Friday, September 21, 2018

I know the Truth

Friday night, outside is still warm but windy. Weather is changing. Strange night, full of emotions. I bet there are increased number of mental patients on emergency tonight.

I am alone, fully awake, listening to Arabic music, drinking beer and looking, very carefully at old photos, trying to remember where they are taken and how I felt that moment. Some of them I delete. I don't want to feel like that anymore.

I like this photo with my twin sister. We were on my niece wedding party and I felt amazing. My niece's wedding party was really nice. I had a good time. I was dancing all night, my heart was happy.

I felt happiness but at the same time there was a touch of sadness because my mother was not with us. She was looking forward for my niece's wedding. And that is life. One moment sadness next happiness then again comes sadness... One without other is not worth much.

The last think I remember about my mother is... we sat in silence, side by side, for a few moments and then I began to ask her questions, just to fill the silence. “Are you hungry?” No answer. “Are you cold?" No answer. “What are you thinking about?”, she answered me - "Nothing. I don't think about anything." Quietness.

I am missing her. She use to tell me that being a grown-up is awesome. And now that I am an adult, I'm still waiting for that awesome part.

I still feel on the inside very much like a teenage boy. The fact of the matter is I don't know how to grow up, and it seems like everyone around me already has. But they are moments in life when you grow up very quickly, very fast.

This is a true story from my early childhood. The story goes like this:

My mother, a hard-core communist, she was a party secretary for a long time.
My father, a christian, a true God believer. He was going to church regularly.
Me, a five years old, curios kid.

Me: Mother who creates us?

Mother: Oh son, we are created by evolution, first the tiny microbes appeared in the water and then from them, hundred of thousand years later, man evolved.

Me: Father, mother says that we are created from tiny microbes?

Father: Omg, that's not true. Son, God has created us. Ask your mother who created microbes.

Me: Mother, father says that God has created us, He asked you who created tiny microbes.

Mother: (very upset) I know he will say that. Yes, God pissed in the water and microbes are created??? Son, I told you everything is created by evolution. From amebes to the elephant. Ask him who has created God.

Me: Father, mum says that we are created by evolution not by God. Who created God?

Father: (obviously very angry) What evolution? Who created God, what a question? Karl Marx created God??? Stupid thing to ask!!! Of course that God has created everything and there is nothing here except God.

And for me, as a very smart kid, that was enough.

Since then, I know the truth: Karl Marx created God, God pissed in the water, amebes appeared and then everything evolved....

My Spiritual Journey

I am not writing this trying to win your approval or sell you this particular brand of bullshit. On my blog, I am not advising you to meditate, pray or chant. I am not concerned if you do yoga or not. I am not trying to cleanse your chakras or purify your soul or get you happy. I'm certainly not trying to save you. Save from what? From yourself. Impossible.

It’s been nearly sixteen years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, in one word just an asshole. I was struggling with my beliefs with no real sense of what really matters in life. I use to drive BMW and wear expensive clothes...

Around year 2000 a state of inner dissatisfaction appeared, and it culminated in 2001. And that dissatisfaction with life is what I consider to be the most critical first step towards spiritual journey. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea, but I believe it’s a great place for anyone to begin.

You begin spiritual journey by being total asshole and then you proceed step by step to find out that same fact for yourself. 

Some people may be naturally interested in spirituality, work hard to grow as person - to be better person, say sorry when they are done wrong, and similar bullshit; however, they may find it difficult to see the obvious and ugly truth.

I can trace my spiritual journey back to a single decision, one that led me to the life-changing events. I wanted to become Avatar, a saint. Yes, I really wanted that. Suffice it to say, I did not know what that exactly means but I felt it was something good to strive for.

I started with Theosophy. I read Secret Doctrine by Madame Blavatsky and I like it. I needed more. I quite naturally, thought that it is important to understand spiritual teaching. I thought that it is vital that my information be correct and precise. I thought that this enlightenment thing is like school where I have to understand one thing before I can understand the next thing.

Soon I have seen that esoteric stuff does not help much. I was not reaching infinite, I was not pure bliss. So I left theosophy and started to study Gurdjieff and his Fourth Way. The things he discussed I heard it for the first time. He was talking to me. I sincerely practiced self-observation and self-remembrance for a year or so. I was surprised and upset about my own personality and my behavior. I discovered my inner world of lies, fears and frustrations. I discovered my own walking sleep.

Then I started to ask myself consciously questions like: Who am I? Where did I come from? What am I here for? Am I doer or just an actor? Am I at sleep all the time? How can I be awake? Where am I going? I started to reject questions of general society such as “what you do” and “what you have" and replaced them with with questions that get at the purpose and meaning of life.

I discovered Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi and they told me that I need to be... just be. I was in state of complete daze when I read Nisargadatta for the first time. So there I was, in the middle of my desperate search for purpose and meaning, and there was Nisargadatta. His words may not seem profound or earth-shattering to you, but they were for me at that time. They were the beginning of my conscious journey to become Who I Am...

From the very beginning of my spiritual journey I practiced daily meditation in the form of zazen for several years. Sure, I had a spiritual awakening six years ago, and life started to look weird. I believe we have put here by a life forms more intelligent than ourselves; this life could be a hologram or a hallucination or something in between. The truth is I really do not know!

The most common, widely-held fantasy about enlightenment is that it is freedom from suffering, the transcendence of pain and struggle, the land of milk and honey, a state of perpetual love, bliss, and peace. Enlightenment represents the collectively-shared dream of an idealized and perfect world of pure beauty and joy. It is not only New Age fantasy, it is the secret wish of all people. It is our shared dream of salvation. But it is only a fantasy.

- Halfway Up the Mountain: The Error of Premature Claims to Enlightenment, Mariana Caplan

To be quite honest, in a moment of spiritual awakening, I did not quite grasped any truth, there was no explanations. It is simple clarity without many sense. I concluded it is only the start of a journey. There are other questions to be answered. And really, you learn more and more about bullshit as the days go by; with each new disappointment multiple questions disappear.

Four years ago I met my last teacher, Jed McKenna. About 80% of the people who read Jed McKenna’s book, Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing, become fucked up and depressed for about a month after reading it. That is why I am apprehensive about suggesting it to you to read it, yet it is quite frankly the one of the most influential book I have read, and my current life philosophy is based around some of the core concepts of the book.

McKenna cuts through all spiritual bullshit. Everything you do, every identity you create in life, is in fear of the fact that your life has no meaning. Fear that nothing really matters and your living is futile.

You see, in self-discovery there is nothing to discover. Even though I still might see myself on a journey, I am not seeking anything; there is nothing to be found, except that I am an asshole. But I already know that.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Deeper Meaning of Ashtanga Yoga

According to a well-known theory in quantum physics, things exist in accordance to whether there is an observer or not. New mind-blowing experiment confirms that reality doesn’t exist if you are not looking at it. It basically suggests that the knower rises and sets with the known. That in which both the knower and the known arise and set, is beyond time. You are That.

The consciousness appears at birth and it disappears at death. You remain. Consciousness needs your body for its manifestation. That how you became a knower. When life produces another body, another knower comes into being.

As a knower you have a sense of a separate existence. This sense is a reflection in your body of your real self. In this reflection the unlimited and the limited are confused and taken to be the same. To undo this confusion is the purpose of Ashtanga Yoga.

What was born must die. The goal of yoga practice is to find out what is it that never sleeps and never wakes. And you start from this pale reflection, from this sense of 'I'.

Ashtanga yoga, this boring, steady, repetitious practice is keeping you free from contradictions. Call it honesty, integrity, wholeness, you must do it everyday, not go back, undo, uproot, abandon the conquered ground. Tenacity of purpose and honesty in practice will bring you to your goal.

You don't practice to gain "immortality". There is no such thing. When birth and death are seen as two aspects of life, that is immortality. Definitely, immortality is not continuity. Only the process of change continues. Nothing lasts.

To practice Ashtanga yoga as a person leads nowhere. Your existence as a person depends on the existence of the world and it is defined by the others. You cannot possibly say that you are what you think yourself to be! Your ideas about yourself change from day to day and from moment to moment.

Your self-image is the most changeful thing you have. The Ashtanga yoga unmasks your laziness and your imagination about yourself. The practice shows you that your sense of self is utterly vulnerable, at the mercy of a passer by. Nice words, appreciation or an insult, and your image of yourself, which you call a person, changes deeply.

Daily practice of Ashtanga yoga forces you to watch yourself carefully, rejecting all that does not necessarily go with the basic fact: 'I am'. While breathing and focusing your drishti you are left to yourself. You, as a person, fades away, you have no notion of being something, living at, married to, father of, employed by, and so on.

Your usual attitude is of 'I am this'. The practice separates consistently your 'I am' from 'this' or 'that', so you feel what it means to be, just to be, without being 'this' or 'that'.

All your habits go against Ashtanga yoga and the task of fighting them is long and hard sometimes, but the understanding helps a lot. All will come as you practice. Go on the yoga mat and turn within. 'I am' you know. Be with it while breathing those 5 breaths in each asana. There is no simpler and easier way for awakening.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Only few know this secret...

... there isn't one!

There's nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don't live up until their death. They don't honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries and they can't hear it. Most people's deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die.

There is so much that you can learn from Charles Bukowski. He was an alcoholic, a heavy drinker, a smoker. He used to gamble a lot and he loved women so much that he spent all his money on them and of course the booze. He was a writer too.

If you have never read anything from him, you're probably thinking what the fuck, he's the last person you would ever look to learn anything but I am telling you, he is the perfect place to start learning about life.

Nothing was ever in tune. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholicism, weight-lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Back, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice. 

Bukowski didn’t give a fuck about his success as a writer. Even when he was famous, he still read his poetry hammered. He still tried to sleep with every woman he could find. Fame and success didn't make him a better person. He was not any happier then before...


I don't like positive expectations such as be happier, be richer, be smarter, faster, more popular, more productive, be healthier, sexier ... I despise commercials about happy families... you know, like a husband kissing his selfie-ready spouse in the morning... a breakfast, eggs and pancakes with kids and orange juice, newspapers and coffee...

But when you stop and really look such advertisements and then look around yourself, this positive and happy stuff you see all the time is actually attention on what you don't have. It gives you feeling that you are a loser, you perceive your shortcomings and you clearly see your failures. You stand in front of the mirror and repeat bullshit affirmations fooling yourself with wishful thinking.

Ironically, this fixation on the positive is the cause of your suffering. Fuck it! Focusing on what you lack will not improve your happiness, happy person does not feel the need to stand in front of a mirror and repeat that he’s happy.

TV commercials want you to believe that the key to a good life is a nicer job, bigger house, bigger car, a prettier girlfriend, a fucking hot tub with a fucking trampoline for the kids. This society is constantly telling you that to be happy you need more, more and more — buy more, work more, own more, eat more, shit more, fuck more...

You are constantly bombarded with messages to care about your appearance, your wealth, retirement, kids, job... take care about everything, all the time. Have a better vacation than your coworkers, a newer lawn machine from your neighbor and have a longer fucking selfie stick!

And of course... disappointment comes into your life. It is a natural consequence of your way of living, like it is natural for a fox to sometimes eat a rabbit. You get pissed off at the stupidest, simple stuff, and you have no idea why.

If you find yourself giving too much attention about trivial shit that bothers you such as how many likes your new Facebook picture have or how quickly the batteries of your phone die or why did you miss that wonderful sale, why your favorite soccer team lost the game and similar shit... well, you don't have much going on in your life. And that’s your real problem, not the Facebook picture, not the phone, neither the sale nor the fucking soccer game.

Monday, September 17, 2018

Rise up! You chose to!

In street language "turn down for what" is a question used by teenagers. "Turn up" is the act of getting drunk and high and being reckless so "turn down" means sobering up. Turn down for what? is really saying I am fucked up and I don't care no matter what.

Why, Mr. Anderson? 

Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. - The Matrix Revolution

Life has no explanations to give. It is an empty, meaningless flow of events that just go on and on. Whatever happens, has little or no importance. It does not really matter if you agree with me or not.

You are born, you think you live your life but actually you just eat, shit, fuck, and work and work until you die. You leave your kids after you so they do the same...

From where does this society come from? It comes from your home, your family, school, church, and your business. You are the painter and the picture. That is what you have produced.

Is this society the best you can do?

In today's article from World Economic Forum - The world has reached the lowest level of happiness in ten years the author Umberto Bacchi tells us some statistical data about society.

World happiness levels are at their lowest level in over a decade, with the number of people who say they feel stressed and worried rising, according to a survey published on Wednesday...

Gallup surveyed more than 154,000 people in 146 countries on whether they had felt pain, worry, stress, anger or sadness the previous day. It said the global mood was at its gloomiest since the first such survey in 2006.

Turn down for what?

Are you living your life, waiting for the next moment to be better than this one?

Do you associate life with images of perfection? Like... perfect happiness in a perfect family with a plenty of sunshine and vegetables, with a perfect body doing even more perfect yoga asanas, and meditating in perfect green forest pursuing a wisdom to save the rest of humanity?

Every day you are faced with traps that encourage you to take life seriously. You are faced with all kinds of frustrations, turning everyday situations into problems, constantly on the lookout for shit to complain about and worrying about a bunch of things that simply do not matter.

You are very sensitive, your ego is big and you cannot tolerate simple truth. You get offended by rain, by look, gesture, words... especially words. "I am feeling offended" is an epidemic spreading across the world.

It's now very common to hear people say, "I'm rather offended by that." As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... then a whine. "I find that offensive." It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. "I am offended by that." Well, so fucking what. - Stephen Fry

And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re a carrier of the disease. It’s a mental condition whereby your ego grows up to the point where everything offends you. Symptoms may include hurt feelings, indignation, irritability, disappointment, grumpiness and an all-around allergic reaction to anyone who says or does something you don’t like. In one word - seriousness.

You try, you think, you plan, you work, and then there is no achievement. The thing that you desire never happens, it never comes. If life was a static, fixed thing - not dynamic and flowing - then you could achieve what you wanted, but then life would be a death. Life is life because it is dynamic, changing. You cannot predict its course, it is unpredictable. It is dynamic and flowing - always flowing nowhere.

If you are serious, then you cannot flow. Then you are frozen inside; then you become just a dead stone. Then there are resistances around you. You cannot melt, you cannot change as life changes. You have a fixed pattern, a fixed shape, and because of that shape you will resist change. Then you are not flowing with life, you are struggling against it...

- Life is Not Serious, Osho

Yup, the world appears to be fucked up right now. When you watch TV or read the internet news, you are bombarded by not so good, bad and really bad news. Do you have feeling that world is a terrible place? Was it better before?

Rise up! Things aren’t as bad as they seem.

If you think that there is no future for this planet I must say you're totally wrong. The Earth does not care about us. It just moves, flying 30 kilometers per second around sun. The Earth will adapt itself to different form of life and if it is necessary wipe people from its face. Some new mankind will come, not necessarily smarter than us... just different.

Accept the truth that you're living your life semi-consciously. There are plenty of issues that need to be addressed, sure, but things are actually not as bad as you project.

You can’t help it. You're the sense of presence occupied with useless thinking about past and future. You forgot that once you were a conqueror of the world, with enormous drive to live and love and fight... and you had a drive to go to the end of the world... and now, especially in the developed countries, when you have everything, you became a coward, always complaining about things, always on the lookout for threats, always seeing dangers, always dwelling on negative things...

... so you finish with depression, as 80% of the middle aged population of the west is, the horrible images from TV news have strong effect, indeed. It’s all a vicious cycle of negativity that continues to feed into itself, but what can you do, it’s the way you’re programmed.

The world is just fine. Leave it alone. None of this is necessarily true.