They'll spit on you

Being in late 50s means being at a point in your life where you're old enough to know what you want, but not young enough to go after it. It's a time to understand that your mistakes you made during life are here with you, forever.

I have been in pursuit of a variety of goals and purposes in my life, including spiritual ones. It seemed there was so much opportunities, so much knowledge to be acquired, so much meaning to everything I did, to became something better, something worthy.

I believed that there are people who actually live happy life. In my ignorance I thought these people had obtained and owned something that made them special and totally different than me. 

These misconceptions sprang from an image I held of how happiness should look. I was not yet able to see that happiness has nothing to do with the idea of perfection - nice body, good food, perfect marriage, lots of travel etc..

For a long time my life purpose was hope of better things to come which inspires me to struggle and strive, resist and persist in order to keep my direction. Purpose and hope gave me energy and will to succeed. But of course, in the universe of opposing forces I often met confusion, lethargy and despair. 

Eventually, the swinging pendulum of endless expectation and disappointment, effort and inadequacy, apparent strength and weakness, play their part in my awakening from this dream called life. 

In life, purposes and goals are perfectly appropriate, but there is so much attachment and expectations that surrounds them that all seems so joyless in some way. Fuck that.

All of my attempts to give my life more meaning, to reach perfection or to attain liberation, are effectively neutralized by my behavior. 

I discovered, through deep reflection, that, in reality, I'm living in a circle. I am on a wheel on which everything is continually repeating itself over and over again in different images.

Despite what I believe about my individuality and free will, I come to see that I am only dreamed character reacting and responding from a set of conditioned belief systems. 

Everything in the society we are living in is conditioned. The most terrifying is that our love is conditioned. It is a small distance between love and hate.

Once a woman turns against you, forget it. They can love you, then something turns in them. They can watch you dying in a gutter, run over by a car, and they'll spit on you.  ~ Charles Bukowski, Women

I have concluded there is absolutely nothing to attain in life except maybe this realization that there is absolutely nothing to attain.