The Show must go on!

What's next?

The marriage, an enjoyment mixed with anxiety and worries.

That's the life. I accept it for what it is. In a month I will be 59 years old. OMG so close to 60. I just cannot believe it. Where did all these days go? I was a young and stupid but now I am not young anymore.

It was something like this... Listen to parents. Go to school. Get a job. Toil through eight or nine hour days. Get married. Make kids. Get divorced. Go home to an empty house and eat leftovers while watching re-runs. Go to work. Go home. That's it.

And there they come with: "Follow your heart" and other, more or less equally bullshit, motivational quotes...

I don't give a damn for achieving anything

The society is full of reminders of the importance of the achieving. The self-motivational bullshit on social media, flying quotes, motivational speeches and songs... I'm bombarded by overexcited freaks prompting me to get my goals fulfilled.

In the last twenty years, I have been leading my life very consciously, practicing detachment and having in mind the impermanence of everything. It is a big shit, I mean, detachment and impermanence. And so what? What did I really gain?

The unexamined life, said Socrates, is not worth living. That is some serious shit. It almost offends. Who lives a conscious, examined life? Where are the people living examined lives? Lives worth living?

I did examination of my life and I saw it for what it is - a mere programmed life of ups and downs, chronic unhappiness, always dissatisfied, always pretending I am happy and successful, and all because I am so eager to please everyone around myself.

If I take Socrates to mean the stagnated, repetitive life is not worth living, then he is saying that 99.99% of people's lives are not worth the bother. And that should be a bit of encouragement a good news. If others are the same as me then it not so bad. Fuck it.

Like I don't see the truth: I work hard but getting nowhere

I slip into this life that is laid out for me the way a foot slip in the shoe. I decide nothing, I don't live my life by choice, but by default. I play the roles I am born to.

I don't know any better, and I don't know the reason why I don't know any better.

Somewhere on internet I saw the picture of kamikazes in the second world war. They all had helmets. Why would kamikaze wear helmet? God damn that is a good question.

With every passing day I am getting older. With every passing day I am closer and closer to death. Funny thing is that I also wear a heavy helmet.

Yup, fears. I fear everything and everyone.. just like you my friend.

Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Dictionary is a great tool. It says, fear is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined. This is so important, whether the threat is real or imagined, the mind does not make any difference.

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?

This is a strange situation. All my ideas, that I am born at a given place, at a given time, from my parents and now I am a yogi, living at, divorced from, father of, employed by, and so on, are just ideas not my sense of self, not what I am.

Those ideas are source of my fears.

Stronger I believe in those ideas, heavier the helmet on my head. Dictionary says idea is any conception existing in the mind as a result of mental understanding. So understanding is the key.

Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning,
I must be warmer now.
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

These days in Toronto subway there are posters "What does your freedom look like?". I have seen several posters: a girl on the horse on the beach, a mother with child running through green grass, a guy sitting in cross legged position on the top of a mountain.

Is this how freedom looks like? I don't think so.

Nice attempt of showing what is freedom but the pop culture is so superficial. The freedom is when I throw away the fears from my head. That's the freedom. Until then...

The Show must go on! Yeah,yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking...
But my smile, still, stays on!