Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Waiting for Godot

We waited and waited. All of us. Didn't the shrink know that waiting was one of the things that drove people crazy? People waited all their lives. They waited to live, they waited to die. They waited in line to buy toilet paper. They waited in line for money. And if they didn't have any money they waited in longer lines. You waited to go to sleep and then you waited to awaken. You waited to get married and you waited to get divorced. You waited for it to rain, you waited for it to stop. You waited to eat and then you waited to eat again. You waited in a shrink's office with a bunch of psychos and you wondered if you were one. - Charles Bukowski

Wednesday night, couple minutes passed 7 PM... As I sit with my coffee this moment, I'm thinking about events of this week and I am writing this article with an empty feeling of indifference.That is inside. Outside I look like very busy fellow. I started a new project at home. I am building e-commerce web application template and that occupies my free time. You can see it at

I want to tell you a secret... there isn't one! Only few know this. There is no big secret of life.

We are conditioned to think we are on some kind of journey. We are thinking that we are progressing, improving. We're waiting for success, we want to become rich, to be famous, to be smart and that is causing a feeling of lack, of not-so-good-enough or whatever. So, what we're actually doing... we are making ourselves unhappy.

I have never hit that magical point where I figured out exactly what I really want to do with my life. I have no clue what I'm doing, and I embarrass myself, repeatedly. This morning I've spent $300 on SSL, Web hosting, Cloudflare accounts even I am not sure if will ever finish my project. But I laugh at myself knowing very well that my laugh is useless too.

Have you watched Waiting for Godot?

If you did not ... Waiting for Godot, published by Samuel Beckett in 1949, is a play in which two characters (Estragon and Vladimir) are waiting for someone who never comes. If you want to impress someone, you say Waiting for Godot explores themes of existentialist philosophy. The emptiness and randomness of the plot causes the audience to wonder is there any meaning in the play – or in life.

At one moment Estragon asks Vladimir what it is that he has requested from Godot:

VLADIMIR: Oh ... nothing very definite.
ESTRAGON: A kind of prayer.
VLADIMIR: Precisely.
ESTRAGON: A vague supplication (asking or begging for something).

Sounds familiar? That is what we do all our life.

If someone asked me to describe life in one word, that word would be... WAITING.

Our whole life we are waiting for something. We're waiting for the dawn, birthday, holiday, train, children, summer, Friday, payment, vacation, recognition, dinner, enlightenment, love, new year, answer, smile, call, truth, destiny, death ...

I have stopped waiting for Godot.

I don't really wait for anything anymore. I have no ambition, nowhere to go, no one to be or become. I don't need to distract myself from anything or convince myself of anything. There is nothing that I think isn't as it should be, and I have no hope that things will be better. I have nothing to hope for.

I don't seem to be bored or unhappy about it, so I guess it is weird.

The Waiting for Godot plays quickly because it gives situations which don't offer anything. Thus the main theme of the play and the meaning of life is set in two sentences:

ESTRAGON: Nothing to be done.
VLADIMIR: I'm beginning to come round to that opinion.

Saturday, October 26, 2019

If you have nothing else to read...

If you have nothing else to read... you can look my photos. 😛

I am not writing this blog trying to win your approval or sell you this particular brand of bullshit. On these posts, I am not advising you to meditate, pray or chant. I am not concerned if you do yoga or not. I am not trying to cleanse your chakras or purify your soul or get you happy. I'm certainly not trying to save you. Save from what? From yourself?

It’s been 18 years since I started out on the conscious spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was pushy, loud, confident, in one word just an asshole. I was struggling with my beliefs with no real sense of what really matters in life. I use to drive BMW and wear expensive clothes...

Around year 2000 a state of inner dissatisfaction appeared, and it culminated in 2001. And that dissatisfaction with life is what I consider to be the most critical first step towards spiritual journey. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea, but I believe it’s a great place for anyone to begin.

You begin spiritual journey by being an asshole and then you proceed step by step to find out that same fact for yourself. 

Some people may be naturally interested in spirituality, work hard to grow as person - to be better person, say sorry when they are done wrong, and similar bullshit; however, they may find it difficult to see the obvious and ugly truth that they are uninteresting peace of empty personas.

I can trace my spiritual journey back to a single decision, one that led me to the life-changing events. I wanted to become Avatar, a saint. Yes, I really wanted that. Suffice it to say, I did not know what that exactly means but I felt it was something good to strive for.

I started with Carlos Castaneda and David Icke and later the Theosophy. I read Secret Doctrine by Madame Blavatsky and I like it. I needed more. I quite naturally, thought that it is important to understand spiritual teaching. I thought that it is vital that my information be correct and precise. I thought that this enlightenment thing is like school where I have to understand one thing before I can understand the next thing.

Soon I have seen that esoteric stuff does not help much. I was not reaching infinite, I was not pure bliss. So I left theosophy and started to study Gurdjieff and his Fourth Way. The things he discussed I heard it for the first time. He was talking to me. I sincerely practiced self-observation and self-remembrance for a year or so. I was surprised and upset about my own personality and my behavior. I discovered my inner world of lies, fears and frustrations. I discovered my own walking sleep.

Then I started to ask myself consciously questions like: Who am I? Where did I come from? What am I here for? Am I doer or just an actor? Am I at sleep all the time? How can I be awake? Where am I going? I started to reject questions of general society such as “what you do” and “what you have" and replaced them with with questions that get at the purpose and meaning of life.

I discovered Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi and they told me that I need to be... just be. I was in state of complete daze when I read Nisargadatta for the first time. So there I was, in the middle of my desperate search for purpose and meaning, and there was Nisargadatta. His words may not seem profound or earth-shattering to you, but they were for me at that time. They were the beginning of my conscious journey to become Who I Am...

In May 2006 I had my first yoga class with Dharma Mitra at Yoga Conference here in Toronto. Since then I found that ashtanga yoga is my thing and ever since then, I am doing half primary almost every day.

Also I practiced daily meditation in the form of zazen for several years. Sure, I had a spiritual experiences when life started to look weird. I believe we have put here by a life forms more intelligent than ourselves; this life could be a hologram or a hallucination or something in between. The truth is I really do not know!

The most common, widely-held fantasy about enlightenment is that it is freedom from suffering, the transcendence of pain and struggle, the land of milk and honey, a state of perpetual love, bliss, and peace. Enlightenment represents the collectively-shared dream of an idealized and perfect world of pure beauty and joy. It is not only New Age fantasy, it is the secret wish of all people. It is our shared dream of salvation. But it is only a fantasy.

- Halfway Up the Mountain: The Error of Premature Claims to Enlightenment, Mariana Caplan

To be quite honest, in a moment of my unusual spiritual experiences, I did not quite grasped any truth, there were no explanations. It was simple clarity. I concluded it is only the start of a journey. There are other questions to be answered. And really, you learn more and more about bullshit as the days go by; with each new disappointment multiple questions disappear.

Four years ago I met my last teacher, Jed McKenna. About 80% of the people who read Jed McKenna’s book, Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing, become fucked up and depressed for about a month after reading it. That is why I am apprehensive about suggesting it to you to read it, yet it is quite frankly the one of the most influential book I have read, and my current life philosophy is based around some of the core concepts of the book.

McKenna cuts through all spiritual bullshit. Everything you do, every identity you create in life, is in fear of the fact that your life has no meaning. Fear that nothing really matters and your living is futile.

You see, in self-discovery there is nothing to discover. Even though I still might see myself on a journey, I am not seeking anything; there is nothing to be found. Now I just do ashtanga yoga and try to be humble and aware in interaction with others. That's it.

Friday, October 25, 2019

Make one dream come true

You only live twice or so it seems.
Once for yourself and once for your dreams.
You drift through the years and life seems tame.
Till one dream appears and freedom's its name.
And freedom's a stranger, who'll beckon you on.
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.
This dream is for you so pay the price.
Make one dream come true.

I would like you to do something now. I would like you to suspend judgment. Please, don't come here to read my blog with your common sense. You will never find out what I'm writing about if you come to dis blog just to see am I writing about personal things.

To hurt me, you can say - I have read your posts and they are infantile. You're are boring. Don't write that way. It's useless...

Okay, I get it, but today I want to tell you that common sense and wishful thinking are killing you. You hold onto them with all your strength without even noticing.

I don't go around and talk this to people. For a moment, I'm here on this blog. A year, maybe two... then I'll delete everything, just like I did for my first blog "exploring dreamstate".

I'm not needy of your attention, in fact, I don't need anything. I don't need your likes. I am a straightforward story teller. So I do this for me at first place and I see you as a witness. That's all.

It is my game. I am a chauffeur. I do not lead a double life. I live this life. There is no gap between what I say here and what I do. I am not here to set you the way I am, or to be entertaining. What I am writing about today are the views from other way of life. So don't be offended!

See, you always leave a safety valve in your life, whatever you do you go like "If all else fails, I can work at Amazon". You don't take a responsibility that you are alive, here and now, you are already a loser with losers' scenarios in mind.

Do you want to live like your parents? Do you want to die like your grandfather? What are you going to do to avoid dying that way? I know the answer - Nothing. A terrifying moment. This is going to hunt you.

I say don't be offended. Please! Please love me!

That's what you are. So cautionary, so weak. Masturbatory. In fact you are sublime, but your insane way of life made you running on empty... you have no energy to see it.

Let me see if you can get this... When I write "house" or "book" or "United Nations", in your mind, you invoke a universe of detail with a single word; that's magic. See, you're visual creator of the universe.

You could lick the house, smell it, touch it... and it wouldn't tell you anything. But one word, and you know everything there is to know: the sweet home, real estate opportunity, mortgage or whatever.

You don't even need to look, you already see your spouse and kids sitting inside. Your universe is a string of detail, an avalanche of wishful thinking so actually you don't see the world, you merely interpret it on its own way.

Your interpretation system made you lazy and cynical. What's happened to you? What's "real"? This hard, shitty, meaningless daily world? Are despair of your life real? No. You live with mistaken identity and wrong concepts. See false things in your beliefs and realize that you're in a very bad spot.

The interpretation system can be interrupted, it is learned, not final. You got caught in the details of everyday life. There are options other than your life of habit and repetition. You need to know: There's the burger place! There's the beer place! There's the car wash! If one day one of them isn't there - you go crazy. Don't.

Attention is only what you really have in this life. Your money, house, car etc.. are nothing. You only have attention. And they steal it from you, by routine by busyness and repetition. It is tiring being a common, normal man.

The fullness of your attention counts. Respond to this world with all you have, be fluent, eloquent, with a sense of urgency and be final and elegant. Feel time approaching you. Sense the urgency, there is no tomorrow.

As you are now, you're watching how time recede. You have to turn around and let the time comes on you. That way, there are no wishful thinking, nothing needs explanations, nothing is presupposed, nothing neatly explained.

I will tell you secret. I don't have a a tendency to think about tomorrow, and nothing keeps me chained to the past. My life, even of last year, doesn't exist for me anymore.

I know that first part of my life was a total waste, I was in limbo. The second part of my life was all about the future and imagination; the third, in the past, nostalgia. Only this last part of my life is now. That's where I really am.

And where you are? You are still looking for "love", "friendship" and "companionship." You wake up in the middle of the night crying, "Does my darling loves me?" You say... there's still so much that you want to do! What do you mean? Are there still people you want to fuck? And I am right. That's how you are.

You have never learned how to love and how could you? They never taught you about love. They taught you how to seduce, to kiss, to envy, to fuck and hate. You don't even love yourself, otherwise you wouldn't have put yourself to live this life full of neuroses.

All your worries are by products of what you say by your mouth... I gotta have that toy! I need it! I need it now! You are thinking you're the hottest dick or pussy in town. You have never seen your life from the observer point, you have never had time for that.

Recapitulate your past... start with sexual encounters. Remember it, see it again, see the sheets, the furniture, the dialogue. Then get to the person, the feeling. What were you feeling? Watch! Don't analyze, just observe... you'll be shocked; you'll see patterns of repetition that will shock you. Who is sponsoring your insanity? Who is making the agenda and priorities in your life?

And that's the inner you - pathetic, awkward, and unloved. All you can do is put on an appearance of confidence sometimes. And after a while, others start to believe you because they are just the same as you.

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Interview with U.G Krishnamurti

U.G Krishnamurti, an enigma - a person who defies all classifications - a philosopher, a Non-guru guru, call him as you wish. Once you have read even a few words of his, your understanding will never be the same.

What am I actually searching?

- You search The Natural State. It is a state of great sensitivity - but this is a physical sensitivity of the senses, not some kind of emotional compassion or tenderness for others. There is compassion only in the sense that there are no 'others' for me, and so there is no separation. Whether you are interested in Moksha, Liberation, Freedom, Transformation, you name it, or you are interested in happiness without one moment of unhappiness, pleasure without pain, it is the same thing.

What I need to get that sensitivity? Knowledge?

-The knowledge creates the experience, and the experience strengthens knowledge. This is a vicious circle. The questioner is nothing but the answers. That is really the problem. We are not ready to accept this answer because it will put an end to the answers which we have accepted for ages as the real answers. Anything you experience based on knowledge is an illusion.

Is there Truth after all?

- There is no such thing as truth. The only thing that is actually there is your 'logically' ascertained premise, which you call truth. The body does not exist except as a thought. There is one thought. Everything exists in relation to that one thought. That thought is 'me'. Anything you experience based on thought is the illusion.

I see... I am not ready yet?

- You are not ready to accept the fact that you have to give up. A complete and total surrender. It is a state of hopelessness which says that there is no way out... Any movement in any direction, on any dimension, at any level, is taking you away from yourself... Only if you reject all the other paths can you discover your own path? Food, clothing, and shelter- these are the basic needs. Beyond that, if you want anything, it is the beginning of self-deception. Be selfish and stay selfish' is my message. Wanting enlightenment is selfishness. Charity is selfishness.

What about the world? Can I change it for the better?

- I am not in conflict with the society. I am not interested in changing it. The demand to bring about a change in myself isn't there anymore. So, the demand to change the world at large is not there. I suffer with the suffering man and am happy with the happy man... all our experiences, spiritual or otherwise, are the basic cause of our suffering....

There seems to be no way out?

- You have to be saved from the very idea that you have to be saved. You must be saved from the saviors, redeemed from the redeemers. When you know nothing, you say a lot. When you know something, there is nothing to say. You have to touch life at a point where nobody has touched it before.Nobody can teach you that. I am always emphasizing that somehow the truth has to dawn upon you that there is nothing to understand.

What are you trying to say?

- What I am trying to say is that there is no individual there at all. There is only a certain gathering of knowledge--which is thought - but no individuality there. You mistakenly believe that by pursuing the spiritual goal you will somehow miraculously make your material goals simple and manageable. We are not created for any grander purpose than the ants that are there or the flies that are hovering around us or the mosquitoes that are sucking our blood.

- It is fear that makes you believe that you are living and that you will be dead. What we do not want is the fear to come to an end. That is why we have invented all these new minds, new sciences, new talks, therapies, choiceless awareness and various other gimmicks.

- Boredom is a bottomless pit. As long as you think that there is something more interesting, more purposeful, more meaningful to do than what you are actually doing, you have no way of freeing yourself from boredom.

- You forget that everything you have around you is the creation of thought. You are yourself born out of thought, otherwise, you would not be here at all. In that sense, the thought has a tremendous value, yet it is the very thing that will destroy you.

Monday, October 21, 2019


 Photo of Alena Natalia Charow

For the West the Eastern philosophy has always been the land of great mystery, enigmas and misunderstanding. About India in particular many legends and fantastic tales have existed and still exist, mainly about Indian sages, philosophers, fakirs, yogis and saints.

Have you read the Autobiography of a Yogi, the book by Paramahansa Yogananda? Even it has been sold in millions of copies and is "beloved" around the world by those interested in yoga and spirituality, I could not finish reading it. For me, it is pointless and disappointing collection of second hand stories.

However, it is true that in India, besides the knowledge contained in the scriptures, Vedas and Vedanta, there is a secret knowledge concealed from the "uninitiated". Besides the known books there are well kept hidden secret teachings... and there, there is the teaching of Ashtanga Yoga.

The science of Ashtanga Yoga

Thousands of years ago the sages of ancient India knew that the powers everyone of us posses can be greatly increased by means of right training and by control of our body, mind, attention, will, emotions and desires.

The basic idea was that in ordinary life and in ordinary circumstances our powers are dormant but can be awakened and developed by means of a certain mode of life, by certain exercises, by certain work upon ourselves. The one of those methods is what is called Ashtanga Yoga. 

An acquaintance with the ideas of Ashtanga enables us first to know ourselves better, to understand our latent capacities and inclinations, to find out and determine the direction in which we ought to be developed; and second, to awaken our latent capacities and learn how to use them in all paths of life.

Ashtanga Yoga falls into two parts

The theoretical part and the practical part. The theoretical part aims at setting forth the fundamental principles of our worldly behavior. The practical part teaches the right way of daily yoga asana practice.

I must say that even the theoretical part can never really be learned from books. Books can at best serve as reminders only for the purpose of remembering, the study of the ideas of Ashtanga requires direct oral explanation.

As regards the practical part, very little I can say in writing. There are books containing attempts at an exposition of the practical exercises of Ashtanga Primary Series, they cannot possibly serve as a manual for practical and independent work.

What the authors of those books forgot is that Ashtanga Yoga helps us in our struggle against the deception of words, shows us clearly that a thought expressed in words cannot be true, that there can be no truth in words, that at best they can only hint at right body alignment, nothing else.

Ashtanga Yoga teaches the way to find the hidden truth concealed in things, in the actions, in the boredom of daily exercise we find the way to our True Self.

Ashtanga Yoga teaches us the way to do rightly everything that we do

Only by studying Ashtanga can we see how wrongly we have acted on all occasions in our life; how much of our strength we have spent quite uselessly,  attaining only the poorest results with an enormous expenditure of our energy.

Ashtanga Yoga teaches us the principles of the right economy of our own energy - the forces. It teaches us to be able to do whatever we do, consciously. This immeasurably increases our powers and improves the results of our work. The study of Ashtanga first of all shows us how greatly we have been mistaken about ourselves.

We become convinced that we are far weaker and much more insignificant than we have considered ourselves to be, and at the same time that we can become stronger and more powerful. We see not only what we are, but what we may become. Our conception of life, of ours place, role and purpose in life.

We begin to understand our aim and to see that our pursuit of this aim brings us into contact with other people going in the same direction. Ashtanga does not seek, as its primary object, to guide us. Ashtanga Yoga only increases our powers in any of the directions of our activity.

Ashtanga Yoga carries enormous power

But this power can be used only in a direction of self-realization. This is  a law which becomes clear to any one who studies Ashtanga Yoga. In everything it touches Ashtanga teaches us to discriminate between the real and the false, and this capacity for proper discrimination helps us to find hidden truths.

At present time, there is no necessity for anything to be kept hidden. The secret teaching is accessible to everyone who wishes but the level of understanding determines how to read. Ashtanga Yoga teaches how to search for truth and how to find truth in everything. 

It teaches that there is nothing that could not serve as a starting point for the finding of truth.

Ashtanga Yoga is not accessible all at once in its entirety. It has many degrees of varying difficulty. This is the first thing to be realized by anyone who wishes to study Ashtanga. The limits of Ashtanga Yoga cannot be seen all at once or from a distance at the beginning of the way.

For us who are doing daily practice new horizons open as we continue stepping on our yoga mat every day. Each new practice shows us something new ahead, something that we have not seen and could not have seen before.

In order to define what Ashtanga Yoga is, study of ourselves and daily practice of asanas are necessary. And that is a closed door.

You may knock if you wish to enter

But until you have entered you cannot know what you will find behind this door. We who have entered the path of Ashtanga Yoga with the aim of reaching its summits must give ourselves up entirely to Yoga, give to Ashtanga all our time and all our energy, all our thoughts, feelings and motives.

We must endeavor to harmonize ourselves, to achieve an inner unity, to create in ourselves a permanent Self, to protect ourselves from continual striving, moods and desires, which sway us now in one direction, now in another.

We must compel all our powers to serve one aim. Ashtanga Yoga demands all this, but it also helps to attain it by showing the means and methods by which it can be reached.