Because I choose to

Sunday night, almost 10 pm. I'm so tired, you can see my eye's underlings. Today I did 50 minutes yoga practice then I walked about 5 km on Bloor street and later I was in gym lifting weights for about 30 minutes. 

I have decided to follow this schedule to the December 22 when I'm leaving for Serbia. I'm 58 years old but I don't give up. Everything in this world is fake but I want to look good, be healthy, physically strong. So yoga, gym and long walks will continue.

I need energy, lots of it. I have my dream of attaining enlightenment. I'm going to chase my dream to the end of my days. I am slowly changing my attitude towards people, and the world. I will be kind and humble... and that's all that matters.

I am not reading spiritual books, I'm not doing meditation, I smoke and drink and I don't eat healthy food. I don't go to church and I don't pray. I don't follow anyone or anything.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. ~ Mark Twain
My body is born on certain date and until around 2 or 3 years old I started knowing myself. I was not so lucky I had to go to kindergarten, and very soon I found out that life is some serious shit.

Repetition, competition, grades, discipline, useless tasks... step by step I became a person with desire to please others around me. My mother, my father, spouse, friends later my daughter, my boss and many others, it does not matter. I lived my life for others. Now I am too old to handle the world this way anymore.

This physical body is born and since that moment it is heading towards death, whether I may like it, dislike it, believe it, disbelieve it, I may be atheist, theist, following this religion, that religion, I may claim I had previous births or I'm an incarnation, whatever I say or do, I am not spared, the death is awaiting me.

Every single day I am faced with a million little things that encourage me to take this life seriously. Events I have found myself in, causing me to be so self-centered around my personality. I am free to say that my life is nothing but one frustration after another.

I'm turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worrying about a bunch of things that simply do not matter. My bare needs are a place to sleep, something to wear and to have two meals a day. Everything else is luxury to please my vanity.

Truth and the world are two completely different things, and my world is distorted by my beliefs about what it is and what it should be. The world plays around my excessive pride in my appearance, qualities, abilities and achievements. 

Truth is... everything in this world, including my sense of myself, is fake.

My personality is false, my world, aspirations and desires... my country, my job... my interests, striving, hopes and everything else... are one layer of bullshit on the top of another.

There is nothing in life to be understood. The life has to be seen for what it is... a lie.
Why, Mr. Anderson? Why, why, why? Why do you do it? Why? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know?

Is it freedom or truth?! Perhaps peace?! Could it be for love?! Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception! Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love! You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson! You must know it by now! You can't win! It's pointless to keep fighting!

Why, Mr. Anderson?! Why?! WHY DO YOU PERSIST?!

Because I choose to.