Friday, February 22, 2019

Barcelo Maya Caribe...again 😘


Yesterday evening, I came from work at 5 pm and I had a fever. Outside was nice, around 4 C, but I was shivering from cold. I ate and went to bed immediately, and I slept until almost 9 pm. I woke up hot and sweating but I felt much better. I am on the verge to get sick but today I will work from home and I will buy lemon and ginger, a good treatment for the flue.

It is 2:30 am at the night and I am up, I am rested and I cannot sleep. I am looking at photos from last year's vacation. Tonight my girlfriend will come to my place and we will buy tickets for vacation in April. We are going 7 days at Barcelo Maya Caribe, Mayan Riviera.


Yooohooo, now I have a goal and two months to get in shape. I will try to lose at least 5 kg (10 pounds) in this period. I am 93 kg this morning and I have never been so fat in my life. Good life, lots of food, inactivity, sporadic yoga practice and drinking  made me weak, overweight and lazy. I gonna change that.

I love all inclusive vacations, where you don't think anything, you just have a good time.

I missed my girlfriend last year. I was in Mexico in June with my friend and I was in Dominican Republic in August alone. Last year I was 24 nights on Caribbean. It had a good time but I felt lonely.

The best vacation is when you go with someone you love. And if she is funny and not bored, avid book reader, the vacation could be a real dream.

😘😘😘

I am with my girlfriend 2,5 years, she is busy working, single mother and I realized I am not with her only for the fun. Most likely, I really, really like her or maybe even I love her because dating her is not easy thing cause with her, comes her children.

So in these years we have only been 3 nights in Jamaica and 4 nights in Dominican Republic. She could not make it for a longer time. We have also been at Blue Mountain for 2 nights... all that a long time ago.

I remember the movie "Jerry Maguire?" when Tom Cruise says to his friend, "What do you know about the single mothers?" and the answer, "Single mothers don’t date. They come and go. They’ve been to the circus, know what I mean?"

I bring this up because I am very happy that we will go for 7 days at Maya Riviera and we will spend some time together.

Monday, February 18, 2019

The world has reached the lowest level of happiness in ten years


Monday, a Family Day here in Canada, a day off the work. It is 11 am, outside is sunny but cold, around -7 C. I just got up from bed, I was working all night and finally my web application Living On Cash is ready. I deployed application to my server and make it public. Please be free to check it out. It is free.

I feel happy and satisfied.

I am a computer programmer and I like my job very much. I think this is a key for happiness.

I am divorced and I live alone. There is no one I must listen to, there is no one to whom I have to explain myself and report  my activities to.

My daughter is grown up girl and she has her own life. My girlfriend comes once per week and we love each other without too much attachments.

I do yoga almost daily and I feel strong and flexible. I am 54 years old and I don't give a shit for anything else.

The rest of the world is not in this happy mood at all. This morning I read on internet World happiness levels are at their lowest level in over a decade, with the number of people who say they feel stressed and worried rising, according to a survey published on Wednesday February 13, 2019.

"Collectively, the world is more stressed, worried, sad and in pain today than we've ever seen it," the group's managing editor, Mohamed Younis, wrote in a foreword to the study.

Gallup surveyed more than 154,000 people in 146 countries on whether they had felt pain, worry, stress, anger or sadness the previous day. It said the global mood was at its gloomiest since the first such survey in 2006.

Economist Jan-Emmanuel De Neve said it was "disturbing" to see the global mood souring against a backdrop of rising wealth and material progress.

"There is probably a more structural indicator around the increasing wealth not being inclusive enough," said De Neve, an associate professor at the University of Oxford who has written about the link between income and happiness.

You choose whether you are happy or unhappy.

If you’re unhappy with your life right now, I will say that it’s because you’ve chosen to be unhappy. It sounds harsh, but it’s completely true. Pardon me, you are reading my blog, so you're neither homeless nor clinically depressed nor the one who undergone terrible tragedies or abuse in your past. You're normal human being so this applies to you.

I hear you, your life is crap, and of course, you're going to be unhappy. Your job isn’t going well, your relationships aren’t going well, your finances are very bad, you're overweight, your life is a mess.

But listen to this... it’s proven that it’s not the conditions that make you unhappy, but your choice of thoughts, your attitude.

When you're unhappy, you focus on all the bad things in your life. Not only that, but you continually think about how bad things are, you complain, and you ask, “Why me?” You walk on the verge of inaction and eventually depression. You become grumpy and cynic. That, in turn, only made the situation worse. It certainly does not help you.

I am not saying focus on only good things in your life and have positive thoughts. Fuck that. While you have problems at your work and with your relationships and with your finances or health and all that... there is still the opportunity to be content with yourself. How?

Simplify your life

Get out of debt. Be active, have your health under control, even if you are overweight. Be happy, despite your conditions, simply because you chose to be happy. Find satisfaction in what you already have, instead of wishing something else.

Be satisfied with less, with a simpler life, rather than always wanting more, always acquiring more. Examine why you want more, and solve your issues. At the root of wanting more is not being satisfied with what you have. Stop acquiring, start enjoying!

Friday, February 8, 2019

Life is sweetness and light among shame and confusion


This title comes from Leo Tolstoy's last book, Resurrection. I like the book, it is the story of a man tormented by the injustices of society and his own mistakes in life. As a reader you will probably like the man but at the same time you will fear it too, since it is possible that you may find your own weaknesses.   

I am not a guy who likes to fight and who argues a lot. I make decision quickly and I try to cut the bullshit at the very moment I see it. Sometimes I make wrong decisions because I am so fast in making them but I am also okay at admitting my own mistakes. But... most of the time, I am right.

In the last months I have changed. I am tired of empty expectations. I am not so exiting to be with anyone for a longer period. The people bring with themselves only their problems. I don't want to be a garbage bag where they constantly dump their self-made bullshit.

As we grow older, as time is passing by, we are becoming more and more a cowards. With age we lack the courage to do or endure unpleasant things. Some of us appear as cynics but actually we are just timid, easily intimidated personas.

We live our life. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so to talk about truth is not applicable. Truth is relative. In my 54 years I have concluded that there is not such thing as truth. If I need to define it, I would say, the truth is what is necessary, everything else are lies. You may have concluded something else... it doesn't matter.

The bottom line is, there’s no meaning to life, no reward for achieving all the things we've achieved. And please, stop saying that things were better back then in our youth. When we were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Oh well, that's not only wrong but not cool as well.

Be courageous, enough to fulfill what is necessary fully understanding that there is nothing awaiting you. Live, fight, like it matters...

Do. Whatever. Fuck. You Want. The life is your show. It is your universe. Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, you are completely on your own. Everything is available to you. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you. No one else is necessary for you. Collect yourself fast and cut the crap out of your life and realize your own bullshit.

Guess what? Life is hard for everyone. It’s not supposed to be easy. If we want a different life, no one is going to change it for us. Stop for a moment and clearly see...

We’ll stop living some day, we want to think we're immortal, but we aren’t. We behave like we are, the nature takes care that we have no notion of our own death. We always want more and better... and we're saving for a retirement in order to start living. It is a madness.

Everyone around us is going to die. So we need to love people around us and tell them that we love them. We must be brave enough to freely express our love. To say it loudly. To tell people that matter to us that they matter to us.. nothing else does.



Thursday, February 7, 2019

Sex, it is disgusting... like animals


It's now very common to hear people say, "I'm rather offended by that." As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... then a whine. "I find that offensive." It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. "I am offended by that." Well, so fucking what. - Stephen Fry

I really do not care if you're going to be offended by this post or not. All the chances are that you associate life with images of perfection. Like... perfect happiness in a perfect family with a plenty of sunshine and vegetables, with a perfect body doing even more perfect yoga, and meditating in perfect green forest pursuing a wisdom to save the rest of humanity.

Having such images in your head blinds you from obvious truth, why do not say the reality.  In any given year, 1 in 5 Canadians experiences a mental health problem. So called the episode or simply said ...breakdown. By the time Canadians reach 40 years of age, 1 in 2 has, or have had, a mental illness. The terms "mental illness" refer to depression, anxiety, delusions... general dissatisfaction and disappointment.

Did you know that only 25% of women are able to reach orgasm during sexual intercourse?

According to long-term studies, 50% of women have the orgasm once in a month, 20% once in a year, and 5% never have orgasms.

Can you imagine? 3 of 4 women can’t feel complete sexual pleasure and there is at least 1 of 4 who has never experienced an orgasm – even after decades of having sex.

No wonder that so many women over 40 have lost their desire for sex, have been emotionally abused and are fearful, or think that there is something wrong with them because they don’t feel the pleasure that they hear other women talk about.


The problem of orgasm is just a tip of the iceberg of modern living. I blame the orgasm problem to the fact that they take the life way too seriously.

Every day women are faced with traps that encourage them to take life seriously. They are faced with all kinds of frustrations, turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worrying about a bunch of things that simply do not matter.

Kids, spouse, relatives, church, workplace... They are very sensitive, they get offended by rain, by look, gesture, words... especially words. "I am feeling offended" is an epidemic spreading across the western world and this problem of sexuality is the consequence.

According to my own observation, nearly 70% of women of age 40 and up suffer from lost of sexual desire. The sex drive usually decline after the birth of the child, somewhere in late 30ties.

"I just became less and less interested in sex," says 42 years old Lisa mother of two. "Eventually, it wasn't on the agenda at all. Not that I wasn't interested in the idea - but it just didn't do anything for me. My answer was to throw myself wholeheartedly into my business and everything else, so I wouldn't think about the problem."

When a woman loses interest in sex, the impact on her partner can be serious.

"There is no question that this is causing depression and a whole host of headaches, pains and other apparently unconnected physical problems," says Mike Perring, a GP and sexual psychotherapist. "Good sex is part of general well-being for most people."

To simplify things, most of the women over 40 just don't like sex. Back in May 2016 I had conversation on match.com with a nice looking 40-something lady...


Well, we will never find out why she lost desire for sex. The sexual intercourse, sexual desire and in the end the satisfaction... for her is disgusting act, like animals. Sexual thoughts, erotic fantasies, and daydreams are not on her agenda.

Not anymore - Guy gets her flowers, girl gives him head! As a teenager said...  "I'm sorry, but I'm really sick of this stupid stereotype. Don't get me wrong, I love pleasing my man with some BJ, but I don't fucking want flowers."

The grand cosmic joke is that there is nowhere to go and nothing to do. Women fool themselves for waiting for something. The life that they're having is always at this moment and this moment is all there is. But women after 40, do wait for flowers.



Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Back to yoga, living healthy and saving money


December and January were months for hard learning of Angular programming. I learned a lot and I implemented my first angular code at work. I am becoming more and more proficient with typescript, html and css.

I have restarted my yoga practice and I will try to do it every day. Nevertheless, I'm returning to my main life's goal - self-realization. I have never disregarded awakening and being a conscious human being. My life is not a rush and I am not living in a frantic tempo. Not because I want to, but because I've stopped looking at others. I've stopped competition with others. I am not interested of what others do, think, say...

I have done many things in my life, like my marriage, for example, I regret most f it. But when I think more deeply, so fucking what?... if I did a fatal mistake marrying the ex and being in a marriage for 22 years.

They say, there are things to be learned from every mistake, the mistakes are lessons. I just wonder, the lessons... for what? Smart guys divorce in 30s, not like me, I divorced in 48. What is left for me to learn?

So at the end of the day, I don't really worry for this lost time. Worrying is bullshit. Unrealistic perception of life is the base of all problems. I try to laugh at my life as many times as I can. I know, my laugh does not solve anything and yet...

I look good for my age. 91 kg, it can be better, I must go down to 86 kg. In June I will be at 35 years of High School reunion party. I want to look, not good but great. 


It’s wonderful when I find meaning and purpose in my life. Most of the time I am not there. I have no idea what my purpose was/is. I’m not talking about my job, angular programming, my mortgage renewal, or car maintenance, I mean the real reason why I'm here at all — what is a reason I exist.

I'm rather a nihilistic realist who doesn’t believe neither in God nor in conspiracy theories. Many books seem to assume that we're either genetically (read - divinely) encoded with some sort of built-in purpose, and all we need to do is take the time to discover it.

Every day in subway, on the street, at work, I see empty people and I feel so vividly their emptiness, the yearning, the confusion, the lacking of something. My feelings merge with them and then I don't see them anymore.

It sounds boring to say but nothing will happened to anyone by itself, they will not change and they will not understand, they will not understand that world is pulled over their mind and made them a modern slaves.

This might come as a surprise to you, but it is more likely that you simply refuse to see it.


The power of their delusions is staggering, yet, the beliefs and opinions are necessary to help them function in the world. The world is supported by their "sleep" and the Nature does not want them to "wake up".

You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy? Well the thing about life is, it gets weird. People are always talking about truth. Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin' and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain't no truth. All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak. -Bernie LaPlante. Hero


That's it. Try to see that for yourself.