The monotonous gray, dreary, and almost lifeless skies finished today. Finally a sunny day! Since middle of December, Toronto has been with gray skies from morning until night, a grand total of 22 days without sun.
I've been feeling more depressed than usual, and I wasn't alone. Toronto had zero sunshine for the last three weeks, forcing me to stay at home, mostly working and sleeping, like in the unwilling lockdown (again). I would prefer cold, sunny days over mild, gray ones.
The quiet desperation? We live our life in an emotional state of hopelessness holding desperately to old habits and established routines.
Some of us live a spiritual life, we meditate, do yoga, read "I am That" and other classical literature. We are trying to be aware, to hold onto "I AM" sense, we observe ourselves, we believe in The Secret, we create our own reality. We look at the world through our own glasses.
The practices and directions are old, the same phrases everywhere, the same guides. It is pity.
I am breaking up with everyone. Spirituality itself is just another way of snoring, very effective one because it keeps you thinking that you're progressing somewhere.
The awakening is the greatest failure in the history of man. I am going to stop running after illusion, thinking that something good will come out of it and that I will be blessed. I am going my own way.
I really want to understand myself, my impulses and reactions, the whole process of my thinking, the hidden fears, the conscious as well as the unconscious. I want to know why I behave as I behave.
For years I practices Self-Observation practice and seeing myself from moment to moment in the mirror of relationship with other people. I've seen my life as a movie, from the position of third man, the observer, and what I saw was an ugly picture. I react according to my memories, according to my conditioning, according to my prejudices. Things are not as I imagine it.
Studying myself in my present state of sleep I've seen I am so routinely and so predictable, with a lack of any control of things happening around, I've found several wrong functions which are the result of my inner state — in particular, lying to myself and to other people, all the time.
My work on myself could be called the study of lying, because I lie more than anything else; and as a matter of fact, I cannot speak the truth. It is not so simple to speak the truth; I have to learn how to do it, and that takes a very long time and I'm not there yet.
When I say "lying" it does not mean intentional lying, telling false stories. No. It means that I collect the theories that people put forward on any given subject, without knowing anything about it. And then I behave like I know something. It's there where my lying begins. I don't know anything, yet I have theories about everything.
In this world everything has its beginning and its end. One day I will leave this world “forever”. That is only "forever" that counts.
My study of self-realization, the enlightenment, is the study of my lying mind. The graduation day is that moment of my last breath. Would I be able to let go of everything? Would I feel satisfaction from knowing that I have done everything possible to fulfill in this life? Well, I'm preparing myself for that.
At the moment of death I want to be wholly aware of myself and feel that I have done everything possible within my abilities to go beyond this mundane world. I'm living my life NOW so that I could say that day: “Today I can die and not be sorry about anything”.
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