remember, life is just a game.
Well, life goes on... 😆
