Friday, July 19, 2019

I am an emotionally unavailable person 😏


While I was reading this article on Elephant Journal: 7 Warning Signs You Could Be Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Man (or Woman)! I got goosebumps.

I'm a simple, straightforward guy and I don't like complications and anything that creates over thinking. The trust is not in my nature. I have a very hard time settling down, and it will take really remarkable woman to keep me around. Does that makes me an emotionally unavailable person?

The article starts so innocently...

These days, it’s easy to have a relationship with someone who you think you have a future with—only to find out that it is really a dead-end romance. Quite often the discovery you make is that the other person is emotionally unavailable or just commitment-phobic.

The author describes reasons of the emotional unavailability...

People can be unavailable for serious love relationships for both healthy and unhealthy reasons. They may have suffered through a troubled childhood experience that has wounded them or they now have higher priorities such as their career or taking care of a sick parent. Perhaps, they are recently divorced or widowed, and legitimately not ready to get involved in an intimate relationship. Then, there are those who are too afraid of taking the risk of falling in love because they have been hurt too much in their previous relationships.

The article then starts to enumerate the signs of an emotionally unavailable person...

1. A Real Charmer. Look out for the person who is quick to flatter and compliment you without really knowing you. Often these people “do” charming (as opposed to “being” charming) and are adept at communicating and appearing enthusiastic and enthralled. It’s a well-rehearsed act. Their focus is on short-term intimacy, appearing to be open, revealing and vulnerable. In reality they prefer the chase to the catch.

I do appear enthusiastic especially on the beginning of relationship. I always want to give a full trust that a new beginning will bring something different and that a new woman is the one right for me.

I've lost a lot of relationships in my life. It all started with divorce. I was "happily" married for 22 years. In last five years, after the divorce, I do have 14 relationship failures. Is there a trophy for that?

2. What They Say. Often emotionally unavailable people will say, “I’m just not good at having a relationship,” or, “I don’t think I’m ready for marriage.” Believe them! In this case, they are not lying. But don’t fall into their trap: there is something terribly seductive about trying to be “the one” who turns them around. Don’t try. Accept their negative pronouncements. This may be the first and only time you’ll hear them speak the truth (as they know it).

This hits me hard. I'm a mixture of fearless man who adores freedom and undisciplined child who make so many mistakes. I'm very easy to be understood. Being confident, spontaneous and independent, I want to be in charge.

I do things for myself, like writing this blog. I don't want to prove anything to anybody. As uncomplicated, bold, aggressive and impulsive, I'm perceived as selfish, insensitive, often so blunt and impatient. So be it.

3. Watch Out for Perfectionists. Emotionally unavailable people tend to be perfectionists, always looking for the fatal flaw or character defect that gives them permission to exit a relationship and move on. In reality, they are debilitated by their own self-criticism and fear of being rejected. They are so frightened of intimacy that eventually they’ll find an excuse for leaving a relationship. (The booby prize is thinking that you’ll ever be good enough to meet their impossible standards.)

Most divorced women over 40 have either spoiled personality or no personality at all. I paid so much physical and mental energy as well as financially, being in a relationship with these women. It makes me wonder, why is relationship so expensive?

Don't get me wrong, I think I am really naive and plane stupid. I don't want a family so I am not looking for a perfect woman. I hope things will magically change but I realized that I’ll never be good enough to meet her standards.

4. Self-Centered Behavior. Beware of someone who operates the relationship as if it should revolve around them. These individuals set the agenda for a relationship, control it, and won’t be inconvenienced by having to modify their routine or the plans they’ve made. This type of emotionally unavailable person is commitment-phobic, and not relationship-oriented. They are inflexible and loathe having to compromise.

Looking at the world purely from my own perspective I see that I am caring, compassionate, team player, and an overall good guy and here deep down in my heart there is a strong thirst for independence.

Every time any of my girlfriend hinted about spending more time with me I felt cold and sick to the heart. I don't wish to leave my freedom of being single for commitment of being with someone.

5. Sexually Fast. Beware of a person who wants to become sexually familiar quickly. Often they are seducers just looking for another conquest. Or, if they are over-focused on sex it may be because they don’t feel they have anything else to offer. Once the relationship becomes too intimate, they’ll cut and run.

I am 54 years old. What I need to wait for? For access to woman's pussy I have to listen over and over their boring and empty social observations, calm down their worries, manage their stress, deal with their whining of insecurity and fight with their craziness and menstrual problems.

The very moment the woman asks me to sit and listen to her, to have "the talk", to discuss her needs, desires and frustrations, wanting to know what I was really thinking and feeling, I felt uncomfortable...

6. Complains about Past Relationships. In a discussion about their past relationships, they will denigrate their former partners. Their relationship break-ups are never because of their behavior or the problems they created. The failures of their unsuccessful partnerships are always based on the faults of their exes. They lack the maturity to take responsibility for their mistakes in their past relationships.

This is so simple. A single woman, 45 and older ask for the extra effort. Simply they required more than they had to give.

Life's not about expecting, hoping and wishing, it's about seeing, acting, doing. It's neither about choices I've made in the past nor the ones I'm about to make in far away future, it's about the things I choose to do - now. It's about what I'm going to do after I finish writing this.

7. Elusive Conduct. They seem to be available only when it’s convenient for them. Your requests for more time with them are met with excuses about how hard they’re working or how tired they feel. Even after a seemingly intimate weekend, they can disappear for long periods with no regular contact. Their actions are incongruent with their words. It’s easy for them to utter an, “I love you,” and then act in a way that is unloving.

Definitely true. What I have to do? I have to deal with them like a hero, not voicing my frustrations and disappointment.

The author finishes with recommendation to the women who are going to date an emotionally unavailable guy...

On the other hand, if you realize you’ve been fooling yourself or ignoring the “red flags” that have been there all along—don’t waste time trying to convert or change them. Just accept that they are not a fit for you. This will take discipline on your part, but it will save you from great emotional disappointment and allow you to be free to meet someone for a healthier relationship that has a future. The choice is yours.

After reading this article I've concluded that I'm not good for relationship. After divorce, my goal is to be emotionally independent of other people. This points out that it is hard for me to love again. The author of this article has forgotten that our LOVE is merely hysteria. We are far from affectionate beings, we have become players wanting something else...

I can spend hours, days and weeks over-analyzing this article; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what I am or I am not... or I can just leave this internet page and move the fuck on...

Thursday, July 18, 2019

I wrote this for you


I gave away my TV and instead I bought a loveseat. I am thankful that I have opportunity to live alone and do whatever I want. Being alone is the best way of living.

My main life's goal is self-realization. My life is not a rush and I am not living in a frantic tempo. Not because I want to, but because I've stopped comparing myself to you. I've stopped competition with you. I am not really interested of what you do.

I am just using "you" as an expression. The bottom line is there is no "you" and there is no "me". It is all imagination.

You are just an object for me, the same as I am an object for you. It is the sense of presence that has identified with the object and then the object imagine that it is a subject. But you and I will never be the subject, there is only the presence.

The unrealistic perception of life is the base of all your problems. I'm rather a nihilistic realist who doesn’t believe neither in God nor in conspiracy theories. You hate the nihilism because its terrifying to you.

You want to hold on to hope and they believe deep down that life has a meaning and a purpose. That's why you turn out toward healthy living, spirituality, yoga, travel... and that, somehow, makes everything easy.

You are so busy that you are barely conscious, you are practically living life in a state of walking dream.

To awaken means to realize one's nothingness, that is to realize one's complete and absolute mechanicalness and one's complete and absolute helplessness. And it is not sufficient to realize it philosophically in words. It is necessary to realize it in clean, simple, and concrete facts, in one's own life. - Gurdjieff


I look at you and I feel so vividly your emptiness, the yearning, the confusion, the lacking of something. Can you realize the meaningless of everything?

Is it extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any intrinsic meaning, that life is essentially meaningless.

It takes courage to live life understanding that no matter what you might accomplish, all will disappear like smoke in the air; that no matter what service you might attempt to perform, it's all useless. 

It sounds boring to say but nothing will happened to you, you will not bother to read my blog, you will not change and you will not understand - you will not understand that "busyness" is pulled over your mind and made you a slave.

You simply refuse to see it. Your daily world, what you take for granted, your day-to-day existence is just a product of your imagination.

You draw unique experiences into your life in order to learn only one thing - that you were wrong about it. This is what an experience really means. You gain knowledge about falseness of everything.

Question your beliefs. Of these the idea that you are the body with the consciousness is the worst. Wake up! You are frightened out of your wits by monsters of your own making.

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Life has no explanations to give you...

May 7, 2019 - Trying suite for wedding party

I don't have old photos. I destroyed all paper photos during a period of my spiritual search. I have done a complete recapitulation of my life and as part of that technique I burned my old photographs so I have no attachment to my past.

It’s been nearly sixteen years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, I had no idea what really matters in life.

At age of 29, I arrived in Canada with my eight months old daughter, my wife and $10K cash. I was learning English and I worked hard as a dishwasher to support family. My wife did not work. After a year of making salads and washing dishes I got my job as a computer programmer. I bought our first condo in 1999 which I paid off ten years later, and just couple of years later I got divorced.

The best photo of 2018 

I hear people of my age talking about retirement, pension plans, and future in general. They are very much afraid of what will happen to them. They are afraid of getting old. I do not worry about such things. What is the future after all? An imagination. The future does not exist, it is just in the mind. People lose present moment worrying about the future, worrying about something that does not exist.

I am free to say that I have discovered the truth - nothing has value in this life. Events arouse desire, fear, anger, and you think it is "you". You get stuck talking to yourself, explaining, hoping, trying to find any meaning in all this.

Life has no explanations to give. It is an empty, meaningless flow of events that just go on and on. Whatever happens has little or no importance. People are born, they live their pity lives... they eat, shit, fuck, work and work and work more until they die.

In 2018 I made my last will. Upon my death my body is to be cremated and ashes spread in water and earth. No reminder of my existence should be left. That's my last will.

I have only a few people in my life that I really care for... I love my daughter the most and I try to help her as much as I can.

In my last will I left everything that I have to my daughter.

To find the truth, to see what is real and to lead a genuine life is a goal of everyone. Life is rarely straightforward as we may wish. Life is both profound and simple, yet process of understanding it tends to be very difficult, if not downright complicated.

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. - Cecil Beaton

A great secret of life is that we exists not in order to achieve something but actually to simplify things. We are here to cut through our crowded thoughts and paranoia, to cut through our confusions and doubts.

 I try so hard to give her the advice about life. 

Two huge mistakes we make!

The heart of all confusions is that we have a sense of self which seems to us to be continuous and solid. When a thought or feelings or event occurs, there is a sense of someone being conscious of what is happening.

The sense of self is actually imagination, transitory and discontinuous "thing". So we end up with this confused view as being real, we struggle to maintain it and do everything possible to enhance this "solid" sense of self. We try to feed it with pleasures and shield it from pain.

So our life became endless pursuit of physical comfort, security and pleasure. We've organized society in this way - we try to control the nature, we fear change, we try to avoid irritations at all costs.

We always search for the "reason", why things happen the way they happen. We try to rationalize, justify, find set of rules, find interpretation of how and why things happen as they do. And doing that we actually do not see things as they are.

Our interpretation of reality is taken too seriously, so our world looks very much static and rigid place to live in. Such a solid world reassures us that we are a solid, "something", continuous as well. The world exists so therefore we, the seers of the world, exist.

 We are not progressing anywhere, instead we are just getting older. 

Hopes and expectations are our main enemies!

Get rid of our hopes and expectations as well as our fears. Drop altogether the idea of security and see the irony of our attempts to secure yourself.

Accept yourself as you are, instead of what you would like to be. Fear, hope, loss, gain, good, bad - these are on-going actions of our current life, the self-maintaining structure of our own self-deception

The truth is... we exists only in the NOW. When we face things as they are we have no hope of something better to come. We are actually living.

Give up the memories and imagination and be nothing, understand nothing, do nothing. No one is coming to save you, to the extent that no one is going magically to enlighten you. The life is a lonely road and you travel alone. You may have a companion or not but you must know, no one will take care of you at the end.

The life experiences are your product and living is nothing else but the process of dismantling, undoing, opening, giving up, of everything. It is the end of struggle to be "something". Once you give up the struggle there is no one left to conquire it.

We have to give up trying to defend and improve ourselves.

The world is reflection of ourselves!

All fears come from uncertainty of who we are, from the panic of forgetfulness. We distrust ourselves, feeling that we are inadequate to deal with that mysterious life that is threatening us. What will happen to us?

The world reflects our uncertainty and our fears. The world is a mirror projection of ourselves! Our uncertainty is haunting us. To know this, it is wisdom.

Enjoy the world and stop being afraid of ourselves by cultivating the good sense of humor. Understand and accept our insignificance, stop all seriousness and enjoy life as it comes, from moment to moment.

Laugh at people making a big deals about small things. Closely observe our own behavior and laugh about it too. Once we are completely familiar with negative aspects of the state of our being, then we know the "way out"... that's it.

The fear of life is generated from uncertainty of who we are.

Courage and optimism diminish with time.

As you grow older, as time is passing by, you are becoming more and more a coward. With age you lack the courage to do or endure unpleasant things. Some of you appear as cynics but actually you are just timid, easily intimidated person.

The house that you own, the money in retirement fund etc. do not really protect you. It fools you. There is no security or any rest in this world, the picture of old people on the beach is not realistic. It does not show, the pills for high blood pressure, diapers, the lack of sleep, rheumatism etc...

With the age, you start remembering the most embarrassing crap you did in your life with perfect clarity. The kind things you did will be pushed away, you will forget them. The bad things come out from the dirt of subconsciousness. Instead to correct yourself, you start correcting other people in your life, your kids, spouse, neighbors, co workers. With age you have a fleeting sense of superiority over younger people so they start to resent you.

Believe me, nothing worthwhile comes with age.

There’s no meaning to your life, no reward for achieving all the things you've achieved. And please, stop saying that things were better back then in your youth. When you were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Oh well.

You are on your life journey. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so the answers to questions Is There Truth in Life? is not applicable. Truth is relative. In my 54 years I have concluded that there is not such thing as truth. Everything that you know is false, there are only lies. You may have concluded something else... Does it really matter?


Saturday, July 13, 2019

7 Brutally Honest Truths


Guess what? These girls... you can't have them. Life is a bitch, it is hard for everyone. It’s not supposed to be easy. If you want a different life, go out and get it. No one is going to change it for you. That is a brutally honest truth.


It nutshell, here are 7 truths about life that you need to see and understand...

1. You’ll stop living some day.

You want to think you are immortal, but you aren’t. You behave like you're immortal, you have no notion of your own death. You always want more and better and you're striving to reach goals, objectives and you're saving for a retirement in order to start living.

Stop wishing away your days and start enjoying what is going on right now.

2. Everyone around you is going to die.

Hug your mom and dad and tell your sister you love her. Hug your partner and tell her that you miss her. Tell people that matter to you that they matter to you. Either you or they won’t be here someday.

Look up from your smartphone, look people close to you into their eyes and tell them that you're grateful to them, grateful for having them in your life.

3. Money is not everything.

You put a price on things and people. You evaluate people of how much money they have. You feel poor even you are never hungry, naked or cold.

No matter how hard you try, money will not buy you happiness. Stop accumulating, life is about living. And stop spending your money on useless crap.

4. You cannot make everyone happy.

Thank you for trying to make people happy. Whatever you do, people will never be pleased with you. If you want to make a real difference in the world, leave them as they are. Don't avoid them, just be with them. Spending time with people impacts them in ways you cannot even imagine.

5. Don't be perfect.

Unless you are living in the here and now, you are wasting your life. Stop accusing yourself, having a guilt of what you have done or regrets what you have not done. Stop chasing tomorrow and start enjoying today.

Standing in front of the mirror pointing out your flaws will make you miserable. Don’t waste another second trying to be perfect, be what you are right now.

6. Trust yourself.

Pay attention to how you feel instead of trying to figure out your thoughts. No one is going to live this life for you. Trust your inner feelings, the gut, your intuition.

All the stuff you're worried about doesn’t really matter. Hopefully, you’ll see that you still have time to do the things you actually wanted to do. Hurry, you might not wake up tomorrow so don’t put off what you can do today until tomorrow. You might not get the second chance.

You will never have enough time. Do the best you can with what you have. But if you want to really enjoy life, you need to get to collect yourself fast and cut the crap out of your life and realize your own bullshit so you can spend time on the things that matter to you.

7. Do whatever fuck you want.

Be your damn self. Don’t be a terrible person. Be nice to others. Be supportive of your friends...

But seriously, do whatever you want!

Do you want a glass of beer? Then just drink a beer. Do you want a piece of chocolate? Don’t be gross about it, and don’t eat a chocolate three meals a day. But I beg you stop beating yourself up about it and just eat.

Do. Whatever. The Fuck. You Want.

The life is your show. It is your universe.

Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, you are completely on your own. Everything is available to you. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you.

No one else is necessary for your success. Good luck.



Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Keep it as simple as possible !!!


Wednesday morning, 6 am, nice summer day in Toronto. I have started liking being alone. Some of you think of “being alone” as a bad thing. It may mean I'm anti-social but actually only by being alone I'm really myself. Since I'm not spending so much time processing the thoughts and feelings of others, it’s the best time to turn my focus on what I really want...


No hope that something better will come

Nothing better will come, getting old sucks big way. Whoever told you that with age you will become smarter lied to you. Fuck it. You were young and stupid and then you are not young anymore.

I really don't like optimism. Overly optimistic people have no clue how the real world works. They are totally fake, soft and weak-minded. They stick their heads in the sand and ignore reality thinking happy thoughts while doing nothing.

On another hand, I am not a pessimist either. I don't expect only bad outcomes, I am not gloomy, joyless and unhopeful. Well, scratch unhopeful. Although I went through so many disappointments, I don't expect the misfortune in my future.


I'm neither a pessimist nor an optimist, I am a realist

I have no clue if being a realist is something good to acquire, but I ended up here, in the middle of  bullshit. What does it mean to be a realist anyway?

Being realistic is not downplaying the good things in life and trying to see the bad as inevitable. I try to make no prejudice for what people believe and how they behave, I try to be impartial, with no judgments. Seldom I succeed.

The attitude is the thing. I'm a realist, and I'm here to set the record straight. Forget those glasses that can be half empty or half full, the glass could be filled to the brim or emptied to the last drop, it depends how thirsty you are, that’s how unpredictable life is. I make sense of the world, and that’s why I have advantage over general population.


We live in the universe where everything get spoiled

I'm going to tell you a small secret of life. Things in life tend to go their own way just up to the certain point and then a little twist happen and things start to deteriorate and again events go until next little twist. In the end, if nothing is done, what was planned became quite different.

Take for example musical scale. The frequencies of vibration of the seven notes of the octave are: Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Si. In this scale, there are 5 “whole tones”, and two smaller tones, so called half-tones Mi-Fa and Si-Do. It is natural representation that things do not go straight and that some other work needs to be done in order to achieve things as they are planned.

In any work where you wish certain outcome you have to recognize the "twists" and put additional effort. Let’s be honest; it’s great to always have a cheerful outlook, but it’s downright stupid to think that’s the only possible outcome. Be prepared for anything.


I don’t trust people

I don't trust anyone. Once upon a time I did that and it turned out to be the one of my biggest disappointment of my life.

Do you think it’s so cute when you meet someone who automatically trusts everyone and believes everyone is full of kindness? Or do you think they’re incredibly naive? Many of you started out that way, until you discovered that not everyone is good inside and that you should have higher standards for who you trust, because some people will destroy you mercilessly to achieve their own agendas.


I don't believe in love

When I meet someone I'm skeptical, open just to the point, it’s not because I honestly believe that every single woman in the world wants to take advantage of me. It’s because I know that a certain percentage of them do, and I want to carefully avoid them.

Everyone has had such people in their life, those persons who call you and want to hang out with you, find out secrets about you, and blabs them all over town. I'm naturally careful about who I let into my life, so I'm on the lookout for sketchy behavior.

It drives me crazy when people tell me that I shouldn’t be so negative or untrusting. Oh, do you want me to change myself? I am being realistic about life and the future, and I know that it helps me get through each day with as few complications as possible.

... keep it simple as possible. 😎