Accept, forgive, let go... and move on

Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words, especially of someone you care about? 

These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger. You can hold on to anger and resentment for awhile then you or either embrace forgiveness and move forward never mention that again or you end the relationship and forget that person completely. 

I'm not easy to forgive. I don't forgive people who are okay with putting me down and causing me pain, over and over again. I clearly give them an opportunity to choose a different path, one that doesn’t run over me, but they for whatever reason decide that my pain or my hurt is the acceptable cost of whatever they're doing.

Now of course afterwards, they are sorry. Fuck!!! If they're really sorry they will not do what they do.

I have discovered how stupid I can be. Of course I talk to myself, all the time. My inner dialogue goes  on, my mind works and I take every sentence of what has been said over and over in my head. Why? When? How? and again Why?

But here is the catch...

In the last 20 years, I've searched for enlightenment and I practiced self-study and self-inquiry, meditation and non-attachment so my ability to observe thoughts as a third person. And that study twists everything.

Hundreds of hours of self-observation differentiates me from taking the stupid meaning of thoughts for something serious. I watch the stories in my mind and I see that they don't serve me, rather they take me further away from myself.

I learned that it is the attention that shifts my attitude toward problems. When attention is active the stories I tell myself change.

I learned that I don’t have to waste one minute creating stories that get me nowhere. I don’t have to turn my feelings into a huge drama. Things are so much simpler. I can accept what happens but I cannot be with such person anymore.

I can accept, forgive, let go and move on.

Living the life appears to be so real, and to proclaim that it is only a dream seems sheer nonsense. How can this be true?

Life is simple. Life is short. Life is for living it from moment to moment. But my life has a shadow, which is made up of the demands I make on the life. 

Everybody has his or her own demands. Some people feel like the life hasn't given them enough. Others believe the life is not safe enough. Some want everything to be peaceful. The various demands one can make on the life or on oneself go on and on. These demands form a shadow, an overlay which is nothing but a dream.

All my life I've been told to make the most of my time, to live up to my full potential, follow my dreams, focus, find my purpose or direction, contribute, learn and understand, work effectively, live in the moment, keep my head and stay sane, use my common sense, be mature and sensible, please important others, conform to certain standards, be kind, pleasant and courteous... and to forgive everyone who huts me.

Standard belief systems, whether orthodox or new-age, mainstream or alternative, serve to keep me together with others like in a herd. In the herd, I am heading slowly nowhere, in an orderly manner. 

Whether I forgive something or believe I don't forgive makes no difference. There is only the movement of herd.

Every once in a while a single beast does leave the herd. Never a group or even a pair. When they go, they go one at a time.