In less than 30 minutes, I am going to step on my yoga mat to do 100th yogas practice in this year. Being 56 I am really proud of this small accomplishment although I am 11 practices behind my schedule. My goal is to have 183 practices in 2021 and that means yoga every second day. Slowly, I am getting there.

Recently, some things have been crystallized in my understanding about life. I have concluded that online dating is finished for me, and maybe all dating as well. I am not expecting to have a girlfriend anymore. If I can get, here and there, some casual sex it will be fine, but to have relationship with someone, that is finished.

If I want to step closer to my life's goal, obtaining self-realization, I need to be more serious about my wises. I think drinking on the first place. My drinking is closely related to going out with my friends. And as a consequence I am spending money unnecessarily.

I can drink at home 2 to 3 beers and it will be fine, it costs how much, 9$, or I can go out to spend $30 for the same thing. It is up to me.

Last month I have concluded that I am weak, lazy and fat, now I can add I am stupid as well. I have to follow simple schedule but I find a lot of excuses not to do so.


My friend, besides all amazing knowledge I have about spirituality and precious life wisdom that everything is fake, I still, just like you, have moments of despair leading me to stupid activities. In this post I will try to explain in plain language, without any excuses for my behavior, why something like that happens.

Looking from the highest level, you and I are absolute nothing. That's our the highest Self. The first thing that you experience in the morning is just a touch of "I am" sense and you slowly became aware of waking world. You are aware of yourself and the world at the same moment.

Then you get up and mind is flooded with the thoughts. The stream of thoughts strengthen your "I am" sense, you become a solid thing and your personality starts functioning. Because you are identified with your physical body and feelings, you cannot handle "I am" sense, you must move and do various activities.

In consciousness everything moves and it repeats.

Your consciousness has 3 types of qualities: 1. pure "I am" sense, 2. intense urge for activities, please note that laziness and sluggishness are also activities in consciousness and 3. claiming doership, although all activities are done spontaneously, and not in accordance with your wishes, you claim doership and you have notion that you have done everything.

Why is drinking so bad? It is because it increases the "claiming of doership" and apathy. After being drunk, next couple of days, you accept everything as being done by you so it increases guilt, remorse and sometimes you feel exaggerated sense of being proud. In any case, your pure "I am" sense is nowhere to be found.

In consciousness the activities will never stop. They have to go on and on until death. That is how your absolute nothingness became aware of existence. Self-realization is to be aware of (to be) nothingness at the same time while you have physical body.

There is no path in self-realization, no rules how to be and behave. The spiritual teaching, I am following, is clear about it. I have to hold to the pure "I am" in all activities and get rid of identification with body-mind bundle. I have to take myself as "I am" only, as a sense of presence.

"I am" sense is a sense of presence, it is a consciousness, and it is not "your" sense it is like air you breathe. It is not your air it is air as such. Main problem is the notion that you have consciousness. It is not like that. Consciousness has all world, including your physical body. If you stay with "I am" sense you will see that clearly. And that is self-realization.

In next posts I will try to write more about this matters in my own words. I will do my best but you may not like it. So be it.