Thursday, May 24, 2018

Building a Daily Yoga Practice

This month I have forgotten about yoga. Only 5 practices so far in May. Well, I had shoulder pain for the last three days and I could not do any yoga. It is inflammation of the one of shoulders tendons and I could not raise my hand up.

Daily yoga practice at home helps me to stay healthy, more energetic, calm and happy all day long. I have learned yoga poses for full primary series of ashtanga yoga. I have learned it properly, I was going to the studio for about four years, from 2006 to 2010. I am comfortable to practice it on my own.

Now, is there motivation for the practice?, that is another story. As I said, in May I had sporadic almost non-existent yoga practice. I was preoccupied with my girlfriend, going out, my job and other things and I did not do any exercises. Good food, laziness and lack of exercises have done its thing, I think in the last month or so, I gain 4 pounds, and all the excess is stored mostly around my belly. I have to return myself to the proper shape.

Today, I have started the daily practice of yoga again. I do half primary and my goal is to prepare myself to do full primary series of ashtanga yoga in October. I am 53 and the full primary is very hard thing to do. Here are the things I am keeping in mind as I prepare myself for a fun of the full primary.

1. Convenient time

My yoga practice starts at 7:30 AM.

Practicing yoga in the morning is considered to be the best as it keeps energy levels high during the day. Yet, if it does not happen, I don’t let it be an excuse to skip my practice. I have opportunity to do the practice after the work at 6:00 PM. So I will have no excuse to miss the practice.

2. Comfortable place

I do not have a separate room in my apartment for daily yoga practice. However I do have a place in the middle of living room which is large enough to roll out my yoga mat. All I need to ensure is that my yoga space is clean, it faces my window, it is well-ventilated, and away from furniture or sharp objects.

3. Strength exercises before yoga

This is an absolute must-to-do routine, else I may be at risk of straining my muscles. I'm starting daily practice by warming my body with push ups and few sets of stomach crunches. Then I do exercises for the arms, biceps etc. I respect my body and I do heavy lifting gently with a smile. So first strength exercises for about 10 minutes and then 5 sun salutations A and B.

Total time for morning practice is 1 hour.

4. Consistency

Well, this is the point. It is very important to be regular with yoga practice, to make it a habit. Thirty minutes of yoga is likely to show positive results sooner than two hours of occasional practice.

Practicing yoga alone, it might get boring after a while or I may simply become lazy. So I will try doing it with Sharat's DVD and see the difference! Sharat's Primary Series DVD  can be a great way for motivation.

Monday, May 21, 2018

How the Right Nutrition Can Strengthen Your Relationship

Pravda Vodka Club, Toronto

It is a very good title, but I don't know the answer. If you don't follow my blog and that is quite possible, very few people do, and you've came here by pure accident and you just read this article, you might wonder what I'm actually writing about. Well, I really don't know what I am writing about, I mean, I do mention awakening, spirituality, yoga and my daily life but all that really means nothing. To be quite honest I'm just having a fun.

By reading this blog you may come to conclusion that my life is great and I have nothing to complain about... and you are quite right. Nevertheless, at this moment, I want to shift the focus of my life. I feel an internal urge to live healthier. My vision is not yet completely clear and I'm not quite sure how to start, but things are about to change.

At age 53, I've reached a point when I just no longer fit in with the crowd like before. It is difficult for me to admit, but I must be honest, I'm too old for going out and clubbing every night. There is no reason I should go to clubs if everyone around me is my daughter's age. If you don’t see the problem then you have a problem.

Today is Victoria day in Canada and it is holiday. Monday afternoon, I am with my daughter and I just made a dinner for her. This weekend is slowly coming to the end. I had a wonderful time with my girlfriend. She came on Friday night and she left home earlier today. For these three days we went out every night and we went to sleep after 2 am in the morning. Friday night, Open Cork a wonderful steak dinner, on Saturday night we went out to Pravda Vodka Club with my friend, we were dancing and drinking, yesterday we went to Milestones for a lunch with my daughter...

I'm thinking for myself and I'm not quite sure is this life my show, is it my dream or just randomly and loosely connected events. But honestly, who the fuck cares. I need to save money, smoke less, drink less and exercise more. Spring is here. Today in Toronto is 20 C and it feels really nice so I'll be waking up at 5 am.

In two weeks I am going for a vacation heading for Mexico. I will stay there with my friend for 14 days. I do expect to get in shape, I want to practice yoga everyday, swim a lot and visit the gym regularly. Of course there will be a lot tequila and beer but fortunately at resort everything is finished by midnight so I will have enough sleep.

These two weeks before my vacation I will use to build physical strength by daily ashtanga yoga half-primary practice, 45 minutes long practice. I want to have 85 kg without belly fat. Wish me luck.

Friday, May 18, 2018

My Life Philosophy

I don't like the optimism, you know, hoping that something better will come.

Nothing better will come, getting old sucks big way. Whoever told you that with age you will become smarter lied to you. Fuck it. You were young and stupid and then you are not young anymore.

I really don't like optimism. First, such people have no clue how the real world works. They are totally fake, soft and weak-minded. They stick their heads in the sand and ignore reality thinking happy thoughts while doing nothing. There is no second.

On another hand, I am not a pessimist either. I don't expect only bad outcomes, I am not gloomy, joyless and unhopeful. Well, scratch unhopeful. Although I went through so many disappointments, I don't expect the misfortune in my future.

I'm not a pessimist, I'm not an optimist, I am a realist. 

I have no clue if being a realist is something good to acquire, but I ended up here, in the middle of the bullshit. What does it mean to be a realist anyway?

Being realistic downplays the good things in life and it tries to see the bad as inevitable. I try to make no prejudice for what people believe and how they behave, I try to be impartial, with no judgments.

The attitude is the thing. I'm a realist, and I'm here to set the record straight. Forget those glasses that can be half empty or half full, the glass could be filled to the brim or emptied to the last drop, it depends how thirsty you are, that’s how unpredictable life is. I make sense of the world, and that’s why I have advantage over you.

I do expect the best outcome, but I'm also considering the other options.

Of course I don’t want things to go wrong, but I know that it’s not always a possibility. I'm going to tell you a small secret of life. Things in life tend to go their own way just up to the certain point and then a little twist happen and things start to deteriorate and again events go until next little twist. In the end, if nothing is done, what was planned became quite different.

Take for example musical scale. The frequencies of vibration of the seven notes of the octave are: Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Si. In this scale, there are 5 “whole tone” steps, Do-Re, Re-Mi, Fa-So, So-La, La-Si; and two smaller steps (or twist as I called them) half-tones Mi-Fa and Si-Do. It is natural representation that things do not go straight and that some other work needs to be done in order to achieve things as they are planned.

In any work where you wish certain outcome you have to recognize the "twists" and put additional effort. And always, you must have a backup plan in place because you want to be as prepared as possible if the best outcome doesn’t turn out to be a reality (not because you secretly want bad things to happen).

Let’s be honest; it’s great to always have a cheerful outlook, but it’s downright stupid to think that’s the only possible outcome. Be prepared for anything.

I don’t trust people and that’s a good thing.

I don't trust my friends, relatives or anyone else. Once upon a time I did that and it turned out to be the one of my biggest disappointment of my life.

Do you think it’s so cute when you meet someone who automatically trusts everyone and believes everyone is full of kindness? Or do you think they’re incredibly naive? Many of you started out that way, until you discovered that not everyone is good inside and that you should have higher standards for who you trust, because some people will destroy you mercilessly to achieve their own agendas.

I believe in love, but I also know that women use the love to try to take advantage of me.

When I meet someone new and I'm skeptical, open just to the point, it’s not because I honestly believe that every single woman in the world is a bad. It’s because I know that a certain percentage of them are, and I want to carefully avoid those ones.

Everyone has had such people in their life, those persons who call you and want to hang out with you, find out secrets about you, and blabs them all over town. I'm naturally careful about who I let into my life, so I'm on the lookout for sketchy behavior.

It drives me crazy when people tell me that I shouldn’t be so negative or untrusting of people. Oh, do you want me to change my personality for you? Let me get right on that! I am being realistic about life and the future, and I know that it helps me get through each day with as few complications as possible.

... and I'm not changing.

Now, lets do yoga....

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

In the end, someone always leaves

Goodbye ...  

Last Sunday I found out that my ex-wife is dating again. She has a boyfriend. She told me the news and I was surprised. She came with my daughter to my apartment to get a lamp for living room. I made dinner and we were talking just about everything. I have not seen her for about a year and we do not text so we had a lot things to talk about. When I heard the news I didn't feel anything, just surprise.

I remember our marriage as essentially a marriage of two strangers, we were together 22 years while each of us remained utterly alone, pervaded by the deep sense of insecurity, anxiety and guilt.

After the separation, I wanted to be a friend with her but she refused any contact. I have realized that she has planned divorce a long time before she actually told me that we do not have a future together.

Anyway, I don't want to sound pathetic, much less nostalgic. We did have some good time so I find it necessary to see things as it is. It is true, we didn't have a future together.

Someone told that the most perfect relationship is the one that supports you in fulfilling your destiny. Wow serious shit, really. Destiny!

I used to believe that if two people loved each other, things would work out. As I got older and wiser, I understood that the “love” is nothing else but demanding, repressing, and controlling. But I have to admit, I'm not an expert in these matters, I don't even know what kind of real, mature love looks like.

I grew up on romantic movies with happy endings and romance novels where passion takes over logic. In those movies, no matter how difficult the circumstances around the couple were, they would somehow resolve those issues and walk off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

After my marriage I had a 2 years relationship of constant breakups with The Angel. For example we were together for a month and then we did not see each other for two months...

When I was with The Angel I have started to wonder why do I need a girlfriend.

The relationship become complicated so that I must explain myself more and more. It reminds me of everything that I hated in my marriage. I was feeling that I was losing my freedom and independence.

Since I am divorced I don't have too much of patience in relationship. I don't want to have it. Finally, I have started to enjoy my time alone. I am free and I can do whatever I want with my life and suddenly, because I've allowed it, there is another person telling me what I need to do. I can not accept that.

Feeling wanted and making myself useful to her sounds great. I've got a lot of love to give her, I think. But If I feel that I'm attached to her and that she is the most important thing to me... the bell in my mind rings. Showing affection or love to her, is never a bad thing, but being attached to her beyond my own interest is something completely different.

The relationship with the Angel was a great at certain moments. I could continue playing nice and "all is okay", darling and sweetheart, follow her whenever she wants to go, pay the bills and be quiet, or I could stop that and stand for my freedom... I've chosen the later.

When you’re desperately holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. What love wants for the other person is happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel alone.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.

I was in love with the Stranger. That was very appropriate name for her. She was a Stranger, indeed. She did not like that someone is in love with her, she told me and I don't know the reason for that. At the time, I could not change my feelings but unfortunately,  being in love usually doesn't last forever...

We planned Mexico trip together and then I cancelled it...

Last night at 9:10 PM I broke up with the Stranger. I send her the message and there is no response. All is good, life goes on.

I don’t love her anymore, she has killed all the feelings I've had for her. I don’t see the point being with her.

Maybe she thinks intimacy lies in a picture of a smiley face. Maybe she thinks to like another person the “good morning” text is enough. Maybe she thinks romance is dead, because maybe it is, but maybe she just need to reinvent herself. Maybe romance is still there, she just don’t know what it looks like.

Commitment. Intimacy. “I love you.” I did it. I thought I found it. I've lived my life wanting to be with her. I told people I'm in a relationship. I shared my happiness, shiny pictures of a happy couple. The world was perfect.

Then, I saw other happy, shiny couples and I compared our relationship with them. I realized that I will never be good enough for her, because what she's trying to measure up just does not fucking exist. Her love does not exist. Our relationship does not exist. Yet, I couldn't believe it. But I've seen it with my own eyes. And, I've wanted it. And, I made myself miserable.

So, I broke up.

I broke up because I'm not good enough, my life and my look aren’t good enough for her so my relationship with her isn’t good enough. “Good morning” texts. Intimacy. Couple selfies. Empty phone calls... The inevitable source of subtle dissatisfaction.

The thoughts started “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” “This isn’t working.” “I need something more.”... And, I broke up.

Another love lost. Another graveyard of shiny, happy couple.

Tomorrow I am going for vacation. Alone, but with the peace of mind.

Yup. That's it. 😍

Monday, May 14, 2018

Shine On - You Crazy Diamond

The main reason for slavery is belief that inner (thoughts) and outside (world) events are true!

These are the first words of truth - not truth in quotation marks but truth in the real meaning of the word; truth which is not merely theoretical but truth that can be realized.

Everything, including the sense of “I” is fake. The world is but a show, glittering and empty. All is nothing. Desires leading you. All objects including your relation to mother, father, children, friends etc. are untrue. All relationships are ready to fool you. See your own meaninglessness and stay there. You need a real courage for that.

When you see for yourself THAT, you will collapse in fear and confusion but you will acquire the greatest virtue of this world... humility. Until that happens to you, changing your beliefs is all theoretical, irrelevant.

Everyone wants to be somebody, and no one wants to be a nobody. You are frustrated in your quest for significance. Present social system of elitism allows a select few to "succeed". For you, the life is just wanting. You can agree that humility is a nice quality in others, because you feel safe and comfortable around people who are humble. But when it comes to yourself, you may consider humility a hindrance to success and a recipe of failure.

Changing your beliefs has nothing to do with personal ambitions for worldly success. Real fulfillment in life is achieved only through knowing who you are. A clear sense of false identity cannot be seen from external point, it can only be seen on the foundation of humility based on a deep conviction of your own nothingness.

When you for a brief moment see that the "you", that, what you take yourself to be, is a fiction – when you actually recognize this, not just intellectually agree with it but actually see it – what happens? ....... nothing. Nothing actually happens.

The "you" full of fear and emotions and delusions remain firmly in place.

Well, not so firmly as before seeing it, but you still get caught up being fearful and selfish although you might understand the fiction of it. You may start recognizing your life as a drama, and that does bring some relief.

But, still, there is no explanation of what life really is. What you can say about a son of a barren woman? It’s a simple thing, really. It is the fiction, although so damned pervasive and persistent. It’s everywhere, in every concept and emotion and thought. You're easily carried away by daily events instead recognizing this fiction.

"Well," he said, opening the door to his car, "all you can do is put on an appearance of confidence sometimes. And after a while, others will start to believe it." He grabbed the door handle to pull it closed. "And then you die." Slam!!! - Neil Strauss

~ Shine On You Crazy Diamond, Pink Floyd ~

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
Rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
Come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!