My time has come

You are you. A real person who certainly exists. I and the rest of us, are only images on your screen. Three dimensional constructs oppressed through imagination. You are the same for me... and alike we ride, pissing on each other, searching for the meaning.

Very early in 2002, I was pushed into spiritual seeking. In the beginning of my awakening, I felt like I didn’t belong to this world and its people. And I still, so clearly, have this feeling today. 

You feel life as a journey in time. You experience it as if you are traveling from one event to another event in time, with hopes, expectations and dreams. I may appear to do and feel the same like you but that is not quite true. I may make plans to travel, to go for a vacation, meet my friends, have dedication for yoga practice, finish work project, etc. etc. but what I actually feel inside myself is an endless peace. I'm satisfied with were I am and I know well who I am. For me the life is an entertainment.

On other hand you are running in a treadmill. You evaluate life through your gain... something is a profit, something is a loss for you, success or failure, pain or pleasure, call as you like. So, no matter what you try to do, you really never come to a place of your complete fulfillment. You don't see that you are on a treadmill. 

You may be reading my blog for a quite some time, thank you for that, but still you have no clue what "spiritual enlightenment" or "self-realization" or "awakening" really means. It remains a mystery for you so you don't read such posts. 

It's a funny thing, we are living in an age where everything is so available, nothing is hidden. But you have no idea about the true authentic spirituality, the science which explores the mechanics of your own suffering and the way out of it.

I started this blog back in 2012 hoping I can tell you something to reduce your confusion and get you more clarity on the path of self knowledge. 10 years after I have concluded that I miserably failed. I see now that you can not be taught about enlightenment, simply because your time has not come... yet.

I have had experience that there is a part of me which is so pure, a witness, stable like a diamond, unchanging that exist forever. This vision gives me enormous strength to face the world and its bullshit. It is a secret of my inner joy.

20 years on the path of self-realization and I feel I am not yet there. Still I did not dissolve my acquired self, this personality... so I continue to kill my personal limited self. On these pages, I don't hide anything, I'm exposing my personality full of lies and fears... I want to get rid of that. 

The world around you treats you in a certain way because you are a person projecting your knowledge of WHO YOU ARE. In fact, the society simply reacts to how you see yourself, the patterns of your reactions, speech makes your behavior. In turn, you really think that you are in the world and the most of the time that world does not treat you according to your wishes. From a perspective of Reality you look like as a complete lunatic. 

Don't get that to scares you. In 2010 I was crazy, totally (according to your standards). After that, many things permanently changed in me. I'm not afraid of the world anymore, it is my world. I'm less judgmental too, less argumentative, less problematic and less complaining than you. In fact, I have understood that my psychotic episode is actually a normal way of permanently releasing stress from my body. Those delusions and a periods of mild schizophrenia were the way of seeing other realities. 

I don't worry much. This is a good thing right? Not always. My lack of worry irritates the people around me. I am seen as an irresponsible, for my money spending especially. People think that I have become careless. And they bother me with a long monologue of useless advices.

My lack of fear is easily misinterpreted as lack of humility. My boss at work feels like I lack respect. I keep offending people who have strong egos, which can actually become a threat, some people may even try to use me, I simply don't care about anyone or anything... and that offends.

“I will never reach Ixtlan”; “Yet in my feelings... in my feelings sometimes I think I’m just one step from reaching it”; Only as a warrior can one survive the path of knowledge. Because the art of a warrior is to balance the terror of being a man with the wonder of being a man. ~ Journey To Ixtlan by Carlos Castaneda

My spiritual seeking slowly fading away, the person who was seeking is less and less. To conclude, spiritual enlightenment is a rebirth. You have to learn how to live with it all by yourself. It takes years to stabilize without personality... my time has come.