And yet...

Blue skies, sandy beach... look, I just named two awesome things. Cuddling, kissing, loving... you know what's awesome? EVERYTHING! Everything is awesome, everything is cool... everything is awesome when you're living your dream.

Am I living my dream? 

Let's suspend judgment. 

My reader,  

you may say you are reading my bullshit and it is infantile. I'm boring. I should not write this shit...  I get it, but I want to tell you that I don't follow your common sense and the constant care what others will think about you. 

Here, on these pages are my feelings, well, mostly my disappointment. This is how I complain to the Universe at large. 

I created this universe exactly 58 years ago. Until then I didn't have this sense of "I" but I existed. Now I've created this false universe and this body in it.

This is the whole point of life, to understand my false creation. I'm here and now, in this exact time and place, to get to know my real self in all this falseness. Self-real-I-zation.

But what I do? Instead to meditate, holding onto the sense of presence, I'm wasting my time on unimportant things.


58 years on this shitty planet - Congratulation!!!

Probably, my friend, you're going to say that I have nothing to complain about. I have a nice, quiet, more or less healthy life, I'm free from worries... And you are quite right. 

I am healthy, doing yoga and roaming the streets of West Bloor Village, mostly from High Park to Jane street and back, keeping myself fit.

I have no close family here, and my beautiful daughter is everything to me. She is living on her own, I would say she is a happy young woman.

I have a girlfriend I love and she loves me. True, we're in a long distance relationship, but things are going to change next year. In a month we will meet in Malaga, Spain, I have already bought tickets and Airbnb accommodation. Yes, we are traveling a lot and yes, we're having a time of our life.

I have a nice job, who provides me both the money and satisfaction for my creativity. I'm a contractor, free from full time employee's bullshit like performance reviews, unnecessary social meetings etc... I work that's what I do, I fill out my timesheets and I get paid. That's it. I do job on my own schedule enjoying what I do.

Finally, I have my drinking buddies, I go out laugh, drink and have a fun...

And yet... 

I feel deep inside myself longing for something else. Not that I am not satisfied with things as they are, but somehow I find it all superficial and false. 

This deep inner dissatisfaction in my heart sometimes, suddenly, takes me over and I shiver on the thought that I am wasting my time.

I don't think good things will come, getting old sucks big way. But it is not that that bothers me, I see so clearly the emptiness and meaninglessness of this life. That can be so funny for you because you don't get truth. I am utterly alone in this understanding and that's fine. Let it be. 

I may be sad, but even in my sadness, this life I'm having right now just goes on, from event to event, is false.

If you ponder what I'm talking about here you may be terrified. You'll see how painfully harsh and tough truth is. The realization that your life is not real might shock you. 

Even now as I post this I find myself concerned have you understood this post in a correct manner. But know well, this isn’t really written for you... it’s written for me.