My Spiritual Journey

April 23, 2023 Happy St. George's Day, (For the old calendar it is on May 7, 2023)

I'm not writing this trying to win your approval or sell you this particular brand of bullshit. On my blog, I am not advising you to meditate, pray or chant. 

I'm not concerned if you do yoga or not. I am not trying to cleanse your chakras or purify your soul or get you happy. I'm certainly not trying to save you. Save from what? From yourself. Impossible.

I want to say that my life has been changed. And the change is not related to getting older rather the change has happened in myself... in my being. 

I am still trying to hold the strings together going towards my goal of obtaining self-realization. It is not easy. This illusion that surrounds me, this world, has became so interesting, lately, it is so difficult for me to keep my direction.

I know exactly what it is

As a small kid I had it, it was there, unforgeable. I was 7 or 8 years old and I used to take my bike and drove it a long distances, away from the city, I went into villages, passing 10 or more km and then I liked suddenly to stop, where there was no one around. 

I would stop in the middle of the road and just observe, the peace of the present moment. 

It was beautiful, so clear, clarity and bliss were all around shining in the air. There was no thoughts, it was just present... and I was That. But then I did not understand.

According to esoteric teachings, the dragon represents our personality (thoughts, emotions)

Dissatisfaction with life

It’s been 22 years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. 

Since then I've changed so much, I come so far, it’s hard to remember exactly who I once was. I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. 

I was pushy, loud, confident, in one word just an asshole. I was struggling with my beliefs with no real sense of what really matters in life. I use to drive BMW and wear expensive clothes...

Around year 2000 a state of inner dissatisfaction appeared, and it culminated in 2001. And that dissatisfaction with life is what I consider to be the most critical first step towards spiritual journey. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea, but I believe it’s a great place for anyone to begin.

You begin spiritual journey by being total asshole and then you proceed step by step to find out that same fact for yourself. 

Some people may be naturally interested in spirituality, work hard to grow as person - to be better person, say sorry when they are done wrong, and similar bullshit; however, they may find it difficult to see the obvious and ugly truth.

I wanted to become a saint

I can trace my spiritual journey back to a single decision, one that led me to the life-changing events. I wanted to become a saint. Yes, I really wanted that. Suffice it to say, I did not know what that exactly means but I felt it was something good to strive for.

On January 3, 2001 I bought my first book - Fundamentals of the Esoteric Philosophy. I thought, well I can learn anything, just like anything else I can learn to be a saint. At that time I had no clue that book belongs to Theosophy and I started with that.

I read Secret Doctrine by Madame Blavatsky and I did not like the secrecy about it. I needed something else. 

I quite naturally, thought that it is important to understand spiritual teaching. I thought that it is vital that my information be correct and precise. I thought that this enlightenment thing is like school where I have to understand one thing before I can understand the next thing.

The George's sword is our own understanding

Gurdjieff and his Fourth Way

Soon I have seen that esoteric stuff does not help much. I was not reaching infinite, I was not after pure bliss. So I left theosophy and started to study Gurdjieff and his Fourth Way. The things he discussed were fascination for me. 

At the time it looks like he was talking directly to me. I sincerely practiced self-observation and self-remembrance for a several years. 

I was surprised and upset about my personality and behavior. I discovered my inner world full of lies, fears and frustrations. I discovered my walking sleep.

Then I started to ask myself consciously questions like: Who am I? Where did I come from? What am I here for? Am I doer or just an actor? Am I at sleep all the time? How can I be awake? Where am I going? 

I started to reject questions of general society such as “what you do” and “what you have" and replaced them with with questions that get at the purpose and meaning of life.

Nisargadatta Maharaj

Much later, in 2006 I discovered Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi and they told me that I need to be... just be. I was in state of complete daze when I read Nisargadatta for the first time. 

So there I was, in the middle of my desperate search for purpose and meaning, and there was Nisargadatta. His words may not seem profound or earth-shattering to you, but they were for me at that time. They were the beginning of my conscious journey to become Who I Am...

From the very beginning of my spiritual journey I practiced daily meditation in the form of zazen for several years. 

Sure, I had a lot of experiences, and life started to look weird. I deeply believe we have put here by a life forms more intelligent than ourselves; this world could be a hologram or a hallucination or something in between.

I was meditating daily, doing yoga, reading and practicing self-observation and self-remembrance... in such a short time, I had flashes of light in my head and many other things... finally I broke my mind on couple occasions... so now, I am diagnosed with a bipolar disorder.

The Spiritual Journey is St. George's fight with the dragon

The truth is I do not know

The most common, widely-held fantasy about enlightenment is that it is freedom from suffering, the transcendence of pain and struggle, the land of milk and honey, a state of perpetual love, bliss, and peace. Enlightenment represents the collectively-shared dream of an idealized and perfect world of pure beauty and joy. It is not only New Age fantasy, it is the secret wish of all people. It is our shared dream of salvation. But it is only a fantasy.

- Halfway Up the Mountain: The Error of Premature Claims to Enlightenment, Mariana Caplan

To be quite honest, in a moment of spiritual experiences, there was nothing to be grasped, there was no truth, there was no explanations. It was simple clarity without any sense. Somewhere there is the end of the spiritual journey. 

What you learn from that experience is that you see that all your questions are the bullshit.. as the days go by; with each new disappointment in life multiple questions disappear.

Jed McKenna

And then in 2012, I met my last teacher, Jed McKenna. 

About 80% of the people who read Jed McKenna’s book, Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing, become fucked up and depressed for about a month after reading it. 

I am apprehensive about suggesting it to you to read Jed McKenna, but for me that is quite frankly the one of the most influential book I have ever read, and my current life philosophy is based around some of the core concepts of the book.

McKenna cuts through all spiritual bullshit. Everything you do, every identity you create in life, is in fear of the fact that your life has no meaning. Fear that nothing really matters and your living is futile.

You see, in self-discovery there is nothing to discover. Even though I still might see myself on a journey, I am not seeking anything except that single moments of clarity, that moments of the peace of the presence; there is nothing to be found except that.