Slowly but Surely I'm Changing

I'm getting married on January 11, next year. My wife will not come immediately to live with me but the life I lived so far is over. I'm not sad about it, on the contrary, I'm looking forward to the change.

In the last 25 years I have done everything possible to attain self-realization. I did self-observation and self-remembrance practice for two or three years, I practiced Zen meditation for many years, I've read all spiritual books worth reading. I studied philosophy, psychology and comparative religions: Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism and many other ism-s. I did and I still do daily yoga practice. I've done everything possible to attain enlightenment however one thing is left...

In 2013, the time around my divorce, I have stopped doing spiritual practices, I started living life as it comes. I needed time to reflect on everything and I just stopped the reading and practices. It was enough, I realized that the constant search will not bring me anything.

So from that time, from December 2012, I started writing blog, reflecting on my life as it is. I use to say I live twice, once in real time and second time here on these pages, as in retrospection. By writing blog, I was became aware of my mistakes, my repetitions, laziness and especially lying.

I realized although I've given everything possible to Self-Realization I kept my heart closed. In path of awakening it is so important to open yourself, to became an open book and that involves the feelings and emotions. Now it is a time to change that!

I'm going to be a good husband to my wife. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I love her and she loves me and that's enough.

Maybe this sounds like a gibberish to you and you may laugh but I don't really care what do you think. I have other things to worry about, like my jealousy, possessiveness, impatience and short temper. Those are things I want to change in myself. I want to be free to love her.

True, I love my daughter, my father, niece but that is a different kind of love. 

I thought I loved my ex wife but actually that was not the case. I did not love her for what she was but I loved an imaginary picture of her. So we were strangers in our marriage. I was not surprised when our marriage, without love, ended. 

My ex has never embrace me in public, never kissed me, we have never hold hands together... she was a non emotional person, I can now say - emotionally unavailable due to her own childhood pains.

I had two relationships after my marriage that are worth mentioning but I did not have a slightest wish for something more than dating.

So that's it, all my life my heart was closed, never loved anyone and never being truly loved. All that was infatuation not really love. No wonder I am sensitive, easy to breakup relationship and difficult to forgive. 

I'm fully aware of shortcomings of my personality. By seeing these bad things I am step closer to change them.