And yet...

Blue skies, sandy beach... look, I just named two awesome things. Cuddling, kissing, loving... you know what's awesome? EVERYTHING! Everything is awesome, everything is cool... everything is awesome when you're living your dream.

I'm living a dream

You may say you are reading my bullshit blog and it's infantile posts. Maybe, I'm boring. I should not write this shit... I get it, but I want to tell you that I don't follow your common sense and the constant care what others will think about you.

I really don't give a shit for what you think about me. Here, on these pages are my feelings, well, mostly my disappointments; the good feelings are difficult to write about. This is a way how I complain to the universe at large.

I created this universe 59 years ago. Until then nothing existed. I didn't have the sense of "I". Now, with the "I" sense I've created this universe and this body in it.

This is the whole point of life, to understand that my creation is the false creation. I'm here and now, in this exact time and place, to get to know my real self in all this falseness. Self-real-I-zation.

To get it, I do certain things, the things most of people don't bother about. I look at my life like an outside observer, I meditate, holding my attention onto the sense of presence, I'm not wasting my time on unimportant things.

Life is a journey, not a destination and yet...

I feel deep inside myself longing for more spirituality. I am satisfied with things I have now, but somehow I find it superficial... I want to share my happiness and my calmness with others; I want to laugh more with others.

It makes me so sad that people suffer. Pain is physical feeling that you have to pay attention to, but suffering is all mental problem, completely unnecessary. This deep inner dissatisfaction in my heart sometimes, suddenly, takes me over and I shiver on the thought that I am also wasting my time.

I don't think good things will come, getting old sucks big way. But it is not that that bothers me, I see so clearly the emptiness and meaninglessness of life. That can be so funny for you because you don't get it yet. I wonder, am I utterly alone in this understanding?

I may be sad or happy, but even in my sadness or happiness, this life I'm having right now just goes on, from event to event.

If you ponder what I'm talking about here you may be puzzled. You may see how painfully harsh and tough truth is. The realization that your life is not real might shock you.

How to live an unreal life? ... you just accept things as they come.