I'm Not Scared, Are You?

When the inevitable truth of aging confronts us in the mirror we don’t react well. "Oh, you don’t look your age!" became a great compliment. I say, fuck that! I am not scared, you're scared.

In my life I have a very simple goal - to attain self-realization. But to accomplish that goal I have to eradicate myself. The "I" who wants enlightenment has to be annihilated. 

It is this shitty "Zee" personality that has to go, it must evaporate and nothing else should replace it. So even my life's goal is very simple it is almost impossible.

I have no big aspirations, I just want to be healthy, do yoga and be aware at all time. Yoga is all that I have to keep me in a good physical and mental condition. 

I have to do long walks across High Park. The walks with quiet mind ready for thinking, aware, but without thoughts.

The majority of the people of my age are overweight, busy with their work, under all kinds of stress, very serious and if they are intelligent, a bit sarcastic. They follow evening news, sports and politics, they watch TV and they go to bed at 11 PM... 

I hate to say this but the more I look at people of my age the more ashamed I am part of this 50-something generation. I'm not buying it. Those, barbecue parties, kids education stories, big houses, big cars, laziness and sluggishness. Simple, I'm not buying their frustrations. Except for the age, I have nothing in common with any of them.

People see life like a roller coaster of ups and downs. They are after chronic search for happiness, always pretending they are happy and successful but deep down disappointed and frustrated. 

They never have time to turn within and see how they exists, what and who is this identity they suppose to have. They decide nothing, there is no choice for them, they live life answering the shocks from the outside. 

They don't know any better, and they don't know the reason why they don't know any better.

An unfortunate pitfall of women in the 50s is that they're disappointed and they feel hurt by life. Kids are left, they're divorced, they are overweight, their sleep pattern is disturbed, they've started drinking, they've started panicking about health issues, they've started asking themselves "is this all there is".

After 50 women have reached maturity, they have a dog in order to have somebody to love them because no one else does that anymore. They have the feeling as if they are unseen and unheard, although they still have hope but dammit if I know what they're hoping for. They are feeling lifeless, sexless and lost in time and space.

I have come to the point of understanding and I openly say - Hey, wait a minute, this life is nuts! I got out of this merry-go-round circle of daily waking up, working and sleeping again. 

Work is not everything in life, it brings money, that's it. I work as much as I need to pay my bills, that's all. I'm not rich, I have no savings or RRSP or pension plan. Fuck that.

I have awareness.  

I hold onto "I AM" sense day and night, observing myself. I create the experience of my reality. I live life trying to erase these glasses that thoughts have made it.  

Daily retrospective, quiet periods of simple awareness, the presence is what I'm after. I don't say meditation but some quiet, alone time is necessary for me.

Socrates said the un-examined life is not worth living. He meant that the stagnated, home-work-home, repetitive life is not worth living. Practically he is saying that most people's lives are not worth the bother. 

I agree, people don't understand that the universe is an interactive game, it will give everyone whatever they want. That is how it works. You don't have to be worthy, but you have to know what it is that you really want.

Unfortunately, if you don't know which road to take, you don't pay attention to the crossroads...  These crossroads are not what you think they are... they are simple points in daily life when you get offended. 

Whenever you get offended by words or by some actions it means you have a strong personality, a strong "character". I know that you suffer a lot. Instead watching and questioning why you have been offended you look and blame others.

I'm not a spiritual guru, an advanced yoga practitioner, a fitness teacher, or a healthy diet teacher, not even a great blog writer. I write here what I'm interested in at present moment. I have no advice for you. 

Do whatever fuck you want to do. 

As for myself, I will continue to investigate "I AM" sense taking care of the present moment...

I know one thing, greater personality more suffering. Give up whatever you have learned, get rid of "what other will think of you". Abide in yourself. You know "you are". How do you know "you are"? Find out. Investigate by being there. Look, focus only on your knowing that "you are".

"You are" is the greatest miracle in this world. When and how "you are". How did it happen? Because of what you know "you are"? Have a firm conviction that "you are" is only simple presence without body and mind, thoughts, beliefs, imagination, it is just a formless knowledge. 

Forget your personality, that false, acquired thing. Get rid of it and you will fear nothing.