Monday, March 18, 2019

Lets talk about love and relationship...


At this point in your life, you have accumulated experiences and life lessons so you can look honestly at yourself. You consider yourself a knowledgeable person but you still wonder in confusion...  

Why are you not happy?

I mean particularly in your relationship, if you have the one.

Forget what you watch in the movies or on TV. A happy relationship isn't anything like what you see there, full of romance, candlelight dinners and a trip around the world.

Ask yourself - What do you truly want?

What do you truly want? That is the crucial question. Not what someone else thinks, not your partner, spouse, family, friends.

No matter how hard you try, you feel that your relationship is not satisfying.

Do you know why?

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what couldn't, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and understand your partner just reinforcing your own limiting belief about yourself.

It is not all about sex, isn't it?

It is really hard to believe but, you are attracted to the things you don’t want anything to do with.

When you’re desperately holding onto a relationship, it’s usually the attachment, not love. Love means happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel alone.

Your relationship is just as you are.

Much of what you see in your relationship, and the world in general, is actually a reflection of your own beliefs. You’re with your partner who leaves you feeling annoyed, nervous, troubled, suspicious, edgy, or in any way uncomfortable.

All that comes from the reflection of your hidden beliefs.

If you’re harboring fears and insecurities, your partner will do noting else but reinforce those, and as a result you’re going to feel uncomfortable around your partner. And that is a reason you are in an uncomfortable relationship.

You can leave relationship, get divorce or whatever, but you cannot leave yourself.

This is a simple truth. In the beginning of a marriage you feel loved and appreciated, because you are conditioned that marriage is something nice and you expect such loving and desiring feelings. Later, things do change.



Saturday, March 16, 2019

"You are" is imagination

 Things are changing but the ignorance stays

I'm dreaming of attaining self-realization. It is this dream, this passion that give me a sense of purpose in my life. If I lose sight of if, I will lose the reason for living. So I keep chasing this dream. That is the most important thing of my life and nothing can come even close to it.

I fight so hard to stay aware and not to lose myself in the labyrinth of daily life, in the long hours at work, in my relationships, in drinking, going out, in all kinds of other stupidities like reading daily news...

I keep my attention on what is important for me and not what others try to impose on me. I declare my willingness to continue chasing the dream of self-realization.

I don't believe that anything and anybody existed prior to myself. I don't believe in history, in evolution, in big-bang universe. I don't believe in personal or technological improvements. I don't believe in religion and church. I don't believe in conspiracy theories and extraterrestrials. Prior to my Beingness nothing was and after my Beingness nothing will be. I stand forever beyond this feeling of "me", beyond this feeling of I, beyond this subtle feeling of "I am".

It does not matter if you really understand what I just wrote here. The bottom line is... there is no "I" and no "you" in final calculation of LIFE.

If you review process of waking up in the morning, you can see that at it's very base is that you do not know yourself, and suddenly the feeling of "you" appears. The moment it appears, on borderline of deep sleep and being awake, in a split second, "you are" sense appears and you start "knowing" yourself by constant stream of thoughts so "you" as a person starts functioning. Your attention gets fixed and you assemble the world as you know it.

The world you assemble is your personal world. No one knows about your world. There are events happening around you and you supply judgement and colors the event with your emotions. You classify everything as good or bad, according to your conditioning. You fail to see that nothing in this life is really true.

Your daily life is certified as a lie when you see this temporary phase of "you are" sense.

This world is based on various personalities, on individual characters. It is pure play which is just happening of itself. You are playing your ignorant part there by imagining yourself as a player. But that is just imagination, there is no player, everything is happening spontaneously.

The sum and substance of life is nothing but to come to a firm decision, make a judgment, about yourself (what you are?) and the world (what is it?) If you pay attention to the world you are good as dead. "You are" is imagination. To see that is the only goal of your life's journey. Take this for granted or investigate for yourself.


Friday, March 15, 2019

People who made it! Made what?


"Hi, How are you?", "Oh, I am excellent, I'm great, how about you?"... I hear this conversation all day long and I see emptiness and meaninglessness in people's communication. All is good, positive attitude everywhere! But if I look at the person with attention, I notice worries and anxiety. It is difficult for me to comprehend why people laugh when they greeting each other. Why pretend?

I suppose this is because the world is as you look at it. If you approach the world with a positive attitude you should see it as a happy and pleasant place. But if you pretend, if you artificially put the mask of positive attitude then what will you see? You only see confusion. Your world is confused and contradictory place.

How to live the life with contentment?

How to be satisfied, to live with the peace of mind? The first thing is obvious, stop pretending. Second, have no expectations. If your expectations are fulfilled you are satisfied if not you are unhappy. So, drop false ideas and see through pretenses!

Our society and culture drill into our heads day and night - people who made it! Made what? Because their name appears on Yahoo news? Maybe they become rich. So what? They are still or even more frightened and confused, they are puppets like the rest of this shitty society. What does it mean, “They made it”? Having a lot of money, a big house and an expensive car have nothing to do with being a success. Do you call that making it?

What "success" really means?

Success in yoga? Having an excellent kapotasana or being a celebrity yoga teacher has absolutely nothing to do with being a success. Nothing! It is totally irrelevant.

You are living in the world of false beliefs, false preconceptions, having the personality based on imagination. You create, project, maintain your own image of reality. You strive and push to improve yourself. Constantly. You have an underlying "truth" and you live according to such "truth". Everything seems so genuine and important but the fact is that you are totally oblivious, totally unaware that there is no such thing as "success" in life.

Have you seen them? Blog posts, articles, books and internet pages about how to get rich, how to change your habits, how to change yourself from a looser (as you are now) and become a winner (something in near or no so near future). Those articles and books are designed to give you a bad feeling about yourself. Nothing else!

I don’t read such articles. Why bother? I don’t care whether they are only talking the talk or they've backed it up with some tangible results. My truth is very simple. If you want to achieve anything in life, everything starts with your health, and there are only three things in this life that you need to keep in mind:

Eat healthy,
Be physically active as much as you can.
Have an adequate dreamless sleep.


The rest of life entirely depends on your ATTITUDE.

You take simple truth and complicate it beyond comprehension. You are pushed to succeed in whatever you do, you follow ridiculous ideals which you will never attain. You follow lies in the name of truth, and display enormous ignorance in the name of knowledge.

You are convinced that things come from the outside and that somehow you must change them. So you are always one step behind, watching the events as they recede...

When you are infected with the 'I-am-the-body' virus; a whole universe springs into being. But when you have had enough of it, you cherish some fanciful ideas about liberation and pursue lines of action totally futile. You concentrate, you meditate, you torture your mind and body, you do all sorts of unnecessary things, but you miss the essential which is the elimination of the person. - Nisargadatta Maharaj

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Life has no explanations to give you...

Monday, March 11, 2019 - Going to beer night

The March of 2019, in 2 weeks I will be 54. Scary shit.

I don't have old photos. I destroyed all paper photos during a period of my spiritual search. I have done a complete recapitulation of my life and as part of that technique I burned my old photographs so I have no attachment to my past.

It’s been nearly sixteen years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, I had no idea what really matters in life.

At age of 29, I arrived in Canada with my eight months old daughter, my wife and $10K cash money. I was learning English and I worked hard as a dishwasher to support family. My wife did not work. After a year of making salads and washing dishes I got my job as a computer programmer. I bought our first condo in 1999 which I paid off ten years later, and just couple of years later I got divorced.

In 2018 I had 25 days at Caribbean...

I hear people of my age talking about retirement, pension plans, and future in general. They are very much afraid of what will happen to them. They are afraid of getting old. I do not worry about such things. What is the future after all? An imagination. The future does not exist, it is just in the mind. People lose present moment worrying about the future, worrying about something that does not exist.

I am free to say that I have discovered the truth - nothing has value in this life. Events arouse desire, fear, anger, and you think it is "you". You get stuck talking to yourself, explaining, hoping, trying to find any meaning in all this.

Life has no explanations to give. It is an empty, meaningless flow of events that just go on and on. Whatever happens has little or no importance. People are born, they live their pity lives... they eat, shit, fuck, work and work and work more until they die.

In 2018 I made my last will. Upon my death my body is to be cremated and ashes spread in water and earth. No reminder of my existence should be left. That's my last will.

I have only a few people in my life that I really care for... I love my daughter the most and I try to help her as much as I can.

In my last will I left everything that I have to my daughter.

To find the truth, to see what is real and to lead a genuine life is a goal of everyone. Life is rarely straightforward as we may wish. Life is both profound and simple, yet process of understanding it tends to be very difficult, if not downright complicated.

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. - Cecil Beaton

A great secret of life is that we exists not in order to achieve something but actually to simplify things. We are here to cut through our crowded thoughts and paranoia, to cut through our confusions and doubts.

 I try so hard to give her the advice about life. 

Two huge mistakes we make in life!

The heart of all confusions is that we have a sense of self which seems to us to be continuous and solid. When a thought or feelings or event occurs, there is a sense of someone being conscious of what is happening.

The sense of self is actually imagination, transitory and discontinuous "thing". So we end up with this confused view as being real, we struggle to maintain it and do everything possible to enhance this "solid" sense of self. We try to feed it with pleasures and shield it from pain.

So our life became endless pursuit of physical comfort, security and pleasure. We've organized society in this way - we try to control the nature, we fear change, we try to avoid irritations at all costs.

We always search for the "reason", why things happen the way they happen. We try to rationalize, justify, find set of rules, find interpretation of how and why things happen as they do. And doing that we actually do not see things as they are.

Our interpretation of reality is taken too seriously, so our world looks very much static and rigid place to live in. Such a solid world reassures us that we are a solid, "something", continuous as well. The world exists so therefore we, the seers of the world, exist.

 We are not progressing anywhere, instead we are just getting older. 

Hopes and expectations are our main enemies!

We must get rid of our hopes and expectations as well as our fears. Drop altogether the idea of security and see the irony of our attempts to secure yourself.

Accept yourself as you are, instead of what you would like to be. Fear, hope, loss, gain, good, bad - these are on-going actions of our current life, the self-maintaining structure of our own self-deception

The truth is... we exists only in the NOW. When we face things as they are we have no hope of something better to come. We are actually living.

Give up the memories and imagination and be nothing, understand nothing, do nothing. No one is coming to save you, to the extent that no one is going magically to enlighten you. The life is a lonely road and you travel alone. You may have a companion or not but you must know, no one will take care of you at the end.

The life experiences are your product and living is nothing else but the process of dismantling, undoing, opening, giving up, of everything. It is the end of struggle to be "something". Once you give up the struggle there is no one left to conquire it.

We have to give up trying to defend and improve ourselves.

The world is reflection of ourselves!

All fears come from uncertainty of who we are, from the panic of forgetfulness. We distrust ourselves, feeling that we are inadequate to deal with that mysterious life that is threatening us. What will happen to us?

The world reflects our uncertainty and our fears. The world is a mirror projection of ourselves! Our uncertainty is haunting us. To know this, it is wisdom.

We must enjoy the world and stop being afraid of ourselves by cultivating the good sense of humor. We have to understand and accept our insignificance, stop all seriousness and enjoy life as it comes, from moment to moment.

We must laugh at people making a big deals about small things. We must closely observe our own behavior and laugh about it too. Once we are completely familiar with negative aspects of the state of our being, then we know the "way out"... that's it.

The fear of life is generated from uncertainty of who we are.

Courage and optimism diminish with time.

As you grow older, as time is passing by, you are becoming more and more a coward. With age you lack the courage to do or endure unpleasant things. Some of you appear as cynics but actually you are just timid, easily intimidated person.

The house that you own, the money in retirement fund etc. do not really protect you. It fools you. There is no security or any rest in this world, the picture of old people on the beach is not realistic. It does not show, the pills for high blood pressure, diapers, the lack of sleep, rheumatism etc...

With the age, you start remembering the most embarrassing crap you did in your life with perfect clarity. The kind things you did will be pushed away, you will forget them. The bad things come out from the dirt of subconsciousness. Instead to correct yourself, you start correcting other people in your life, your kids, spouse, neighbors, co workers. With age you have a fleeting sense of superiority over younger people so they start to resent you.

Believe me, nothing worthwhile comes with age.

There’s no meaning to your life, no reward for achieving all the things you've achieved. And please, stop saying that things were better back then in your youth. When you were young, the life was cheaper, happier and people were nicer. Oh well.

Seriously, do whatever the fuck you want!

Trust yourself, really.

Do. Whatever. You Want. The life is your show. It is your universe. Who else knows about your thoughts and feelings? There is no one else there, you are completely on your own. Everything is available to you. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you. No one else is necessary for you.

Be courageous, enough to fulfill a life fully understanding that there is only a glaring nothingness awaiting you on the other side. Live, fight like it matters...

You are on your life journey. Many of you are on completely different routes than I am, so the answers to questions Is There Truth in Life? is not applicable. Truth is relative. In my 53 years I have concluded that there is not such thing as truth. Everything that you know is false, there are only lies. You may have concluded something else... Does it really matter?


Sunday, March 10, 2019

Let it begin... The greatest shitstorm of your time


It is Sunday, March 10, 2019 the end of the day, the end of the weekend. I am going to tell you something... You do all sorts of things just to get attention. It is so natural, you want to be heard and noticed. In such moments you feel alive. So you fulfill the purpose of life - to be and feel alive.

Life is yours to be spent, not to be saved as D.H. Lawrence said, but do you know how you live? You live like a slave, like a mindless robot going through the motions of life, but not really alive.

If you think you're free because you've some fancy alternative beliefs and outlook, you eat healthy, you do yoga, you don't smoke, you don't eat meat, you have an alternative business, you don't watch TV, you save money and your body for ... retirement.

Well, the alternative lifestyle doesn't make you different from the rest of the crowd. They do exactly the same in their own way. You're only dreaming that you're different. You don't recognize this so you think you're unique and no hope for you to change really exist.

Your thinking and your beliefs are the cause of your failure. You don't see what's perfectly obvious. You do things to earn money, to get rid of stress and to have a happy life. Smoke and mirrors! By having a lots of money, a large house and a new car are things to keep you fooled and they maintain your self-deception. Your happiness is ill-defined: it's about acquiring it, it's not about enjoying it. But you don't have a time for the enjoyment anyway.

You think that a "soul" or a "spirit", is necessary to do what you do and live as you live. But perhaps it is just enough to have a key for winding up the spring of your mechanism. Your daily portion of food help you to wind up and renew your purposeless web of associations again and again. From this background separate thoughts are selected with attempt to connect them into a whole and pass them off as a valuable and as your own.

You pick up feelings and sensations, moods and experiences and out of all this you create the mirage of inner life, call yourself conscious and reasoning being, talk about yoga, meditation, God, about eternity, about eternal life and other "high" matters. You speak about everything imaginable, judge, discuss, define, evaluate but you omit to speak about yourself, about who you really are, about your real value, for you are convinced that if there is anything lacking in you, you can buy it or you can learn it...


Alice came to a fork in the road.

"Which road do I take"? she asked.
"Where do you want to go"? responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know." Alice answered.
"Then", said the cat. "it doesn't matter".

- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

You are not going anywhere! You're only convinced yourself that you are going somewhere. Yeah, you are waiting for a perfect retirement, with a lot of sunshine and long walks on the beach. So you watch what do you eat, I hear you. You are self-conscious...

The subtext of your current life is in a future. You are missing the present, you are really missing the life but so what. Take care of your Facebook page, world peace, your health, prosperity, and so on.

Your life is like a race car without an engine. It looks very cool, large house, a good job, happy kids... but it has no engine. You can slip in behind the wheel and make whroom sounds and turn the wheel and shift gears and pretend you're rocketing toward retirement. But when you get tired of it in five or ten years, you'll get out of that exactly where you got into it. Lonely, tired and disappointed. You missed the awakening my friend.

You see, the awakening is neither no mind, blank mind, empty mind nor stopped mind. Awakening is not Nirvana. Nir means not or without and vana means a flame. Desire-less mind is an oxymoron. Awakening is not The Now. Awakening is neither the Oneness nor any other transcendental state, such states of consciousness are experiences. Awakening is not the Ethereal Bliss. Awakening is neither a special status nor some kind of attainment.

You are awake when you clearly see that your beliefs, knowledge, understanding, experience, the world, your life, your relationships... none of it, means anything. When you see that, it begins... The greatest shitstorm of your time.