Being in late 50s means being at a point in your life where you're old
enough to know what you want, but not young enough to go after it. It's a
time to understand that your mistakes you made during life are here with
you, forever.
I have been in pursuit of a variety of goals and purposes in my life,
including spiritual ones. It seemed there was so much opportunities, so much
knowledge to be acquired, so much meaning to everything I did, to became
something better, something worthy.
Are there people who actually live a happy life?
In my ignorance I thought some people really live a happy life but, as may I
wish, I cannot find such people. People who had obtained and own something
that made them special does not make them happy.
My misconceptions sprang from an image I held of how happiness should look.
Now I see that happiness has nothing to do with the idea of perfection -
nice body, good food, perfect marriage, lots of travel etc..
Hope of better things to come
For a long time my life purpose was
hope of better things to come which inspires me to struggle and
strive, resist and persist in order to keep my direction.
Purpose and hope gave me energy and will to succeed. But of course,
in the universe of opposing forces I often met confusion, lethargy and
despair.
Eventually, the swinging pendulum of endless expectations and
disappointments, efforts and inadequacies, apparent strength and weakness,
play their part in my awakening from this dream called life.
I was living in a circle
In life, purposes and goals are perfectly appropriate, but there is so much
attachment and expectations that surrounds them that all seems so joyless in
some way.
All of my attempts to give my life more meaning, to reach perfection or to
attain liberation, are effectively neutralized by my behavior.
I discovered, through deep reflection, that, in reality, I was living in a
circle. And, I am still on a wheel on which everything is continually
repeating itself over and over again, the same things but in different
images.
I'm a dreamed character!
Despite what I believe about my individuality and free will, I come to see
that I am only a dreamed character reacting and responding from a set of my
conditioned beliefs.
Everything in the society is conditioned. The most terrifying is that our
love is conditioned too. It is a small distance between love and hate.
Once a woman turns against you, forget it. They can love you, then something turns in them. They can watch you dying in a gutter, run over by a car, and they'll spit on you. ~ Charles Bukowski, Women
I have concluded there is absolutely nothing to attain in life except maybe
this realization that there is absolutely nothing to attain.
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