Like in the early 30s

Being in your late 50s means being at a point in your life where you're old enough to know what you want, but not so young enough to still go after it. You have no energy to make your dreams a reality. It's a time to understand that your mistakes are here with you, forever.

Last night was crazy. I was with my friends at Rock Pile in East Mall, Etobicoke and we had a blast. I did not drink too much, maybe 3 beers but I was full of energy and good feelings. Together with my friends I felt we are in early 30s.

I have been in pursuit of a variety of goals and purposes in my life, including spiritual ones. It seemed there was so much opportunity, so much knowledge, and so much time in which to give the meaning to my life, for it to become something better, something worthy.

I used to believe that there are people who actually live happy life. In my ignorance I thought these people had obtained and owned something that made them special and totally different from me. 

These misconceptions sprang from some image I held of how a state of happiness should look. I was not yet able to see that happiness has nothing to do with the idea of perfect life.

For a long time my life purpose was hope of better things to come which inspires me to struggle and strive, resist and persist in order to keep my direction. Purpose and hope gave me energy and the will to succeed. But of course, in the universe of opposing forces I often met confusion, hopelessness and despair. 

Eventually, the swinging pendulum of endless encounters with expectation and disappointment, effort and inadequacy, apparent strength and weakness, play their part in the awakening from this dream called life. 

In the life, purposes and goals are perfectly appropriate, but there is so much attachment and expectations that surrounds them that all seems so joyless in some way. Fuck that.

While I remain within my own experience of being separate individual living a life that I can't negotiate, I live in a state of dreaming. In this dream state, all that I do is governed by the law of balance in which my positive act is equally balanced by its opposite.

All of my attempts to give my life more meaning, to reach perfection or to attain liberation, are effectively neutralized by my own behavior. 

I discovered, through deep reflection, that, in reality, I'm living in a circle. I am on a wheel on which everything is continually repeating itself over and over again in different images.

Despite what I believe about my individuality and free will, I come to see that I am only dreamed character reacting and responding from a set of conditioned belief systems. 

I have concluded that life is not a task. There is absolutely nothing to attain except the realization that there is absolutely nothing to attain.