I wanted to start this post with title - Starting a new chapter of my life but then I realized there is nothing new to be started. I already have my path I just need to follow it. In the last three years I became lazy, inert, sluggish and fat. I was too concerned about my marriage, traveling and future. I was preoccupied with my wife, daughter and friends, my job, mortgage and debt disregarding my core self. No wonder, in the last three years I became so old.
It is 3 am, Sunday, May 12, 2024, the Mother's Day here in Canada. I am not sure what this day represents but it sounds nice. It is cold, rainy and gloomy night... in this moment, I remember my favorite song.
... this incessant stubborn dying,
this living death,
that slays you, oh God,
in your rigorous handiwork,
in the roses, in the stones,
in the indomitable stars
and in the flesh that burns out,
like a fire lit by a song,
a dream,
a hue that hits the eye.
... and you, yourself,
perhaps have died eternities of ages out there,
without us knowing about it,
we dregs, crumbs, ashes of you;
you that still are present,
like a star faked by its very light,
an empty light without star
that reaches us,
hiding its infinite catastrophe.
This morning I have decided to change my life, my dream. I am tired of my tiredness. I am going back to the life appropriate for self-realization. I am angry on my lazy personality. How did I come to this forgetfulness of "Who am I?".
I am not going to be concerned anymore for anything in my life except self-realization. This is the main point: not-to-be-concerned! Neither of the past nor for the future! My entire being is going to be in the present, what comes comes, what goes goes.
Self-realization is an impossible task but I want to do everything possible to attain it in this life. I need a physical energy, a lots of it, so I have to do yoga more seriously, I need to go to gym, I need to walk a lot and be much more active than I use to be in these last three years. I am going back to study my presence, "I AM" sense, meditate and be aware at all times.
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