Friday, February 8, 2019

Life is sweetness and light among shame and confusion


This title comes from Leo Tolstoy's last book, Resurrection. I like the book, it is the story of a man tormented by the injustices of society and his own mistakes in life. As a reader you will probably like the man but at the same time you will fear it too, since it is possible that you may find your own weaknesses.   

I am not a guy who likes to fight and who argues a lot. I make decision quickly and I try to cut the bullshit at the very moment I see it. Sometimes I make wrong decisions because I am so fast in making them but I am also okay at admitting my own mistakes. But... most of the time, I am right.

In the last months I have changed. I am tired of empty expectations. I am not so exiting to be with anyone for a longer period. The people bring with themselves only their problems. I don't want to be a garbage bag where they constantly dump their self-made bullshit.

As we grow older, as time is passing by, we are becoming more and more a cowards. With age we lack the courage to do or endure unpleasant things. Some of us appear as cynics but actually we are just timid, easily intimidated personas.

We live our life. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so to talk about truth is not applicable. Truth is relative. In my 54 years I have concluded that there is not such thing as truth. If I need to define it, I would say, the truth is what is necessary, everything else are lies. You may have concluded something else... it doesn't matter.

The bottom line is, there’s no meaning to life, no reward for achieving all the things we've achieved. And please, stop saying that things were better back then in our youth. When we were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Oh well, that's not only wrong but not cool as well.

Be courageous, enough to fulfill what is necessary fully understanding that there is nothing awaiting you. Live, fight, like it matters...

Do. Whatever. Fuck. You Want. The life is your show. It is your universe. Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, you are completely on your own. Everything is available to you. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you. No one else is necessary for you. Collect yourself fast and cut the crap out of your life and realize your own bullshit.

Guess what? Life is hard for everyone. It’s not supposed to be easy. If we want a different life, no one is going to change it for us. Stop for a moment and clearly see...

We’ll stop living some day, we want to think we're immortal, but we aren’t. We behave like we are, the nature takes care that we have no notion of our own death. We always want more and better... and we're saving for a retirement in order to start living. It is a madness.

Everyone around us is going to die. So we need to love people around us and tell them that we love them. We must be brave enough to freely express our love. To say it loudly. To tell people that matter to us that they matter to us.. nothing else does.



Thursday, February 7, 2019

Sex, it is disgusting... like animals


It's now very common to hear people say, "I'm rather offended by that." As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... then a whine. "I find that offensive." It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. "I am offended by that." Well, so fucking what. - Stephen Fry

I really do not care if you're going to be offended by this post or not. All the chances are that you associate life with images of perfection. Like... perfect happiness in a perfect family with a plenty of sunshine and vegetables, with a perfect body doing even more perfect yoga, and meditating in perfect green forest pursuing a wisdom to save the rest of humanity.

Having such images in your head blinds you from obvious truth, why do not say the reality.  In any given year, 1 in 5 Canadians experiences a mental health problem. So called the episode or simply said ...breakdown. By the time Canadians reach 40 years of age, 1 in 2 has, or have had, a mental illness. The terms "mental illness" refer to depression, anxiety, delusions... general dissatisfaction and disappointment.

Did you know that only 25% of women are able to reach orgasm during sexual intercourse?

According to long-term studies, 50% of women have the orgasm once in a month, 20% once in a year, and 5% never have orgasms.

Can you imagine? 3 of 4 women can’t feel complete sexual pleasure and there is at least 1 of 4 who has never experienced an orgasm – even after decades of having sex.

No wonder that so many women over 40 have lost their desire for sex, have been emotionally abused and are fearful, or think that there is something wrong with them because they don’t feel the pleasure that they hear other women talk about.


The problem of orgasm is just a tip of the iceberg of modern living. I blame the orgasm problem to the fact that they take the life way too seriously.

Every day women are faced with traps that encourage them to take life seriously. They are faced with all kinds of frustrations, turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worrying about a bunch of things that simply do not matter.

Kids, spouse, relatives, church, workplace... They are very sensitive, they get offended by rain, by look, gesture, words... especially words. "I am feeling offended" is an epidemic spreading across the western world and this problem of sexuality is the consequence.

According to my own observation, nearly 70% of women of age 40 and up suffer from lost of sexual desire. The sex drive usually decline after the birth of the child, somewhere in late 30ties.

"I just became less and less interested in sex," says 42 years old Lisa mother of two. "Eventually, it wasn't on the agenda at all. Not that I wasn't interested in the idea - but it just didn't do anything for me. My answer was to throw myself wholeheartedly into my business and everything else, so I wouldn't think about the problem."

When a woman loses interest in sex, the impact on her partner can be serious.

"There is no question that this is causing depression and a whole host of headaches, pains and other apparently unconnected physical problems," says Mike Perring, a GP and sexual psychotherapist. "Good sex is part of general well-being for most people."

To simplify things, most of the women over 40 just don't like sex. Back in May 2016 I had conversation on match.com with a nice looking 40-something lady...


Well, we will never find out why she lost desire for sex. The sexual intercourse, sexual desire and in the end the satisfaction... for her is disgusting act, like animals. Sexual thoughts, erotic fantasies, and daydreams are not on her agenda.

Not anymore - Guy gets her flowers, girl gives him head! As a teenager said...  "I'm sorry, but I'm really sick of this stupid stereotype. Don't get me wrong, I love pleasing my man with some BJ, but I don't fucking want flowers."

The grand cosmic joke is that there is nowhere to go and nothing to do. Women fool themselves for waiting for something. The life that they're having is always at this moment and this moment is all there is. But women after 40, do wait for flowers.



Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Back to yoga, living healthy and saving money


December and January were months for hard learning of Angular programming. I learned a lot and I implemented my first angular code at work. I am becoming more and more proficient with typescript, html and css.

I have restarted my yoga practice and I will try to do it every day. Nevertheless, I'm returning to my main life's goal - self-realization. I have never disregarded awakening and being a conscious human being. My life is not a rush and I am not living in a frantic tempo. Not because I want to, but because I've stopped looking at others. I've stopped competition with others. I am not interested of what others do, think, say...

I have done many things in my life, like my marriage, for example, I regret most f it. But when I think more deeply, so fucking what?... if I did a fatal mistake marrying the ex and being in a marriage for 22 years.

They say, there are things to be learned from every mistake, the mistakes are lessons. I just wonder, the lessons... for what? Smart guys divorce in 30s, not like me, I divorced in 48. What is left for me to learn?

So at the end of the day, I don't really worry for this lost time. Worrying is bullshit. Unrealistic perception of life is the base of all problems. I try to laugh at my life as many times as I can. I know, my laugh does not solve anything and yet...

I look good for my age. 91 kg, it can be better, I must go down to 86 kg. In June I will be at 35 years of High School reunion party. I want to look, not good but great. 


It’s wonderful when I find meaning and purpose in my life. Most of the time I am not there. I have no idea what my purpose was/is. I’m not talking about my job, angular programming, my mortgage renewal, or car maintenance, I mean the real reason why I'm here at all — what is a reason I exist.

I'm rather a nihilistic realist who doesn’t believe neither in God nor in conspiracy theories. Many books seem to assume that we're either genetically (read - divinely) encoded with some sort of built-in purpose, and all we need to do is take the time to discover it.

Every day in subway, on the street, at work, I see empty people and I feel so vividly their emptiness, the yearning, the confusion, the lacking of something. My feelings merge with them and then I don't see them anymore.

It sounds boring to say but nothing will happened to anyone by itself, they will not change and they will not understand, they will not understand that world is pulled over their mind and made them a modern slaves.

This might come as a surprise to you, but it is more likely that you simply refuse to see it.


The power of their delusions is staggering, yet, the beliefs and opinions are necessary to help them function in the world. The world is supported by their "sleep" and the Nature does not want them to "wake up".

You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy? Well the thing about life is, it gets weird. People are always talking about truth. Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin' and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain't no truth. All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak. -Bernie LaPlante. Hero


That's it. Try to see that for yourself.

Saturday, February 2, 2019

I guess it is nice to have a choice


Only few know this secret... there isn't one!

There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death. They don't honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries and they can't hear it. Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die. - Charles Bukowski

Charles Bukowski, an alcoholic, a heavy drinker, a smoker. He used to gamble a lot and he loved women so much that he spent all his money on them and of course the booze. He was a writer too and you can learn a lot from his writings.

If you have never read anything from him, you're probably thinking what the fuck, he's the last person you would ever look to learn anything but I am telling you, he is the perfect place to lear about life.

Nothing was ever in tune. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholicism, weight-lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Back, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice. - Charles Bukowski

For you who still read my blog I do wonder why you do that? I write now only about my dilemma... why does life taste like chicken? I'm curious, did love and hate evolve independently or did they both inherit chicken-less from a common ancestor?

I stopped writing articles about living life by being awake with special attention on the beauty of being content with what you have and who you really are. Who gives a fuck? But I must say...


If you’re unhappy with your life right now, I will say that it’s because you’ve chosen to be unhappy. It’s completely true. You're neither homeless nor clinically ill. You're a normal human being, although in a deep sleep.

You're unhappy, you focus on all the bad things in your life. You continually think about how bad things are, you complain, and you ask, “Why me?” You walk on the verge of inaction and eventually depression. You are grumpy, cynic and cheap ass. That, makes the situation very bad indeed .

I am not saying focus on only good things in your life and have positive thoughts. While you have problems at your work and with your relationships and with your finances or health and all that... there is still the opportunity to be happy. 

Find satisfaction in what you already have, instead of wishing something else.

Be satisfied with less, with a simpler life, rather than always wanting more, always acquiring more. Examine why you want more, and solve your issues. At the root of wanting more is not being satisfied with what you have.


There never was any journey!

You are born in this world and since that moment you are heading towards death, whether you may like it, dislike it, believe it, disbelieve it, you may be atheist, theist, following this religion, that religion, you may claim you are an incarnation, whatever you may, you are not spared, the death is awaiting you.

You are conditioned thinking that you are on a journey. You want to become rich, to be famous, to be smart and that is causing a feeling of lack so you are seeking something to destroy that feeling. This makes you to always look forward to the future.

But the truth is, nothing you do, know or experience will destroy this "not enough" feeling that you have. Your life is just endless cycle of accumulating bullshit you think lead to a permanent, uninterrupted happiness.

Unfortunately, no such thing. You wanting something that does not exist is the root of your problems.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

The End of January

The photo of 2018... April 2018

The January of 2019 is ending. I am 54. Scary shit.

I don't have old photos. I destroyed all paper photos during a period of my spiritual search. I have done a complete recapitulation of my life and as part of that technique I burned my old photographs so I have no attachment to my past.

It’s been nearly sixteen years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, I had no idea what really matters in life.

At age of 29, I arrived in Canada with my eight months old daughter, my wife and $10K cash money. I was learning English and I worked hard as a dishwasher to support family. My wife did not work. After a year of making salads and washing dishes I got my job as a computer programmer. I bought our first condo in 1999 which I paid off ten years later, and just couple of years later I got divorced.

In 2018 I had 25 days at Caribbean...

I hear people of my age talking about retirement, pension plans, and future in general. They are very much afraid of what will happen to them. They are afraid of getting old. I do not worry about such things. What is the future after all? An imagination. The future does not exist, it is just in the mind. People lose present moment worrying about the future, worrying about something that does not exist.

I am free to say that I have discovered the truth - nothing has value in this life. Events arouse desire, fear, anger, and you think it is "you". You get stuck talking to yourself, explaining, hoping, trying to find any meaning in all this.

Life has no explanations to give. It is an empty, meaningless flow of events that just go on and on. Whatever happens has little or no importance. People are born, they live their pity lives... they eat, shit, fuck, work and work and work more until they die.

In 2018 I made my last will. Upon my death my body is to be cremated and ashes spread in water and earth. No reminder of my existence should be left. That's my last will.

I have only a few people in my life that I really care for... I love my daughter the most and I try to help her as much as I can.

In my last will I left everything that I have to my daughter.

To find the truth, to see what is real and to lead a genuine life is a goal of everyone. Life is rarely straightforward as we may wish. Life is both profound and simple, yet process of understanding it tends to be very difficult, if not downright complicated.

A great secret of life is that we exists not in order to achieve something but actually to simplify things. We are here to cut through our crowded thoughts and paranoia, to cut through our confusions and doubts.

 I try so hard to give her the advice about life. 

Two huge mistakes we make in life!

The heart of all confusions is that we have a sense of self which seems to us to be continuous and solid. When a thought or feelings or event occurs, there is a sense of someone being conscious of what is happening.

The sense of self is actually imagination, transitory and discontinuous "thing". So we end up with this confused view as being real, we struggle to maintain it and do everything possible to enhance this "solid" sense of self. We try to feed it with pleasures and shield it from pain.

So our life became endless pursuit of physical comfort, security and pleasure. We've organized society in this way - we try to control the nature, we fear change, we try to avoid irritations at all costs.

We always search for the "reason", why things happen the way they happen. We try to rationalize, justify, find set of rules, find interpretation of how and why things happen as they do. And doing that we actually do not see things as they are.

Our interpretation of reality is taken too seriously, so our world looks very much static and rigid place to live in. Such a solid world reassures us that we are a solid, "something", continuous as well. The world exists so therefore we, the seers of the world, exist.

 We are not progressing anywhere, instead we are just getting older. 

Hopes and expectations are our main enemies!

We must get rid of our hopes and expectations as well as our fears. Drop altogether the idea of security and see the irony of our attempts to secure yourself.

Accept yourself as you are, instead of what you would like to be. Fear, hope, loss, gain, good, bad - these are on-going actions of our current life, the self-maintaining structure of our own self-deception

The truth is... we exists only in the NOW. When we face things as they are we have no hope of something better to come. We actually living.

Give up the memories and imagination and be nothing, understand nothing, do nothing. No one is coming to save you, to the extent that no one is going magically to enlighten you. The life is a lonely road and you travel alone. You may have a companion or not but you must know, no one will take care of you at the end.

The life experiences are your product and living is nothing else but the process of dismantling, undoing, opening, giving up, of everything. It is the end of struggle to be "something". Once you give up the struggle there is no one left to conquire it.

We have to give up trying to defend and improve ourselves.

The world is reflection of ourselves!

All fears come from uncertainty of who we are, from the panic of forgetfulness. We distrust ourselves, feeling that we are inadequate to deal with that mysterious life that is threatening us. What will happen to us?

The world reflects our uncertainty and our fears. The world is a mirror projection of ourselves! Our uncertainty is haunting us. To know this, it is wisdom.

We must enjoy the world and stop being afraid of ourselves by cultivating the good sense of humor. We have to understand and accept our insignificance, stop all seriousness and enjoy life as it comes, from moment to moment.

We must laugh at people making a big deals about small things. We must closely observe our own behavior and laugh about it too. Once we are completely familiar with negative aspects of the state of our being, then we know the "way out"... that's it.

The fear of life is generated from uncertainty of who we are.

Courage and optimism diminish with time.

As you grow older, as time is passing by, you are becoming more and more a coward. With age you lack the courage to do or endure unpleasant things. Some of you appear as cynics but actually you are just timid, easily intimidated person.

The house that you own, the money in retirement fund etc. do not really protect you. It fools you. There is no security or any rest in this world, the picture of old people on the beach is not realistic. It does not show, the pills for high blood pressure, diapers, the lack of sleep, rheumatism etc...

With the age, you start remembering the most embarrassing crap you did in your life with perfect clarity. The kind things you did will be pushed away, you will forget them. The bad things come out from the dirt of subconsciousness. Instead to correct yourself, you start correcting other people in your life, your kids, spouse, neighbors, co workers. With age you have a fleeting sense of superiority over younger people so they start to resent you.

Believe me, nothing worthwhile comes with age.

There’s no meaning to your life, no reward for achieving all the things you've achieved. And please, stop saying that things were better back then in your youth. When you were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Oh well.

Seriously, do whatever the fuck you want!

Trust yourself, really.

Do. Whatever. You Want. The life is your show. It is your universe. Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, you are completely on your own. Everything is available to you. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you. No one else is necessary for you.

Be courageous, enough to fulfill a life fully understanding that there is only a glaring nothingness awaiting you on the other side. Live, fight like it matters...

You are on your life journey. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so the answers to questions Is There Truth in Life? is not applicable. Truth is relative. In my 53 years I have concluded that there is not such thing as truth. Everything that you know is false, there are only lies. You may have concluded something else... Does it really matter?