The Dream of a Ridiculous Man

It's Saturday morning, almost 5am. I have a sharp pain in my left arm, left shoulder and the area around hearth. I slipped over on black ice on Wednesday night and landed on my left side of the body. I had heavy backpack on my shoulders and it made things worse but fortunately I did not hit the ground with my head and all bones in my left arm and shoulders are okay.

On Thursday I could not get up from the bed that's how bad it was. Yesterday I felt better, I hope it will be better today and tomorrow. The ligaments on my left shoulder are hipper extended, when I fell my arm was bended so now I cannot move left arm pass the eyes. Lets be patient, I am going on vacation to Dominican Republic in Punta Cana on Monday.

Yesterday, I packed the suitcase and I'm taking my yoga mat with me. I want to do yoga starting Tuesday at the balcony of the hotel room, outside, in the hot Caribbean weather. This vacation is coming in the right time for me.

Last week was an interesting week, I signed the new contract for a job. I'm returning back to my old company where I spend 24.5 years. I'm excited and eager to start working there. I will start on March 6, 2023. On Thursday I sent the resignation letter to my current company and they were stunned to hear that I'm leaving them.

I do my work professionally without any emotional involvement. I like capitalism, I like to be paid for my work, I'm not looking into goals, orientation, career etc., the things full time employees are subjected to. I do my work on time and under the budget so managers like me and I like the contract work. 

I started to listen audio books from YouTube and after Herman Hesse's Steppenwolf I listened Dostoevsky short stories. I liked the beginning of "The Dream of a Ridiculous Man" but the end was so disappointing. In that story Dostoevsky describes a man with existential nihilistic views of life.
... since I grew to manhood, I have for some unknown reason become calmer, though I realized my awful characteristic more fully every year. I say 'unknown', for to this day I cannot tell why it was. 

Perhaps it was owing to the terrible misery that was growing in my soul through something which was of more consequence than anything else about me: that something was the conviction that had come upon me that nothing in the world mattered. 

I had long had an inkling of it, but the full realization came last year almost suddenly. I suddenly felt that it was all the same to me whether the world existed or whether there had never been anything at all: I began to feel with all my being that there was nothing existing.

At first I fancied that many things had existed in the past, but afterwards I guessed that there never had been anything in the past either, but that it had only seemed so for some reason. 

Little by little I guessed that there would be nothing in the future either. Then I left off being angry with people and almost ceased to notice them. 

Indeed this showed itself even in the pettiest trifles: I used, for instance, to knock against people in the street. And not so much from being lost in thought: what had I to think about? I had almost given up thinking by that time; nothing mattered to me. If at least I had solved my problems! Oh, I had not settled one of them, and how many there were! But I gave up caring about anything, and all the problems disappeared.

That (ridiculous) man has realized that nothing has any value in this life but instead to go further and to discover to whom is that, Dostoevsky tells us about (ridiculous) man's dream about Christian notion of a paradise, an utopia given by the church. I was so disappointed; the sense of presence, "I am" sense have never came close to his understanding of life.

My friends, the life has no meaning and nothing in this life has any significance indeed. But that is just a starting point for further investigation. 

In our daily life we have to behave without worries and fears keeping in our mind the truth of insignificance of everything. If everything has no value so our fears also have no value, so why fear?

We keep that in mind and we investigate further. Without fears we can clearly see that we are, we exists. We proceed, we leave our multiple (ridiculous) personalities and stay calm, aware and present in everything that we do.

In the state of presence, "I am" sense state, the Reality has to come to us. We cannot go into Reality this "I am" sense state is all that we can hold, without any expectations or hopes we stay and just be there, it is only place worth to be, so Reality can open up to us until we see it. It is enough to happen just once.